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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: cash05458 on January 10, 2021, 10:50:52 AM



Title: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 10, 2021, 10:50:52 AM
and she has gone totally ghost today and last few days...I swear to god, something about these folks and their problems that this feeds their things...even ghosting is a fantasy...just more ways to mess the other up...they must get into these lets destroy fantasies...


Title: Re: We had our "final" talk today
Post by: brighter future on January 11, 2021, 08:53:26 AM
Oh Brighter, I see that I forgot to answer a specific question you asked...apologies...No, she never received any sort of treatment via all the childhood sexual abuse...

Was thinking back to a month ago when I arrived here...I think that I didn't want to accept that she is BPD...not at first...that was part of my denial as well...and now it seems so blatantly obvious to me now...and I certainly couldn't see while inside the relationship...think I was just constantly overwhelmed via the infamous rollercoaster stuff...

Sounds kind of familiar. My ex-g/f went to therapy for 3-4 months during our relationship then quit and never returned. In that therapy, she addressed issues with her failed marriage and difficult childhood. She admitted that she never did address the sexual abuse in therapy because she "didn't feel comfortable talking about it." What happened to her as a child truly torments her. She'll never be able to live a fulfilling life until she chooses to deal with it. She said there were other things that were done to her or she did in her life that she was ashamed of and said "I think if you knew some things about me, I fear you would think differently of me and would not want to be with me."

I also I believe I was in denial about my ex-g/f's issues. As I said before, my ex-wife is BPD. When everything was going on with her, I was more concerned about educating myself about the eating disorders, and I paid little attention to the BPD diagnosis. Plus, I found out about the BPD diagnoses about 3 years after I found out about the eating disorders.   It wasn't until I entered therapy last May that my T said she felt my ex-g/f is also BPD based on my description of her behaviors and after reviewing several texts and emails that my ex-g/f had sent to me. For some reason in the beginning, I thought since my ex-g/f was open about her issues from the beginning (and my ex-wife wasn't) this relationship would be different than it was with my wife. I know better now.

I hope you have a good week this week.


Title: Re: We had our "final" talk today
Post by: cash05458 on January 11, 2021, 10:12:06 AM
Thank you Brighter..I hope you do as well...for some reason last 3 or 4 days have been particularly tough...not sure why...5 weeks in now...now for some odd reason she is completely ghosting me...not that we had hardly any contact...but i don't know why folks do this sorta thing...


Title: Re: We had our "final" talk today
Post by: brighter future on January 11, 2021, 03:48:13 PM
Thank you Brighter..I hope you do as well...for some reason last 3 or 4 days have been particularly tough...not sure why...5 weeks in now...now for some odd reason she is completely ghosting me...not that we had hardly any contact...but i don't know why folks do this sorta thing...

I hear you, Cash. Sorry to hear that it's been a rough past few days for you. That's pretty much the norm as I'm sure you already know. I think that I had rotten days every day for at least two months following the breakup.

The ghosting is pretty crazy on their end. I often imagine what they would think if the roles were reversed, and we were doing the ghosting. My guess is that it would cause a lot of anxiety within them. This happened with my ex-g/f when I stopped sending daily texts/emails to her during the work week to say hello. She stopped doing it for the most part after the 5-6 month mark and didn't reply back to me a good part of the time, so I made it less of a priority. Later on she questioned why I quit doing this and said that she missed my daily messages "even though I fail to reply most of the time" she said. It's a two way street with that sort of thing. Sometimes she reciprocated and sometimes she didn't.

Did you ever experience times where your ex cut off intimacy with you abruptly? I experienced this with my ex 4-5 times during the relationship. Her excuses were that the intimacy was causing emotional issues for her or that it made her feel guilty due to her strict religious beliefs (premarital sex). I always tried to be patient and understanding, but when this happened the 4th or 5th time, I got a bit frustrated with her for the back and forth behavior. Then she accused me of "trying to change her and prevent her from making good choices"  then she accused me of "being ashamed of being intimate with her." That was crazy, and I have no idea where that came from. The last time she did that to me was right after we returned home from a week long beach vacation between 4 and 5 months before our split. I attribute it to her mental illness and the abuse she experienced as a child. She always said that our intimacy was loving and respectful and that she'd "never been with anyone intimately that made me feel like that." Just curious if you experienced anything like that.


Title: Re: We had our "final" talk today
Post by: cash05458 on January 11, 2021, 05:12:15 PM
Brighter, yes, we did have some of those issues...one of the things she would remark on was that she had a weight issue...She was quite heavy...I certainly loved her as she was...but she herself would use her weight issue as  a sorta  constantly changing excuse, I guess you would say...periods of not wanting intimacy...and she would always state that she knew deep deep down I was unattracted to her because of her weight. That was not true in any sense. Or even, during rages, would blame me for her weight, saying I was the entire reason she was heavy. This really had no logic, as when I first met her, she was heavy and always had been...and also the fact that she was the one who controlled our intimacy via her feelings about her weight...she would then say "you won't even have sex with me as I am so heavy"...

The ironic thing was at end, she ended up telling me she had zero physical or sexual attraction to me and hadn't for years..didn't even find me a good looking man...so basically told me what she had always accused me of feeling towards her, which held no truth for me...her own worse nightmare, one that wasnt true for me at all...then projected onto me...of course, that made me feel terrible and certainly unattractive myself...and fairly worthless to her...

yes, via the ghosting...she would certainly be hurt by it I know and it would cause her anxiety...not even sure where she decided to do such a thing as we were having barely any contact...a few things about her cats...nothing emotional or even about "us" or our ending...I did mention how much pain I was in...don't think she wants to hear that...I swear, there is almost something about modern technology that leads to or suggests ghosting...they realize they CAN...and bingo...like a new form of power, and control as well...paying no mind to the anxiety on the other end...

As for her and social media...I mean, she literally lives on facebook and has for a long time before our split...it is like it is her whole world...and let's face it...even her new "lover" came from there...was created and fantasized about thru screens...she thinks it is entirely "real"...maybe it is but I doubt it...I simply see a lonely woman sitting alone in her room holding a phone in her hand...but still, no matter the "social" contact...a woman  alone...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 13, 2021, 08:43:59 AM
Wondering what others think about medication here? I realize there will be differing answers and it depends on me as well...but curious if others have used anti depressants during bad breakups adn how they felt about that?

Mine has been gone 5 weeks, I won't go over details as all in previous threads...but I am finding a big difference between knowing/wanting it to be over for good...and feeling that. Ours ended so terribly, and another man involved, that I am shell shocked still...

On one hand, I know this is situational and would like to go thru it "naturally"...I feel I might heal better in the long run, know myself and what got me there better etc...and make better progress (I hope).

On the other, certainly finding it difficult...my days seem fairly split between ok and bad days...

Just wondering what others think about Meds and if they did or did not use during the initial break up trauma...thanks.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: once removed on January 13, 2021, 10:17:32 AM
if you have concerns about medication, you might try supplements. i used several, and can recommend some.

ultimately, i also used medication. neither will inhibit your healing. they work to get your body and mind in sorts.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 13, 2021, 10:23:38 AM
Thank you Once...yes, supplements might be helpful...I would appreciate that...

