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Title: Relationship Advice and Comments Please Post by: Scarpa on January 08, 2021, 07:10:25 AM Hello Everyone
My female partner was diagnosed with BPD and social anxiety some years ago. We have been together, as a couple for around 22 years, having met, become friends, she moved in as a friend with her own room and space and we subsequently became intimate. She told me early on, before sex, she was bi with a strong preference for females which, for me, is and was neither here nor there. We are now at the point where we sleep apart, she likes to have something playing during the night and despite the fact I can sleep through it she prefers to sleep alone so she doesn’t disturb me or vice versa, it’s more or less been like that for 10 years. During the time we’ve been together she has had sex with several other guys and a few women, the women aren’t an itch I can scratch so outside my ability. The guys were initially one off events, but then became a few times or a couple of months. Meanwhile any intimacy between us has stopped, we hold hands when old, as much to help negate her anxiety as the fact we both like it. Sex between us became stressful as she started having anxiety attacks and flashbacks and would shout stop, which I did, it got to the point where I was waiting for the cry to stop which more or less meant it lacked fun and became very stressful personally. I keep thinking things will ‘get better’ I have paid for a lot of therapy over the years, she cannot work and stays at home. I have read a lot about BPD and related NPD and cannot quite decide if I’m co-dependent and enable her. I have essentially accepted that we won’t ever be intimate again, she says she’d like to but I know too much about her and her past. She has been hospitalised a couple of time after serious suicide attempts although the last time was about 9 years ago. She is also on significant anti-psychotics. I guess my reason for posting this is twofold, firstly is to get feedback, good or bad, from people who have experience and knowledge of BPD and its effect on relationships, suggestions, observations, comments all welcome and secondly does anyone have any ideas or experience that has rekindled things? We get on very well otherwise, make each other laugh, like reading, have three cats, talk about everything and have no secrets (even if I have to nudge her for the odd confession) but as I said I do wonder at times if I have enabled the situation I find myself in. Thanks Title: Re: Relationship Advice and Comments Please Post by: khibomsis on January 09, 2021, 09:25:44 AM Hi Scarpa, and welcome to the family! :hi: It sounds like you are going through a tough time! I feel it with you,.
I think you should stop wondering. Indeed your current situation is one that you had much to do in bringing it about. It sounds like you started out not really worrying about boundaries, and this has brought you in the situation you are now in. You find yourself friends with benefits but without the benefits. But you do have all the obligations of a husband, you support her financially and emotionally and have, through sex with her, gotten caught up in her traumatic experiences to the extent that you are possibly a little traumatized yourself. My best advice to you is to get yourself into counseling. Invest in your own mental health. Educate yourself on your part in this. Have a look at this workshop and let me know what you think? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=42176.0 |