BPDFamily.com

So its New Years Eve. You are not here. You claim you are working and he wants to be with his kids and you are hurting. Well. It's New Years. And you are not here. No champagne toast. Because you are not here. No kiss at midnight. Because you are not here. No cuddling and watching the ball drop since Im home and cant get into the city,because you are not here. No "I love You" because you are not here.

I am on the couch again, asleep. Because you are not here.

i remember those feelings. hang in there. next year will be better  :hug:

She told me again she didn’t want to be alone, but she’s said she wanted to. She also said she hated Valentine’s Day. Today starts a new chapter. I don’t what she wants out of my life I don’t know what to do. I’m confused

The holidays are the pits when we are emotionally wrecked.
It’s awful. Full stop.
We made it through now we have to keep positive.
The pandemic is an added bonus haha. I’ll be like “ I have to be more social”. Then reality hits.
But... I’m still hanging in there and so are you. That’s a step.
I had a worker with me on the road before Christmas. Way too much time driving and he heard the whole ugly mess of a story about my situation. He had been through it a couple of years earlier. And he kept hammering at me that it would be better then ever in time. I would circle back about what I worry over and he would point out how it was actually better already. (Financial, self respect, peace in the moment).
So I believe we all will recover. Maybe with some added vigilance to protect ourselves.
And may they find peace also.

Why does she continue to hurt me

Because she knows she can. It gives a sense of power and control when they really have none. 

God Bless.  This has been my hardest trial... 

you are on to something there about power and control...I am just seeing this...sure, it was about hurt and vengeance...dark things...but there is a strange element about them feeling powerful here...and control as well...

It will get better. But maybe first worst.
I know that is a cruel sounding statement.
Your hurt. Your struggling to get some balance and reason with the other as they barrage you like a professional boxer with attacks and upheaval. Wham wham with a left and a right. A combo. Your reeling your blurry your seeing double and wobbly...
ya that will go on till they get a new interest.
Then it’s just kinda surreal quiet. Except in your (my head) for a long time. Your worried and wondering and want to (will) Reach  to make reason of it. The reach outs will dwindle and then... lotta time to ponder. Not the worst thing.
It does get calmer.
I wish the internal storm on no one meaning all parties.
But it’s like the seasons. And spring is next up.
Eternal rebirth.

whats going on?

She still hurts me...

she contacted me. She told me she "wanted to be just friends and nothing more and will "pull it".. Whatever that meant. She also said she may have Covid. What bothers me about this is, the babies (I call them my kids - the 4 cats) she may give it to them. Im not going to tell her anything since she is an adult.. or adult like and she should know what and what no to do. Also, next week is the one year when she and I started talking. So from now until Valentines Day will be hard, to the day I met her when her mom died, to the day she and I spent our 1st night together. I need to focus on the LSAT. I cant have this in my mind. Its like a person running a marathon and every mile, mile and a ½ a charlie horse or foot cramp happens.

She was the 1st woman I really fell in love with over 20 yrs from my 1st ex fiancee in 2002. I mean I had 2 or 3 in between but this was a book end relationship so to speak. I am scared to fall in love again, and with my health issues (not sure if you seen, my vertebrae is like a shattered pretzel rod, herniated and fused discs plus a cyst on my nodule in my neck - in addition to leg pains for weeks on end) I got too much going on.

I hate sounding like a broken record, and I know I am going to make another post about her in a month because thats how my mind is.

“Pull it”.
Sounds like pull the trigger.
Typical b.s I’ve been through.
Dude. You need to think about yourself. Focus on your yourself. You are jacked up physically. We have all been there mentally and that alone is excruciating but you have the double whammy.
And step back one moment and realize the one you are agonizing about  is not there. And the only thing they add is more pain and selfishness.
I bet if you could get a response about your physical condition it would be “how much worse” theirs is.
Pattern
Use the  AA  Mantra.
Just resist one minute. Then one hour. One day. Etc etc.
and you are forgiven for missteps we are only human.
Get some peace and rest.

Goosey - She said she had ovarian cancer. As I mentioned in previous posts, my friend has stage 4 breast cancer, I think she passed, I dont know, I havent heard from her since I had a conversation with her as I was fighting with the crazy person. She blamed me for not being with her when her mom was being cremated and picking up her when she went to get her mom's ashes. Pawning her off to a family friend. Not coming to see her on her birthday. I did all I could in the allotted 2 days. I had to take care of my mom who needed my attention. So I feel like I failed her.

Im trying. Its hard. with my health woes. Im trying

I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing.
I can only relate that our traumas and feelings are not going to be heard.
  It’s a one way street.

How can you control ashes. Thats all thats there

Just wish she would see it.

I know.
We try and try to reach the unreachable.

she contacted me. asked her if she wanted me to come over shes like "I dont know" her man supposedly is there. Why did she tell me "she dont know" when the answer was "no"

Ya we spend all our energy tip toeing around illogical and actually abusive comments made as to not “set” them off. 
It’s exhausting actually. 
   Maybe you should just take some time off conversing. There is obviously someone else involved let them deal with it.
   (Mind you I struggle with doing it also).
  I kinda feel back in contact during a “crisis” lately and had to hear about my ex’s not so successful dating life. The comment that “everyone lies” actually makes me chuckle a bit now.
   I can tell you you will reach a point that your not “hurt” so much with the thought of them seeing others. I actually wish a new person would take over for a few remaining decades. Today I feel I have done my sentence.

She ghosts me, the last message was "shes out of her funk whatever that means with her new man or whatever he is. Then she posts a pic of a shirt I got her

I suggest you stay off social media for a bit.
  I’m old, this forum is my only social media haha. I could imagine how posts like that  could cause distress.
  Get centered on your own self. It’s hard I know, you’ll have missteps. Two steps forward one back.
   
 

I just log in to wish people a happy birthday, etc. Someone I know had a loss of a parent, so I sent condolences (Covid)