As for meds considering wellbutrin or lexapro...will of course talk to my doctor about that...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 13, 2021, 12:50:25 PM
I think the hardest part for me to deal with and I have mentioned of course...but still finding it so hard is just the insane suddenness and total destruction of everything we were for 6 years...we had problems yes, but this has just been nuts. Literally, there one day...announcement that she has been chatting to a new guy on facebook...and then is gone...just erased from her memory...now she has announced she is getting married to him when she gets to england asap...not that I want her to return here...it can never be fixed...but christ, the dramatic and sudden explosion and then replacement...it is like our 6 years of living with one another, my nursing her thru various depressions, job losses, traumas...never occurred...it's like I was NEVER in her life or important to her in any sense...I mean to her now...as if we meant absolutely nothing to her...nor do I now...I mean nothing to her...she exploded my  and our life, and now acts as if she is the most happy woman in the world with her new "friend" and completely together in every way...as if she is completely together I mean..whole now without a care in the world...excited about spending the rest of her days with this guy in england in a charming little village...I know that is all fantasy...but she completely believes it and it seems he does as well...she explodes all of this suddenly, with no warning,moves entirely on in literally a matter of countable hours...and I am left here alone, with nothing, holding nothing, depressed and wondering what on earth has taken place and why has this affected me so greatly...while she laughingly just goes on...not a care in the world or ounce of concern as to how this has affected me. That really just blows me away and I almost still can't believe it is a whole new reality for my life. 

Even our pet family we gathered here together...our dog, all our cats...she constantly talked about how they were family...it was her idea to get them all...she just walks away from all of us...they don't exist for her anymore...and that she told me to dump them at a pound...they don't fit anywhere in her "new" life...it is like her entire history has been erased...anything meaningful that took place, gone...my god, I just cant believe the change in her...I don't recognize her in any sense now...this will sound silly, but it is almost as if she is possessed by a demon or other being...just a complete and utter drastic change in who she appears to be and had been for the previous 6 years...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: crushedagain on January 13, 2021, 07:09:02 PM
Excerpt
...now she has announced she is getting married to him when she gets to england asap...

She's getting married to a guy she has never even met. Hah! This is going to blow up spectacularly, cash. This stuff is downright nutty.

But I would suggest you just turn off the computer when it comes to Fakebook and all the noise. Block her and move on. Paying attention to what she's doing is only hurting you, my friend. I don't even want to think of the kind of pain I would have been in had I known what my BPDexgf was up to. Ignorance is bliss, in my case.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 13, 2021, 07:21:29 PM
Crushed...thanks...yes, I can't imagine...altho her notion of marrying him doesnt seem anything new to me as she had already been stating she was moving there to spend the rest of her life with him in his house for last two weeks or so...so married or not, same idea I suppose...and all nutty as you say...if they do get married he will be lucky number 6...just so bizarre the splitting that has gone on via me being the total black side of it... and also just the switch being flipped with her entirely...I actually cant see her facebook stuff...it's others who will see something and mention it to me...like "my god, now she says they are getting married!"... you are right tho Crushed, ignorance would indeed be bliss in this case...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: crushedagain on January 13, 2021, 07:27:52 PM
As difficult as it is, I think it'd be wise to start setting boundaries with these people, such as politely mentioning "I'd prefer you don't talk about her to me anymore, I am trying to heal and move on."

And I know the splitting seems sudden, but it's doubtful this all just happened in the course of a month. There's usually something that happened before that we don't even know about, some real or imagined event or events that took the shine off of us.

You had a good run, cash - 6 years. I suffered the first devaluation at 9 or 10 months. She threw an absolute hissy fit and MOVED OUT in a sudden meltdown, leaving me not only hurt and stunned, but angry. How dare she just dump me like that without even a conversation? In hindsight, it wasn't anything that day, it was just a convenient time for her to do it. I gave her a 2nd chance - HUGE MISTAKE.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 13, 2021, 07:54:46 PM
Crushed...well, I know the event that seemed to trigger her...the death of a much loved surrogate father (her own father died when she was 5)...this man was her cousin and had been best friends with father as well way back...and he treated her like a daughter...he died suddenly a few months back, and she spun downwards from there...that led to her quitting her job in a dramatic and conflictual manner, then a few weeks later, it all exploded via us...I think as well, she was able to do this as the new man became her new ideal savior...(interesting detail...the new guy and the dead cousin have same first name)...it was as if suddenly I became the "bad" father and him the "good" one in terms of her childhood trauma foundation she was always playing out...and she came out of one of the worst childhoods one can imagine...sexual abuse, orphanages (her Mother ran off after father died and became a heroin addict)...In that sense, her abandonment and the way she handled all this reminds me of her mirroring her Mother's behavior...not just moving on to a new thing, but a total destruction of the old...
Yes, I don't want to be rude to folks...but it's a good idea to gently ask them to give me no more info...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 16, 2021, 10:53:18 AM
Well, interesting...the things these situations can do to you...I ordered a bathroom scale as I figured I was losing weight and of course she had taken ours as she had been dieting for last 8 months (maybe that was also a trigger about the new man...I know some folks do that...who knows really)...but lost 35 pounds...obviously not how I wanted to lose weight, not saying that...but back to my old fighting weight of the previous 30 years before she and I started living together...I will take that...and there must be some sorta metaphor there...sounds crappy, but I lost more than she did during her entire 8 months of trying very hard and am in shape again weight wise at least...that gives me a little confidence...I can't wait for springtime to get back out on my roadbike...my speeds are going to go way up...small victories...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 16, 2021, 03:31:36 PM
Nice one cash.

How do you manage it? Same happened to me gradually got back healthy weight confidence and self esteem, it helped a lot,less cortisol stress hormone etc.

I always try to emphasise not just the emotional upset but the physical negs on health in volatile relationships, when i started to appreciate this more it helped me to view detaching as a nobrainer, no one is worth getting that ill for. I hope you feel healthier as each day comes. Well done


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 16, 2021, 05:47:20 PM
Cromwell, thanks for the kind words...well, I am sure it wasn't the healthiest way to do it that's for sure...pretty much just depression...which isn't  a diet I would recommend to anyone...lose lover of 6 years/lose weight! lol...all in 6 weeks now...but also maybe as I made sure to have no alcohol as well in that I know I am upset enough at everything that has taken place and knew that wouldn't be good for me mentally to drink on top of that...and kept up with my exercising for mood etc...so maybe a combo of all above... But yeah, it does feel good for my self esteem to be back to my old weight...and after everything and all this loss and emotions...Hell, I will take that...small steps right?

And I think it is an important thing to stress Cromwell the negative effects these relationships take on our bodies...on our physical health...you are so right there...and I want to keep that in my mind...it's such a good thing for you to remind folks of that...

