BPDFamily.com

:help: My husband has not been clinically diagnosed with BPD but he has at least 7 of the 11 criteria for the disorder. We are not together at the moment. He left and said he'd never be back... this happens almost weekly and has for more than a year... But I keep letting him come home.  Nothing ever changes of course but lately he has become more physically abusive. He pulls my hair, pushes me, sometimes hits me in the head too. Right before he left, he said he would "snatch the life out of me". That was the last straw for me. I am scared of him so this time I haven't let him back in. It's been 3 days now and have made it clear that I want the relationship to be over. Now he is saying he would be better off dead than without me and in the next breath he says he going to "give me what I deserve", all the while telling me he loves me and will change. I want to believe that he could never hurt me like that but I'm not so sure. I dont know what to do.

Good morning peaceiswhatineed,

I am glad you are reaching out for help, and breaking the silence is huge. I am more glad you are physically safe at least for this moment. Some advice I received myself on this board .. retread your own post and see if it answers your question which was
“Should I BE. scared ?”

You described serious abuse in this post ... I am scared for you... please get help alert the authorities, make a safety plan for yourself , (pets and kids if you have any) and file a restraining order. 
Yes you should BE scared ... but you may not FEEL scared Which are two different things . Sometimes trauma leaves us numb and a lot of times abuse either past or present allows for unacceptable behavior from others without normal range of reactions.

But aside from feelings please my dear... take the necessary precautions . Call a local Domestic  survivor support line and get some support for yourself, Therapist , support group etc.

What I do know is that no disorder .. BPD or any other makes abuse okay .. the thinking of if he was diagnosed or accepted the diagnosis are of no consequence when you are unsafe.

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called “ Why does he do that ?” That can help you work through an understanding of domestic abuse.Also read anything about the cycle of abuse , it will be helpful

Understanding our own pain, trauma and Codependency is of utmost importance. I personally once getting physical safety and mentally safety (by filing the restraining order they can’t stalk you call you threaten you etc. ) I began to come out of the fog to start my own healing journey and it’s going to be a long hard one because now my life is in shambles but I am hopeful and I gave support . I am in the process of wanting to reconnect back to myself that I lost .  This board is none judgemental

it can take us a while sometimes to get out of these relationships.Recycles are common and they get worst shorter and more intense and more dangerous each go around, and I know first hand!
 
After reading some of my post what do you NEED to do ?
 
This is a safe place to post out all our feelings we can write about how much we love them etc and not be judged but that allows us an outlet for them without going back to trying to re experience them in a colorless relationship we can honor that we have them here and work through them some and move on and stay safe .