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Another Christmas ruined by my husband with BPD/NPD tantrums. It’s been six years together now of the same pattern so I’m not sure why I’m surprised anymore. I think he senses me pulling away and this makes things worse. He sabotages my relationships with friends, family, collegues, taints family holidays and experiences with his mental breakdowns where he lashes out at me to release his tension, and just sitting here this morning having a coffee by myself and realising I cant remember the last time I was actually happy since being with him in a way that was genuine and lasting.

Can anyone else relate?

We don’t have any children, I’m 35 and worried about leaving and having to start all over again. But I just don’t think I can continue.

Any advice or wisdom or anything is appreciated.

Are you up for more of the same? Next year? The following year? What keeps you in this relationship, feeling the way you do?

If you are committed to staying, you will have to take on the burden of making things quite different than they are now. Otherwise, it will continue along the same direction.

We can teach you how not to be so impacted by his behavior and how to maintain family ties and friendships.

But you need to decide what you want your life to look like and what risks and rewards you want to pursue.

In answer to the original question, I can remember it - yes, but it was a lifetime ago. The informal poll on this website suggested that over 60% of BPD-caretakers suffer from depression so you're definitely not alone.

To the actual issue, the best I can suggest is starting now, spend the next twelve months reducing the importance of Christmas in your mutual life; talk about how you think maybe you'll try to open/send presents from relatives on a day other than 25th just to "spread it around and avoid the chaos", maybe suggest foregoing gifts for each other, even suggest that you skip a tree and decorating this coming year because you want to use the money you save to go spend New Years Eve together in a hotel with him a town or three over. Don't "cancel Christmas"...but at least cut it down drastically?

I've never seen a solid reason in writing for why BPDs tend to over-focus so much on Christmas and it becomes an absolute freaking nightmare; and while we all agree it's an issue, it does seem like there's variance. Some can't handle the stress of prepping, others can't stand the loneliness of not being invited enough places, others can't stand the thought of having to "compete for your love" with everyone else also sending you gifts, etc. Maybe some of it is just "normal Christmas crazy" and not even BPD-specific but as caretakers we just assume it's related to their mental illness.

I think many people struggle this time of year, but mental illness makes it worse, for sure. I'm active in the local ministries to the addicted and abused, and those scenarios also bring in problems unless they are out and have put in quite a lot of work to rebuild. If they are dealing with relatives and such, relapse is a potential risk.

When we were together with my ex, there was always some sort of problem. It was really hard not to anticipate an issue over gifts, parties he didn't attend, food, etc. The expectations were so unrealistic that we were doomed to fail.

I was sad this year as I always have been during the holidays since separation/divorce, but no drama. We had very few social events (of course) but mostly just enjoyed the season. We didn't hear from my ex at all.

My attorney was out (I'm still in closeout) and was very careful to make sure that I knew what to do if a legal issues came up because it's very common for divorce issues to flare over the holidays. Thus far, no.   

Thanks for your reply everyone.

I guess I wish I had the strength to “adjust” my mindset and make our life together work, by greatly lowering my expectations of him and basically suffocating any needs of my own. But I just don’t. For some reason this period has been the straw that broke the camels back and and I’m just done. I asked him to leave to give me some space and he’s moving out today for ten days to give me space to think. I believe this time apart will likely trigger his abandonment issues and make him worse but I don’t really care, this time is about ME and giving myself the space and clarity to figure out what I want.

As a friend of ours told me early in my marriage (which was stressed before it even began), ‘you just have to decide if you are willing to put up with her $?# for the rest of your life’

I made a poor decision and decided to try and make it work.  (We are two smart capable people, we ‘should’ be able to make this work’)

The time and energy to date is a sunk cost.  Wrote it off.  Make decision based on here forward.   

For sure it’s easier to get out now than it will be 10 years from now... what will be different in 10 urs?