I picked up a 35 pound box of cat litter today and realized, my god, I just dropped THAT weight from my body? Seemed far more huge that way when holding it in my arms...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 17, 2021, 02:42:10 PM
cash good to hear

im wondering about what you said here

I lost more than she did during her entire 8 months of trying very hard and am in shape again weight wise at least..

I hear you cashbut im not sure what to make of it


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 17, 2021, 03:19:30 PM
oh sorry, wasn't clear...little snotty on my part...SHE was dieting hardcore for the past 8 months...and I had better results in my 6 weeks of misery that she inserted me into...she would absolutely hate that and that I am back to my old weight etc... :(


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 20, 2021, 06:51:08 AM
Cash,

would you call her a superficial person in terms of her view on physical appearance? Comparing and contrasting. Any eating disorders? I ask because I have heard there is correlate for eating disorders and BPD and if you were not aware of this, it may add something towards understanding. It did for me, I did not realise until a few years in and also when I found photographs of her from younger years, her weight went from being very anorexic looking to very chubby, it was more stable when I was with her but she had therapy since which may have helped. Learning some of the history helped me to realise whilst I dont understand fully, I do know there is a serious issue and I took a lot of the hurtful comments and things differently than I did at the time.

the key thing sort of cardinal rule ive found thats helped is to never take things personally from an ill person, in a biblical sort of inference I relate it to "forgive them o Lord for they know not what they do"

ok many "know" that they will be hurtful when using insults and sleights and so on, but the base of it is still true, they dont "really" know the big picture of it all, themselves, us, everything. This helped me disregard it.

if you imagine when there is some lint on one's shoulder, when I get such a thing in future i brush it off in front of the person. its my visual cue to them that there words are only but noise and not taken personally.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: brighter future on January 20, 2021, 01:12:59 PM

Cromwell, it's great to see you on here again. I see you're giving Cash some good insight about BPD and eating disorders. I experienced this with my ex-wife, whom I was married to for six years, and I believe I shared some of it with Cash last month.

My ex-wife's eating disorders appeared to me right after the birth of our child, which was nearly 4 years after we were married. However, prior to the birth of our child I noticed several weight fluctuations in her past while I was looking through old photo albums at her parent's home after we were married. I found out during a family therapy session with her counselor that she had eating disorders that dated back to the age of 12. She shared none of that with me prior to the marriage. After our child was born, she started intense dieting. When that didn't provide the results she was looking for, she got very obsessive about exercise (aerobics and walking for hours at a time). Not long after, exercise wasn't enough. That's when she began restricting food and purging. When our child was born, my ex-wife weighed 268 lbs. When she went to intense inpatient treatment for eating disorders about 10 months later, she weighed 128 lbs. The program director at the inpatient treatment center told me that she would die if she didn't accept the help that she needed. This was in 2013, and she's had 4 other inpatient stays for eating disorders since then. The most recent one was Oct - Dec of last year. Her stays in these facilities are usually no less than 2 full months.

We had a forensic psychologist do a custody evaluation, and he stated that this would be a life-long struggle for my ex-wife. He also was gravely concerned about the effects of my ex-wife's mental illness on our child and recommended that I have majority custody, which I still have thank goodness. The co-morbidity of multiple disorders makes treatment even more difficult, he said in his report. I did not learn of her BDP diagnosis until the psychologist issued his report, which actually occurred after our divorce. If BPD was ever brought up in the courtroom, she always got visibly angry and defensive. In addition to BDP and eating disorders, she suffers from Panic Disorder, PTSD, Dissociative Disorder, and Major Depression.

I know you remember the stories I've told you about my recent uBPD ex-g/f. She was different in that she abused alcohol years ago. Since our split, she has put on a tremendous amount of weight. I spoke with my mother a short while ago, and she saw my ex-g/f walking into the grocery store as she was leaving the store late this morning. She was shocked at how much weight my ex has put on since our breakup last year. Her weight is to the point now where it is probably considered as unhealthy.  My mother has seen her 2-3 times since the breakup (once for me), and she said my ex was larger than she was the last time she saw her in passing. Some of the mutual friends that my ex-g/f and I still share say she's using food as a coping mechanism now. It truly is a sad cycle. I know the hell we as Nons go through being involved in these relationships, but I can't imagine the pain that the people with with the disorder feel. Like you stated above: "Never take things personally from an ill person, in a biblical sort of inference I relate it to "forgive them o Lord for they know not what they do."
My therapist told me something similar after the breakup with my ex-g/f. I forget that and have to remind myself of that some days when I feel angry or depressed about what occurred in my past relationships.





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Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 23, 2021, 06:44:55 AM
Hi guys, thanks for the followups...well, not sure about an eating disorder per se...she did have that stomach surgery about ten years ago...lost a good bit I know, then put it back on via our time together...not sure why, but she blamed me for that entirely...that would come out in her rages...

As for her and I...well it has gone completely dark from both sides...I haven't blocked her as there seems no need as I never hear a word from her...I know she blocked me on all things...her last email had said...guess it has been 7 weeks now about...still very hard...some days are ok, others still bad...hoping for a some covid relief money here to pick up a cheap car and go find a job...be good to have something to do and not rethink this thing so much...from my understanding, she has entirely split me black...I seem to represent everything bad now...and folks told me she is still charging full steam ahead with the new facebook fellow...it seems as if our 6 years together have been completely erased in her mind...whereas of course I am still processing...I don't think I need to worry about her returning...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 23, 2021, 07:44:15 AM
Cromwell, you also asked about superficiality in the looks department etc...I would say not really...not that I noticed too much...after she left she did tell me she had zero physical attraction for me left...she was "repulsed "by me and that her sexuality had been woken up by the facebook fellow and  that she owed him everything for that...that hurt of course and stung...not the best looking guy out there but I am ok and keep myself in shape as well...so it seemed a terrible thing to tell me...

I looked a the phone the other day and saw she has not called the house since dec.22nd...never once did she say even in passing "I miss you " or something about our life here...or even ask how the pets were of hers that she left me with...and no, I dont want her to return...forgiveness just isn't possible in ANY sense given the way she has acted now for 7 weeks...but yes, don't think I need to worry about the return anyhow as she seems gone for good and forever...it is a strange thing...while I am still processing and going thru the bends of something that was very important to my life that has changed drastically and is gone, she seems to entirely have erased all traces that we ever even shared a life with one another for 6 years...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 24, 2021, 05:03:32 AM
sounds like Hallmark devaluation phase.

she is going through this delusion where in order to have him "the most" wonderful in the planet, part of that process is to bad mouth you. it also is strategic, it might give the new guy sympathy depends how savvy he is.

disconnect a bit from it all, we all have insecurities some more than others.

don't think I need to worry about the return anyhow as she seems gone for good and forever


why would you worry about if  she returns or not?


