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Hi there, I haven't posted in a while but I've been lurking. I did a new thing last week. During the silent treatment from my wife, I packed a bag, drove to my office and slept on an air mattress there for a few nights. I let her know where I was the whole time. Viewed in isolation, it was an overreaction on my part, but I was reacting to a history. I guess it was self-care, and refusing to let my environment be controlled with tension.

After a few days of not much contact, I stopped by the house and we had a talk. As expected, she did not really listen or acknowledge where I was coming from. For whatever reason, I decided to stay. I've been sleeping in the guest room per her request. She wants a big apology and for me to "own" what I did. I don't really feel like I did anything wrong, and neither does therapist or family. So I guess we're at a standoff.

I guess I'm in limbo, because I don't feel invested in making this work anymore, but I don't feel ready to part ways either. That three-day break was really hard and I did a lot of crying. We don't have children together, but I missed my dog, taking my little buddy for walks and cuddling with him on the couch. I felt so alone and the pain was almost unbearable. I guess by packing a bag, I did an experiment to see if I was ready for the change yet, and I was not. Thanks for reading.

I'm curious why there has to be a standoff.

Seriously.

Let's assume she wishes you to start living on Mars.  Let's further assume you don't want to or can't do that (or don't fee it wise for whatever reason)

Is there a standoff about the Mars situation?

Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

Best,

FF

Thanks for your observation, FF. You're right, it doesn't have to be a standoff. Maybe that was a poor choice of words on my part. She said those words to me when I came back to talk, but I guess just because she said it doesn't mean it is reality or has to be that way.

I recognized some of my old assumptions in the way you posted about the conversation.  I used to believe that I had a duty or that it was a good relationship skill to stick with a conversation in hopes of "turning it healthy" or "getting them to understand" my point of view.

Sometimes when you are deep into it, the simplest solutions are hard to see.

Just because they want to fight doesn't mean you have to.

Just because they want to  (insert dysfunction thing) doesn't mean you have to.

Perhaps from a big picture point of view this is really about boundaries.  Just like boundaries protect you...the concept would suggest that you have to "stay on your own property" (inside your boundaries) when someone else is being dysfunctional.

After all...you can decide to be one way and they can decide to be something completely different.

Thoughts on what I have written?


 Boundary Article to Read (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries#:~:text=%22In%20bounds%22%20means%20acceptable%20to,person%20has%20been%20treating%20them)

Warning Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122547.0)

Also interested in your initial reactions to these readings.

Best,

FF

Hello. 

Sounds like a successful "experiment" as I like to call them.  You behaved in a different manner when you were getting the cold shoulder by departing for a few days and going on your solo adventure.   You collected a lot of information.  How you felt about the experience.  How she reacted. 

My brother was forced to go on some solo backpacking trips due to his partner getting injured.  He said the first time, he came out the next day.  The second time he spent two nights coming out early the second morning.  Now, he's very comfortable going by himself and admitted he's finding a lot of joy being by himself for short periods of time and now is scheduling solo trips for his enjoyment.

I mention that story just to note the fact that time alone is new to you so address your "experiment" conclusions accordingly.  And then perhaps plan/design other "experiments".

I hope you and your wife find a way to compromise and have a better relationship going forward.   CoMo

Most here, myself included, have Been there, Done that.  We tried but still failed.  Is this a control issue for your spouse?  Or obstinacy?  Or other issues mixed in?  Does it matter?  You need to decide what you will do for the long term.  (At some point when I had no other alternative, I had to end the whole relationship, except for required parenting matters.)


A legal note your lawyer would love... Don't ever apologize for something she demands but which could get you into legal problems later such as alleged DV, abuse, etc.  But it might be okay to word your apology, if you decide appropriate, similar to this way, "I'm sorry you FEEL this way."  If it later becomes an 'incident' then no police officer or judge would condemn you for hurting her feelings.

Hi FF, sorry I did not respond sooner. I've been chewing on what you wrote since yesterday. My main takeaway from it is that I don't have to participate in dysfunctional conversations or interactions. If that is what you were trying to get across, it makes sense. It is probably the simple solution that evades me when I'm in the thick of it.

As far as those two articles, it struck me while I was reading them that my boundaries have been inconsistent at times, which has hindered my growth as a person and might have exacerbated my marriage problems. I have to cut myself a little slack there though, because I just started learning what boundaries are and how to use them about a year and a half ago. Putting them into practice has been a difficult journey, and I get it wrong sometimes. My wife reacted worse than you can imagine when I first started practicing self-care, and limiting my participation in dysfunctional interactions. She has come around somewhat, but sometimes she is still a "boundary buster," and she manages to suck me in.

Thanks for noting this, and it is very observant on your part. It was indeed a new thing for me, so I will absolutely take that into consideration and adjust my conclusions accordingly. Just because it felt terrible at the time doesn't mean it was not the right thing to do, or that I would not have made it through somehow.