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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Heal2021 on December 25, 2020, 02:07:16 PM



Title: Just split with someone & i feel terrible
Post by: Heal2021 on December 25, 2020, 02:07:16 PM
I was suspicious that they may have bpd but they were not diagnosed , iv been chronically verbally abused for over 2 years and blamed fir everything , i suppose im looking for some validation weather this was my fault or if others have had similar experiences.


Title: Re: Just split with someone & i feel terrible
Post by: Mutt on December 25, 2020, 05:03:29 PM
Hi Heal2021,

*welcome*

I like your username  :hi: I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Immaturity can be damaging in a r/s and if you’re dealing with a consistent pattern you could be dealing with a BPD trait.

A r/s takes two people - both equal parts it’s not 100% you and they’re absolved of everything. We can’t diagnose only a professional can do that but what we can look at are BPD traits.

Are you feeling guilty for leaving?


Title: Re: Just split with someone & i feel terrible
Post by: Heal2021 on December 25, 2020, 05:33:15 PM
No I don’t not this time because the name calling was getting intolerable my self esteem was getting battered. I know I need to take responsibility for my side but just reading loads of people’s experience on here it’s like reading my life for last 2.5 years. I’m determined not to let him back in my life it’s just ground hog day tbh he does not take any responsibility for anything and violates my boundaries consistently
Thanks about the user name  lol
Oh I see the title is misleading I meant I just feel terrible because I really tried but because there is no diagnosis I didn’t really know what was happening until I started researching the traits and thought wow


Title: Re: Just split with someone & i feel terrible
Post by: HopelessBroken on December 28, 2020, 04:56:18 PM
Hi Heal and welcome!

I completely get it, I left for good after 3.5 years. It was heartbreaking and I’m still working on getting my confidence back.

How are you doing? The holidays can make your situation feel even more difficult.


Title: Re: Just split with someone & i feel terrible
Post by: Heal2021 on December 28, 2020, 06:35:48 PM
Hi Heal and welcome!

I completely get it, I left for good after 3.5 years. It was heartbreaking and I’m still working on getting my confidence back.

How are you doing? The holidays can make your situation feel even more difficult.
I’m doing ok , at the moment I’m distracted by my dysfunctional family, on Xmas day went to my parents and my dad was shouting I said if there was an atmosphere I would leave with the kids as we all want peace my dad proceeded to sit in silence through dinner and after Dinner I left ,the next day I got a call from my mum saying my dad was wanting a divorce and I need to apologise for saying I would leave, I’ve had 40 years of this he’s been blaming me for his problems since I can remember prob 3 years old, it’s no wander I tolerated so much in my relationship as they are worse than him, I’m surrounded by these people with traits of bpd and npd both my parents late 60s are one or the other and. I’m using this time to put firm boundaries in with my parents and as I’m blocked still by him it’s actually helping as each day goes by the house is tranquil , I’m sorry to hear you are struggling I keep having pangs of panic I’m not sure if it’s love or trauma bond we feel as logically we would be happy we split I suppose , it’s so confusing . What was happening in you relationship if you don’t mind me asking I’m just figuring out that it’s like text book clone behaviour
Thank you for reply I hope you are ok 


Title: Re: Just split with someone & i feel terrible
Post by: HopelessBroken on December 28, 2020, 08:29:06 PM
You are so spot on with identifying that your family dynamics have contributed to staying in a relationship that wasn’t healthy.

I will give you the condensed version of what I experienced. We were friends first but he pushed a relationship very fast. He was perfect.  Extremely attractive, educated, funny and adventurous.  I was as he said, his soulmate, as he expressed being in a unhappy marriage for 20 years and I was his unicorn. About six months in the behavior started that would recycle over the next three years. I was constantly accused of being too friendly, smiling at men, having too many friends, having too many plans, dressing inappropriately, not making him a priority, which moved into constant accusations of me cheating. Verbal abuse and horrible accusations, constantly being called a wh*ore and a liar. This progressed to threatening me, going through my phone, stalking men I had nothing to do with that he believed I was sleeping with. There were intermittent out of no where rages and he would throw me away and immediately sleep with other women. I didn’t realize until later that he had multiple women lined up at any moment yet he was accusing ME of cheating. His insecurities were through the roof, no amount of love shown from me was enough.  He was very all or nothing, he loved something or he hated it and it would quickly switch. His body image was very off and he would gorge himself with food and then not eat at all. He was very impulsive with decisions, spent a lot of money impulsively. He had no self image. He liked what I liked, he said what I said, he did what I did.  Like he mirrored me completely. He drank a lot and drove (he’s a police officer and knows better) One night when he raged at me while out on a date, I drove home separately and he continued to rage via text so I shut my phone off. That night he got drunk and slept with his neighbor.  She told her husband he raped her and he threatened to tell me if my ex didn’t.  He told me but said IT WAS MY FAULT because I didn’t make him feel wanted enough that night.

 I left him after that and he threatened suicide with his duty weapon. Of course I went back for another 1.5 years of his escalating behavior. He expressed I didn’t have sex with him enough, didn’t open up enough (after being vulnerable with him multiple times and then him throwing traumatic past events in my face).  He as also very dishonest, either complete lies (like saying he was involved in a shooting on duty when he wasn’t there) or omitting information.  After more verbal abuse and throwing me away once again I decided to go no contact. He immediately started dating a new woman and bringing her everywhere and anywhere he knew I was to rub it in my face, then when I would leave establishments as it killed me to see him and he would send horrible emails to my work.  During this time he began to stalk me at all hours of the night. Driving by my house, screaming into my Ring doorbell,  calling my work phone over and over and over.  I am also in law enforcement so the IT department couldn’t block work communication as it was internal. I contemplated suicide at this point, it was the lowest point of this entire situation for me.

He ended up physically assaulting the woman he dated right after me. So he escalated even quicker with her from verbal to physical abuse. He had a history of cheating, he expressed he cheated on his wife immediately after she gave birth and wouldn’t have sex with him and had over 20 affairs on her. A long history of unstable relationships.

He then came back to me, I took him back and we both did a second round of individual therapy. It lasted 5 months before he raged at me horribly and went immediately to a past girlfriend. I blocked him everywhere, went no contact and never looked back. That was 1.8 years ago.  The relationship was going to kill me emotionally or physically. Or both.

I should say, he was diagnosed BPD by the therapist we saw individually and as a couple. I did not understand fully at the time what this meant for us. She read through the DSM with me and showed me exactly how he fit this diagnosis. And she strongly encouraged me to leave.

I can tell you that I had an intense trauma bond. I could not understand how I could want someone so badly who treated me so horribly. I completed a year of EMDR as I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’m still working on my confidence and I will make it through this. I’m determined. :)

I hope this helps.  It’s tough to diagnose as we aren’t therapists, but was any of what I mentioned as far as my ex’s behavior things you experienced?