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 24, 2021, 06:25:34 AM
Cromwell...well, have spent much time reading over a lot of recycle stuff here...just do not want to be going there, ever...don't think with her it will be arising but also know how I can fall into my sympathy mode should she ever play that card if she crashes...want to make sure for myself that I have all the hatches battened down, so to speak...and I know my weakness via sympathy...trying to steel myself should it arise...or be conscious of my danger of falling into that mode should she toy with it...

and yes, seems to be the hallmarky build up phase...full on.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 24, 2021, 04:21:21 PM
Hey Cash, Either scenario what happens, remember this support here can advise and share advice etc

 I did not have it during the recycles, but the most I had was 4 weeks apart, I feel I was at the cusp of starting to seriously feel I could do without her in my life but at that point she was back and it is not that it made that 1month insignficant, id started to feel differently, but it for me was not enough time to myself, the pull factors were still there the emotions were still confused.

But is it always the "wrong"? idea, id argue that, which is why i said to take the situation as it occurs. If I had not gone back at all, I also would not have experienced more to then finally make a decision that it was enough for me. I could be wondering, perhaps forever, if I had done the proper thing or not. But anxiety Im hoping to help allay, the "worry". It sounds like you have a lot of upset but still have clear insight and done a lot of homework. In my case anxiety could have been a factor that made me return, it worried me when we were apart as much as it did being together, it was a sort of glue in a way that I wasnt really aware of, I wonder for your good self, did worry and anxiety play a part during the r/s or did it just start now from splitting up?


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 25, 2021, 10:30:18 AM
Hi Cromwell...it's an interesting question. I guess looking back I didn't have much worry or anxiety inside...tho I certainly had anxiety at the rages. Bu the funny thing is that I just never expected THIS from this person...I expected alot of things, not good things sometimes...but not THIS...this just didn't seem a part of her makeup...to simply find another while still here with me and then destroy everything...I think I was also so caught up in sorta taking care of her...of being there as her foundation...not justifying that of course...but it was there...looking back we had a bad dynamic...

So I think the worry and anxiety really arrived more fully after the explosion...I know one thing that has given me so much anxiety is her telling me at the end "I have not loved you for years"...I am a fairly perceptive person but had no idea this was the case...and I found myself having anxiety at that statement...like, how did I miss this? Why did we never talk over this over the years if she felt this way? It made me feel very strange to be honest...as if "what was our reality?"

Of course, maybe she did not mean that? Or maybe she did and it's just a way for her to justify doing what she did? I don't know...like so many here I want a form of closure, but doubt I will EVER get that. I know I need to accept that...

The other thing that gives me much anxiety...and this will sound silly...but it is her complete lack of care for my well being in any sense...we were so close for so long...to use a lousy analogy, its as if someone you knew for years and years and had a deep friendship with...or even say family...and one day you show up at their door and they don't even know who you are...they actually seem like they have no idea who you are in fact...and you are left questioning your own sanity...like "what is the real here?" If that makes sense...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 25, 2021, 02:06:37 PM
Hi Cash,

The "i feel like Im going crazy" was part of post relationship blues. I have not journaled any of this and it has been around 3 years since I was at that stage of post-relationship no contact at all, but I did have that feeling, it is a function of the mind and the body having to process a lot of confusion. It is not only complex thoughts, it is volume of them too, add to it horrible memories and the emotions they trigger, it was a horrible place, ive been there and I met everyone here who has had most of the same to report. It fizzled away.

Well done for how strong you have been going through these first few weeks. I was wondering if your apeptite has came back yet?


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 25, 2021, 05:31:22 PM
Cromwell, that is so kind of you...yes, makes sense...well, it has been 7 weeks now...but no, still no appetite...

yes, the memory triggers...the confusion...I mean, folks break up...I have been thru breakups...nothing ever like this tho...I guess that is inbuilt with a BDP...the way it happened, just an explosion...and the moving out in such a way, the instant new guy she had going already here in our home, the way she behaves as if I were to die, she could care less (I wont die of course)...it has just been so much to take on  and so suddenly...definitely look forward down the line for the "fizzle" you speak of...I could use that!

My doctor did prescribe me meds...lexapro...I finally decided ok, maybe I need a little help to stop all these swirling thoughts and emotions...will start taking them tomorrow...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: brighter future on January 26, 2021, 09:31:50 PM
My doctor did prescribe me meds...lexapro...I finally decided ok, maybe I need a little help to stop all these swirling thoughts and emotions...will start taking them tomorrow...

Cash, glad to hear that you're hanging in there. I'm curious to see how the Lexapro works for you. Please keep us updated on that.

I'm going to order some Ashwagandha capsules after my T and some friends suggested them to help with my anxiety, which stems from the PTSD and my past two relationships. I want to try something all natural first as opposed to a prescription med. Two of my friends that use them say they've notice a big difference in the way that they feel.  It's worth a shot.

I saw my ex-g/f last Wednesday in person. My child and I were out on our front porch when she walked out of her parent's home with a huge armload of stuff. As she was going down the sidewalk, she looked over at my house and made direct eye contact with me for a few seconds as she walked down the sidewalk to her car in the street. She couldn't do more than look at me as her hands were full. It was really awkward, but it didn't bother me all that much thankfully. She continues to gain more weight.  :( Prior to that happening, her son ran over to visit with my child and I. He stayed for about 15-20 minutes chatting with us.

Hope you're having a good week so far emotionally and that things start looking up for you ASAP as far as a vehicle and job go.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 27, 2021, 03:42:43 PM
BP...thank you for the note...

no not doing well here...got a email out of the blue this morning from her telling me she feels I abused her for the last six years...that is now considers herself an abused woman etc...that she will be taking out a restraining order on me...(which I doubt will hold maybe as I have not contacted her for weeks...and she contacted me)...I am so down and done I will be honest...I am not suicidal...but I dont think I can take much more from her...this is insane...what did i do to her to deserve this...I am getting to end of rope...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: B53 on January 27, 2021, 04:11:33 PM
Cash,
 I don’t know how she can get a restraining order, when your not even attempting to contact her. She sounds like she is having a meltdown.

I remember that when I started antidepressants, it really helped me. At first they made me feel tired and confused, which was a little scary, but when they finally kicked in, it was like the sun came out. I hope it works for you.
B53


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 27, 2021, 04:17:25 PM
B53, the meds have not gotten here yet...thought they would come today...in mail...but I guess tomorrow...

I doubt she could get ANY restraining order...I mean, no...of course not...just more crazy f---ing statements about me from her...but the whole email she sent me just got to me deeply...out of the blue...I don't know what I did to make this woman hate my very being so very much...I have no desire for her to come back...but this attack and everything really got to me at the wrong moment...it is killing me...this is so very hard to come out of and I just don't know...I really do not...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 27, 2021, 06:12:59 PM
I am going to be honest here...not sure if I am going to make it thru this...I want to...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: B53 on January 27, 2021, 10:28:15 PM
Cash,
You did nothing! She has a very serious mood disorder. She needs help. You will make it through this. You have a lot of people that are here for you.

