BPDFamily.com

hi - i am pretty sure my stepdaughter (SD16) has bpd. i have researched many things over the years and bpd makes the most sense. i'd like to know if any of the following sounds familiar to you and how you have dealt with it:

hates being alone, even for a minute - if have been sitting on the couch with her and i get up to walk across the room to get something she will whimper and ask aw, you're leaving me?
she has expressed feeling empty and not like a "real person"
she has expressed suicidal ideation and has stayed in a mental hospital twice - two weeks each time
she has cut herself about 3 times
she has exhibited extreme over-the-top emotional reactions to minor events
she is very easily slighted or offended
she plays the victim constantly - that seems to be her most comfortable role. her dad and i are usually in the position of bad guys and her mom is the savior.
something is always wrong - even when things are going really well it's like she finds something to be upset about
she zones out a lot, isn't really in touch with her body and is really bad a remembering things in the short term or long term - she seems to have no sense of time - this sounds like dissociation to me
she takes on her friends personalities completely - almost in a scary way (scary because her personality can change so drastically)

i could list more but i don't want to make this too long. she's been in therapy since she was 10 due to expressions of severe anxiety, worry that something bad would happen to her mom or dad, OCD tendencies, etc. after speaking with her therapist, my therapist, two other therapist friends - they all recommended DBT. because of the pandemic we could not do an in-person DBT course so i resorted to buying a workbook online that was divided up for the teen, the parents and the therapist that i really like. her therapist bought it too and we've been going through it slowly. i really like all the concepts and think they *could* help her if she's open to them and let's them sink in. she's fairly willing to do the exercises but i'm not so sure it's sinking in.

the main advice i would like is how do you get through it? i feel manipulated and used by her on a pretty regular basis. she's not very good at consistently showing appreciation for my efforts or my husband's efforts. but i suppose this is just a natural trait of those with bpd. it's just so hard! especially with her mother against us as well. her mom validates all her feelings to the extreme, never questions anything she says. she just takes it all at face value and then calls up my husband to complain to him and tell him how he needs to parent SD16 differently, which just makes our entire dynamic even worse!

thank you for reading and any advice you can give!

hi hanginginthere22,
I am also a stepmom of a suspected BPD.  I met my husband when my stepdaughter was 19.  At the time, she lived with my husband, her Dad.  She moved out, and into her boyfriend's parent's house (she had her own room), with a lot of drama and also playing the victim right after I started dating my husband.  They are super religious, and I'm not sure if they "believe" in support for mental health.  It's likely they just pray bad things will go away.

I think getting your daughter DBT is so important.  I don't personally know if it works but I've been reading about it a lot.

Time is not relevant to my step daughter either, I always thought it was because she's selfish, but now that you mention dissociating, that is a valid point.  She regularly shows up 4 hours late to engagements...

Way over the top emotional reactions.  Angry, a lot.  Distrusts everyone, and always has something negative to say about everyone.

Also, hates being alone.  Also plays the victim (her in-laws think her bio Mom is the worst - and now, probably us too).

Easily slighted or offended. 

Not appreciative of any gifts I have given her.  Gratitude is the shortest emotion with her (she sells makeup and sweet talks both my husband and I when she wants us to buy something, like to meet a sales goal, then later forgets we spent hundreds of dollars on her stuff).

I really don't know what "works" as I'm still learning too.  Weirdly, my Mom is also BPD'd, but I'm finding the step daughter to be much more of a challenge for some reason.  It could be because there is a total lack of communication or desire on her part to communicate with me.  Also, she has tried to break me and my husband up, so I'm pretty angry about that.  I am probably just an object to her.  Not sure I'm ready to try anything, since upon gently suggesting therapy, she threatened to file for harrassment.  So we're currently estranged from her and our grandchildren.

b

yes all that sounds familiar! i have know my stepdaughter since she was 9. she mainly lived with her mom and sister and my husband and i saw them every other weekend, one night a week, holidays and a month over summer. my husband was a stay-at-home dad with them when they were little before the divorce and he continued to be super involved in their lives. once i came on the scene i was super involved as well. their mother practiced parental alienation from the start but we've been able to deal with that for the most part. SD16's older sister (3 years older) could have BPD too. they have always both been very sensitive and very easily offended. her older sister, however, was always the more difficult one because she was so outwardly angry and combative. she would pick a fight over any and everything. i gave up on having a good relationship with her a long time ago. things were always easier with SD16 because she was nicer, followed the rules and was helpful.

they moved 2000 miles away when SD16 was 13 and her older sister was 16. they were gone two years. after about a year and a half SD16 asked to move back with us. her older sister graduated high school and went off to college and SD16 moved here. she's still nicer and more compliant than her older sister but what i have discovered is she gets just as angry with us - she just doesn't tell us. she tells her mom. she avoids conflict with us but then complains endlessly about us to her mom who is perfectly happy to call my husband up and chew him out about various things SD16 is upset about. we've confronted SD16 about this many times but she never changes.

she does the idolization/devaluation thing with us a lot. she'll act like i'm the greatest and she's so grateful for me and is having a great time with me and 2 days later i'll find out she complained to her mom about something and is acting like i'm the worst. it's so disheartening! it makes me feel like all my efforts are for nothing!