B53



Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 27, 2021, 11:11:07 PM
B53...so sweet of you to say that...I hope right...I am really f+++++ trying...it almost feels like her stuff has been grafted upon me...I don't mean to be overly dramatic...it is just hard to shake...this thing has smothered me...I have been thru many breakups and that is part of life...but god, this one...I will make it of course I hope and want...but I don't think I have ever felt rejection in such a way if you know what I mean...and I still don't feel anger...something is off there...something just is not ok with me...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: SinisterComplex on January 28, 2021, 12:10:42 AM
Cash, so first...be kind to yourself. You will make it through this. Secondly, you are putting too much weight on yourself. However, a lot of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Sounds like I am brushing this off, but I assure you that is not the case. Instead...what you are feeling is perfectly normal because of the behaviors you were subjected to. These kinds of relationships torment people immensely. But, you have to take a step back and look at life as a whole. Is this really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things? Think big picture. This relationship perhaps brought out some things you needed to work on personally for you to grow into the person you are supposed to be. I mean, once you can allow yourself to get beyond the emotional weight then you can sit back and give it the thought it deserves which is...Hey Sh*t Happens. You live and you learn and move on. Life keeps flowing on.

For what its worth...if you get yourself to look at the situation as an opportunity then perhaps you can see rejection and failure not as negatives, but as positives. You are going to face rejection and failure again...think of them as reality checks to keep you in check to let you know you still have work to do. Embrace adversity...through Adversity there is Redemption!

Always keep in mind that you are the only person who determines your value...NO ONE ELSE! You are not being overly dramatic btw...you are hurt. Its emotion. You just have to let nature takes it course and not fight it. Feel your feelings. Feel how you have to feel. Get the sh*t out.Try to place your focus on things that have been on the back burner. Every day things can and will get better, but you have to get back up, dust yourself off and shrug off the toxic sludge that was leveled upon you and then say Hey lets go make a difference...or something to give you a drive to put you on the right path.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 28, 2021, 04:52:28 AM
Hi cash, not sure about the states but a lot of their law as far as I know stems from ours in the UK.

Our courts do not get involved in petty or vexatious litigation. Im guessing with covid now they are even more overburdened and less patient for the "Loopy Lous" that "Ive fallen out with my ex and now I want to bully him"

Take some time to chill out, im sure by now you have felt different anyway, how are you doing? why do you care so much about her anger?


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Gemsforeyes on January 28, 2021, 08:13:47 AM
Dear Cash-

I’m hoping your meds arrived and that you’re  feeling a bit more hopeful just knowing you have them in hand.  I started mine almost 3 weeks ago.  I was stubborn about it, but had to give in... and glad I did.  Please hang tough while the effects of the meds take hold.  Please keep posting.

I want to chime in about that nasty email from her.  My take is that something is amiss in her new “paradise”... so she’s lashing out at you.  Because if everything is so rosy, why would she be looking back?  Tsk tsk...

And... she’s fishing for contact from you.  Looking for you to object to her assertions that you abused her and INSTEAD looking for you to AGAIN make your declarations of LOVE.  Please try your best NOT to fall victim to this ruse.  And please also strongly consider blocking her mails. It really is time to protect yourself from her.  On all fronts.

You don’t need to be her fall back guy.  She’s a mess.  Let her clean herself up.  That’s no longer your job.  Not your obligation to bail her out.

Please love yourself.  She has shown herself no longer worthy of your love or attention.  Difficult, yes.  Impossible?  No.

Cash -  you DO have the strength to do this.

Warmly,
Gems


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: B53 on January 28, 2021, 10:33:35 AM
Nicely said Gem.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 28, 2021, 11:51:36 AM
oh, thank you all for the replies...they have really touched me...

Yes, everyone is right...I can't take her claims that she was abused for 6 years seriously at all...I mean, I know this was not in ANY sense the case...and everyone who ever spent significant amount of time with us knows that is deeply false...if anything, they feel she had abused me for years herself. Many have said to me they admired the unconditional love I held for her as they knew of her problems and of her behaviors at times...her rages etc...

I did not respond to her email...besides the fact that I don't want to really discuss anything with her...about us, about anything...I feel she is trying to provoke a response to then call the police or to get a restraining order...it might not go anywhere in court, I don't possibly see how it could...but I want NOTHING to do with such things...I remember well how she used to threaten in rages about calling the police and making a false abuse claim...

Her note, frankly, really did hurt...I wanted to not feel anything...but after everything she has done...all of it...and then to write me simply to let me know that she had been abused for 6 years...Interestinly she now accuses me of having NPD on top of all that...well, yes it got to me...like how much more of this? I also think her motives were other than just to cause pain, tho it was that...she had mentioned she had felt bad about draining our bank account and leaving me so destitute...and that when her unemployment insurance came thru (and it's been backlogged for something like 9 weeks...so it will be a good amount) that she would offer a bit of help to get on feet...and she explained in this note that it had finally come thru but she had no intention of helping because of her new stand that she was abused for so long...that and all this money she is getting is all being saved for "her big move to England"...the odd thing is that I even believed she might help...when I told my Mother this last night on phone she said "Honey, don't be ridiculous...I knew all along she was NEVER going to help and would cook something up...every single thing she has done from even before she took off has been dishonest and immoral...there are no goods sides left to her hon...not in your life anyhow... " 

But yes, thank you all who responded...I can genuinely feel your care...and I will certainly reread your notes  and advice numerous times today and onwards...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 28, 2021, 11:54:50 AM
And Gems...yes, I think it is a good thing we both decided to accept meds...please let me know how it goes for you if you would like to share...as I will...for me, I need help to shake off or mitigate this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness I have...it has kept me stuck...I need to sell a few things here (guitars) and locate a cheap car and find a job...I have waited and hurt long enough in that paralysis...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 28, 2021, 03:31:13 PM
S.T...I really liked this advice...it is a good way to look at things I feel...will try to take on everything all you good folks so kindly said to me...

"But, you have to take a step back and look at life as a whole. Is this really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things? Think big picture. This relationship perhaps brought out some things you needed to work on personally for you to grow into the person you are supposed to be. I mean, once you can allow yourself to get beyond the emotional weight then you can sit back and give it the thought it deserves which is...Hey Sh*t Happens. You live and you learn and move on. Life keeps flowing on."


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: forevermagenta on January 28, 2021, 09:27:18 PM
Hey Cash,

I admit again - I haven’t caught up entirely on all that’s been happening, but I did want to pick up on what you said earlier about your shock in hearing your ex say she didn’t love you for years.

 I’m asking you (and anyone reading)- do you think it’s possible for someone with BPD to actually love someone? Of course, I don’t mean infatuation or idealization (which I know my ex equated with love). My sense is, generally, their “love” is quite conditional and easily revoked. It isn’t love. So, not knowing you or following all the details that closely, I would just wonder if her saying that really has any meaning whatsoever. The meaning it does have is it gets a reaction out of you. And places her securely in the victim role, justifying her (likely/seemingly) impulsive decision.

Have you tried just drinking broth or plain miso? I find those helpful when I don’t have an appetite. And it gives me the added benefit of feeling like I am a living human being consuming foods and staying alive.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: once removed on January 29, 2021, 04:36:30 AM
I just never expected THIS from this person...I expected alot of things, not good things sometimes...but not THIS
...
So I think the worry and anxiety really arrived more fully after the explosion...I know one thing that has given me so much anxiety is her telling me at the end "I have not loved you for years"...I am a fairly perceptive person but had no idea this was the case...and I found myself having anxiety at that statement...like, how did I miss this? Why did we never talk over this over the years if she felt this way? It made me feel very strange to be honest...as if "what was our reality?"

Of course, maybe she did not mean that? Or maybe she did and it's just a way for her to justify doing what she did? I don't know...like so many here I want a form of closure, but doubt I will EVER get that. I know I need to accept that...

The other thing that gives me much anxiety...and this will sound silly...but it is her complete lack of care for my well being in any sense...we were so close for so long...to use a lousy analogy, its as if someone you knew for years and years and had a deep friendship with...or even say family...and one day you show up at their door and they don't even know who you are...they actually seem like they have no idea who you are in fact...and you are left questioning your own sanity...like "what is the real here?" If that makes sense...

ashwaghanda is a great supplement. i took a lot of things, and it was one of my favorites, it kind of got me over a delayed hump. sam-e was enormous for me. it made everything that was going on in my mind so much smaller. sleep is critical, too. before my doctor prescribed me antidepressants, he wanted to get my sleep back on track. i tried melatonin and it changed my life (i had always had sleep problems). if youre going to take supplements, check them out against your antidepressant, there can be lots of interactions between wellness supplements and antidepressants.

the goal of this board is beyond just getting through a breakup. ideally, its to really and truly "detach from the wounds". what does that mean, in practice?

a standout for me, from the article on surviving a breakup, had to do with one of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck, and "letting go of the words".

you have loved a person who lives and feels and speaks in extremes. no doubt, you, likewise, have been touched by those extremes, invested in those extremes, and even felt them yourself.

did she not love you for six years? does she consider herself now to be abused? ill put it to you this way: at one time, you were the greatest man alive, who could do no wrong, her savior, the end to all of her problems.

these things can not all be true at the same time. you cant be the greatest man alive and the worst.

the answer is that they were all true, at some time, for some time, and in the end, none of them are really "true", because your ex lives in a world of extremes.

it hurts because, naturally, you have invested a great deal in her words. to let go of them, the good and the bad, you have to see them for what they are. extreme expressions from a fickle person. you have to see your over investment in those words and what they mean(t) to you, and let them go.

as for why this person seems like someone you knew so well, and at the same time never knew? generally speaking, our relationships were built more on intensity than intimacy. im not saying they cant coexist, but they are often mistaken for one another. its a bit of a trope here, where we meet our partners, and each share our life stories very quickly, and each validate and accept and praise and love each other...and that feels very powerful, but for the most part, thats intensity. its not the same thing as intimacy, which is built slowly, over time. it tends to be that same intensity that sustains the relationship, until it violently breaks it up.

some of that intensity is why, even now, issues are continuing to play out between the two of you. it also has to do with why you are suffering. that intensity is not only very hard to let go of, but it continues. attachment leads to suffering. detachment leads to freedom.



Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: DJACJ5 on January 29, 2021, 05:36:41 AM

So I think the worry and anxiety really arrived more fully after the explosion...I know one thing that has given me so much anxiety is her telling me at the end "I have not loved you for years"..."

Of course, maybe she did not mean that? Or maybe she did and it's just a way for her to justify doing what she did?

Hi Cash,
my 2 cents is that you're thinking like a 'normal', logical person, who's capable of looking at facts, and remembering how things used to be.

 BPD sufferers seem to work more along the lines of "if I FEEL this way, it must be true", and they lack object constancy, so however they feel right now, MUST be the way they've always felt.

So a statement like "I never loved you", or an action like replacing a long term partner with someone else within days or minutes, fits their reality, even though it doesn't match a reality based on facts and history in the 'real' world.

I found this YouTube video which resonated with me:
(It's a snap-action, or bistable mechanism.)
I imagine the upper lever being the pwBPD, flicking between idealising and devaluing, and the lower lever being the non, who is capable of a whole range of feelings. BPD is the rubber band.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VZkgGIS3li4


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 29, 2021, 07:18:53 AM
Thank you all for the replies and care...

Forever: Can they love? Really love? That one leaves me at a loss...I am sure others here understand that better than I can. But my gut tells me, yes...but entirely in their own manner. If their love always comes out of an originally traumatic place...then how is that possible? If they "use" us to repeat those early tragedies...as if we are vehicles for repetitions...then how can that be love? To them it is, to us, no...I don't think so...

Once: you writing to me about that hit me greatly this morning. For me to continue to allow myself "overvaluation"  of her words...well, it is as if I picked up the ball and began playing at her game...and I think as well, I have overevaluated her via herself and her qualities, but also Us as a couple...not only do I need to detach from her words, I need to unlearn her language, or "our"  private language we seemed to create with one another if this makes sense...

I also think, and this has been hard...that I need to be a bit thankful of her new relationship in the sense that it was a "circuit breaker" (not for her I think, but for us and me...) Without that circuit breaker, without him, she would have never had the strength to do this...and we most likely would be continuing things as they were before...maybe in a changed way...but in a way that would let all those things play out between us as they always did...nor would have I simply have made the decision to end the whole thing and move on...I was too caught up in our dynamic. So as as terrible what she did is and was...it was a good thing. I want to accept that. At least something broke that immediate circuit...or we might have continued on for another 6 years possibly...

Sorry to babble on...

Djac: the little bi-stable machine model video strikes me as perfect...while watching it I almost had quick flashbacks of my moods being regulated by hers...and actually, now that I write this I see perhaps that is part of the problem: even with NC (or hardly any) my moods are still being regulated by hers...not on an everyday level as when we lived together...but how terrible the ending was and all she did...Yes, my moods are still being blown around by that and also by the memories and overevaluations on my part . And I need to detach from that as Once says...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: crushedagain on January 29, 2021, 07:53:01 PM
If her email was out of the blue after not hearing from her for quite some time, it sounds like things are not going well for her in her new little world and she's lashing out because she hasn't heard from you and realizes you are gone. What she really probably wanted was you as a fall back guy, and now that you're not, she's going to burn you down. That's the childish mentality of these types. Imagine the 4 year old that doesn't get what they want - they throw a tantrum and try to say the meanest things they can to get a reaction.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 29, 2021, 09:43:41 PM
thanks Crushed...I am not sure as so ugly...but I dont give a f+++k at this point...honest...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on January 30, 2021, 05:17:32 PM
cash you are gonna be fine and already are, there is everything that comes across as strong so if one thing in all of this, throw anxiety to the side. The rest of it? my way of coping was to see it as a poison that has to be let out. but too hazardous to do it all in one day. but it will in time be gone.

 its a case of a little bit each day and this means a little bit better each day also

 was hard to notice the difference sometimes but I can now, the amount of good work you are doing right now is indescribable in terms of energy but it is going on and it wont always be like this.

so well done so far is all id like to say, each day as it goes.  |iiii


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 31, 2021, 07:40:11 AM
Oh Cromwell...thank you for that...yes, it's been tough but hopefully I am getting there... as it has now been nearly 2 months...I find myself going hard on myself as I am not fully over this...hitting on self a bit for what I see as weakness on my part, or perhaps not entirely the right steps in right order or etc etc..so your note was very timely! Actually, I think that harsh self judgment on my part is the anxiety speaking...I need to keep in mind this was not going to be easy and certainly was always going to be an ongoing process...after two nearly months, I want it just over done, moved on and it doesn't bother me etc...but of course, this just was not going to happen...that isn't realistic.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 31, 2021, 10:59:14 AM
and Crushed, a follow up...just as an aside, well seems like things are going fine for her via the new thing...not that I can see anything or look...but her note mentioned saving all of her money for the "move to England"...so I would assume so...

Oddly, at this point, the further away she is the better in my mind for me...now, she is 250 miles away and I don't have to worry about running into her or "feeling" that she is nearby...3500 miles away sounds ever better... :hi:

I don't mean that just to be flippant...I just mention that what at first that literally made me so sad to even think of and that scared the heck out of me...well, now, it feels a bit different to me.

As for this out of the blue email...not sure what on earth would have brought it on...or the attacks therein...this notion that she was abused for 6 years in our relationship...well, it's absurd. Prolly comes from her just needing to continue onwards with splitting me entirely black. It is very obvious she deeply hates me now...and even a few days having passed that does not hurt me as much.  And of course I never responded to this letter. I could not see any point.Whatever I might say would bring certainly a prolly deeper attack back. That she may hate me so much now...well, I can do nothing about it. I think she is just going to take her own course and I can do nothing about it. I hope I have progressed in that. Even a few weeks or month ago I think it would have gotten to me much more. That's ok for me if she needs to hate me. I may not like it...but I know I am powerless to change that in any manner...and any attempt to do so on my side would just mean more pain and dark things.

As for the England thing...the interesting thing was at first, and even say 3 weeks ago...it was for a "visit"...now it it is being called a "move"...she said this numerous times in the email...as if she really wanted to underline this fact...which gives me a further feeling that she has literally "everything " riding on this going well...while I find that a strange way to start a new relationship it does make sense in the whole BP structure I now see...and I have no intention whatsoever of "being there" should that fantasy collapse down the line...

I had to chuckle a bit about one thing: while she refuses any help...meds or therapy or looking at herself at all and flies forward into this "I am moving to England to be with the man of my dreams for the rest of my life" stuff...I am the one now taking medicine...trying, as Cromwell said, to get the "poison" that we were out of me...I don't want to blunt my processing and recovery...but thought it might help with it. I hope so!     


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: crushedagain on January 31, 2021, 01:12:21 PM
Why not block her? What benefit do you get by not doing so?


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on January 31, 2021, 01:58:25 PM
Hey Crushed...well, have her blocked everywhere but via Gmail, even if you block, it will show up in trash...ended up finding it there of course...what I should do is close down the account and start a new addy, but sorta need to keep all my contacts there...but yes, I should work out a better solution!


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: brighter future on February 01, 2021, 09:45:59 AM
Cash,

I'm totally onboard with the theory that Crushed shared with you on your ex's latest communication with you. I experienced a similar thing with my BPD ex-wife while our divorce was pending.

I may have shared this with you before, but I can't remember for sure. Due to my ex wife's mental illness, I filed for emergency sole temporary custody of our child. My atty. recommended that I file for divorce also stating that it would make things easier, however, I told the atty. to hold off on that as I wanted to give my ex a chance to get better through therapy. So, the atty. just filed the petition for custody, and it was granted by the judge in a exparte hearing followed by a probable cause hearing. She filed for divorce alleging physical and mental abuse by me and stated in her petition that she was "terrified to be left alone with me." Interestingly enough, we had to attend a court ordered mediation about a month after I was awarded sole custody and after her divorce petition was filed. During this mediation session, the mediator told me that my ex "Said she didn't want a divorce and wondered if this could be worked out." Pretty interesting how she went from being terrified to be alone with me a month earlier to wanting to work things out. I gave the mediator a definite NO on the reconciliation after my ex's ridiculous allegations of abuse. After mediation, my ex resumed her allegations of abuse and her fear of being left alone with me. When the divorce finally made it to court, the judge ruled that there was no abuse after hearing our testimony and wrote in the divorce decree that "no reasonable person (referring to my ex-wife) would allege abuse in this case." Following the court hearing for the divorce, she had no issue being alone with me during exchanges with our child, etc. She literally makes me sick, and I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.

Throughout the majority of our marriage (up until it turned bad) she had her parents painted black and accused them of physical and mental abuse. When our marriage soured, she painted me black, and her parents became golden. In the forensic psychologists notes, she accused her parents of abuse. The psychologist testified about this, and my ex accused him of lying (why would you accuse the court appointed expert of lying?) and stated that her parents never abuse her. She stated that her parents "simply didn't understand my needs as a child. They did not abuse me. They just did the best they could." She has been playing fairly nice with me since she got back from inpatient treatment nearly a month ago. I know it will only last so long before she slips back into her old pattern of lying and manipulation. It's a never ending cycle.

It sounds like you are doing a bit better since receiving that crazy email the other day. Just try not to internalize her crazy words like everyone is suggesting. I know it's hard to do after reading allegations like that about you, which are completely false. I've been there, and I partly believe pwBPD actually believe their own lies when they speak them. Like my old T used to say, "Ignore...ignore...ignore." That really is the best policy when dealing with pwBPD. It took me a while to learn that and accept it, but it really does work. When you respond to the crazy, nothing good will ever come out of it.

Stay strong!









Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on February 01, 2021, 11:55:46 AM
Brighter...thanks...yes, the false "I was abused stuff" does seem to come up a lot doesn't it with them? Classic projection. and it makes sense. They were abused...just not by us.

The deeper I get into understanding, the more I see "belief" is a big problem with BPD...and for us as codependents...for instance, my ex's new belief that she is moving to england for rest of life as new facebook guy is so wonderful and that is forever...and that I am "evil"...this sorta intense belief...this stuff all filters into imaginary  and magical thinking...LIKEWISE, that we can be the one there to fix and help when we have become the trigger of that bad past for them to be honest...I feel there is a whole other part to this site for those trying to stick there and help them and keep it going...I mean no offense to anyone for trying and god bless...I admire the toughness...but if we are serious about this disorder...well...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Turkish on February 01, 2021, 09:05:30 PM
With that threat, in no way respond. She might be granted a TRO which was once told to me, "are usually granted if the person writes well." A former staff member had an RO on his wife. She later filed and successfully got a TRO on him while they shared custody of their tween daughter. My ex was granted a TRO against her husband's brother. No real evidence presented other than she was afraid. There was a call to the police that she made. That was it.

We've had members here get into trouble even though their exes violated the restraining orders.

We don't recommend ghosting significant others here (it's not healthy and can raise conflict, and you can feel the pain that she did it to you),  but in cases like yours, going incognito is best for you.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on February 02, 2021, 07:07:31 AM
Thank You Turkish...yes, I will not contact her in any way after that threat.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: brighter future on February 05, 2021, 08:28:15 AM
Brighter...thanks...yes, the false "I was abused stuff" does seem to come up a lot doesn't it with them? Classic projection. and it makes sense. They were abused...just not by us.

The deeper I get into understanding, the more I see "belief" is a big problem with BPD...and for us as codependents...for instance, my ex's new belief that she is moving to england for rest of life as new facebook guy is so wonderful and that is forever...and that I am "evil"...this sorta intense belief...this stuff all filters into imaginary  and magical thinking...LIKEWISE, that we can be the one there to fix and help when we have become the trigger of that bad past for them to be honest...I feel there is a whole other part to this site for those trying to stick there and help them and keep it going...I mean no offense to anyone for trying and god bless...I admire the toughness...but if we are serious about this disorder...well...

Cash, sorry it has taken me a few days to respond to you. It's been a busy week so far for me, but thankfully the weekend is almost here. I hope that this week has been a bit better for you.

My ex-wife claimed she was sexually abused by her uncle. The age ranges of when this abuse happened varied at least 3-4 times throughout the years. So, we didn't know what to believe. As I said before, she accused her parents of physical and emotional abuse only to deny it towards the end of our legal proceedings. Of course, she accused me of abusing her, other family members, teachers, friends, and even accused church clergy of spiritual abuse. Her thinking is so distorted that she even views differences of opinion as emotional abuse, especially when you stand up to her manipulative behavior and set boundaries. She was involved with a man for about 9 months last year and into the latter part of 2019. He was the 4th or 5th since our divorce was final in early 2015. My daughter was telling me that her mother told her that she was "going to marry this guy and have more children with him." The relationship came to an abrupt halt about a year ago from this coming Spring. He was in another relationship a few months later. I met him once a year ago this month, and he seemed like a nice guy. My guess is that he caught on to her mental illness and decided to get out. My ex-wife is the eternal victim, and nothing is ever her fault.

In regards to my recent ex-g/f, she told me there was some inappropriate behavior during the marriage but nothing in the way of physical abuse. That was interesting because she told two of her extended family members (who are also mutual friends of mine) that there was some physical and emotional and emotional abuse. We now believe that she was most likely saying all of that to play the victim and devalue her ex-husband to all of us.  I'd say that's what you've got going on right now with your ex's latest crazy antics, which is another BPD trait. My ex-g/f is different than my ex-wife. Sometimes she plays the victim, and other times she is accountable for her actions.

I saw my ex-g/f last Friday evening again while she was next door at her parent's house visiting (second time in a week), and it was a bizarre encounter. I was backing out of my driveway to go to a restaurant in town to pick up some takeout that I'd ordered over the phone. As I was backing up, she was walking down her parent's sidewalk which runs parallel to my driveway about 40 feet apart. We've usually always been cordial and waved at one another since the breakup while she's been next door.  This time, she kept looking down and the ground and refused to acknowledge me even though her son was standing a short distance away from her. He was waving at me and jumping up and down with excitement. I acknowledged him with a wave and smile, however, I paid no attention to her and drove past where she was parked and headed to pick up my food. Just yesterday, she acknowledged one of my social media posts on a mutual friend's page. How strange...

I've been taking those Ashwagandha capsules for anxiety for just over a week now. I'm not sure if it's just in my head or not, but I haven't been feeling as much anxiety as I've felt for the last several months. There's a two months supply of those in my cabinet, so I can give a better account of how I feel after taking them for a longer period of time. The cost on those is $22 for a one month supply, or 60 capsules.

Hope you have a great weekend. Do something nice for yourself.



Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on February 05, 2021, 11:35:01 AM
Hey Brighter and thanks for the response...yes, that is strange that she liked one of your posts thru a friend on social media...these things all seem to be signs...

I realize via mine that the whole point of her contacting me last month  and offering to help a bit when she got her massive unemployment check of 8 grand or so was simply a ruse. She had no intention of perhaps doing the right thing after the way she left me stranded here. I am not even sure what set her off. I mentioned to her that I did not want to hear about her new thing in a response email as she had been talking about him yet again. After that came the note that she felt I had abused her for the previous 6 years and any help would be withdrawn...again, as I am her abuser she now feels. She also mentioned she needs all this money and is going to save up 18 grand for her move to england where she plans to immediately apply for british citizenship once they are married! All this for someone she has never yet met...

I guess if she is married, she needs to show 18 grand in her bank account to the gov. so they know she won't be a social liability...interesting! So this is her plan I guess...and then she should become a british citizen in 5 years time...this after paying another 20 grand in fees along the way...she would be 65 at that point.

It's quite the plan...this might sound mean spirited but there is nothing to do with someone so crazy and so living in fantasy...from what I hear the guy as well is going along with it all and really wants all this. (This brought up the question in my head of what happens when two BPD's get together...not that I believe he is and I certainly have no insight to him...it was just a question of what if that does happen in real life even to others?)

I am just amazed at the splitting that has gone on here towards me via all this. Yes, it's common...but at this point, it is like we never existed as a couple. I am not complaining about that. But boy, she hates my guts...so be it I guess. I have totally given up on any notion of closure via her and I. It is really ok tho: she can hate me all she wants as far as I am concerned. Whatever she needs to "float her boat"...

Emotionally, this has gotten better...I still have anxiety about the future and getting on feet. I managed to sell some things (guitar) to raise about half the money for a cheap car...and am hopeful by next week to have other half...then will go find a quick job.

But emotionally via her...and how this all unfolded...it is a bit better...her betrayal and all of her stunts hurt less now...nor do I feel much about her new thing...a bit, but not much...those things are not bothering me so severely...in fact, I can't really put together who she has become with what we went thru...and I do not miss her at this point. Nor do I now worry if she tried a recycle...she won't...but if she did I am in no danger. Any sympathies I held have left...I merely see her as a dangerous person at this point. I would not say I hate her...but I certainly dislike this person now. That helps actually and is far more realistic. My sympathies would do nothing for her anyhow even if I still held them. It all sounds a bit cold...but I do not care what happens to her. The stuff she pulled via us were so extreme that I can't say I wish her well, but that isn't up to me anyhow.

I am still rather shell shocked by all the things she did of course...but it is better. I am still amazed that she was able to simply dump her own pets, her  cats...and realize I will be taking care of them for the rest of their lives as I am just like that. That's ok as I love animals. Still, I find it shocking she could simply abandon them all...I guess they too were simply part of her fake reality...all the talk about how they were her family etc...the mirror was broken on them as well, poor things. My feeling is that she identifies them now with too much of our time together...so like everything, they have to be denied and turned black. The funny thing is she showed up with them in the first place. They don't fit the english plan so out they go...admirable.

While I am still going thru lots of things...I have to say not dealing with her drama and rage attacks for two months has done me good...this place is now mine and it's moods and emotions and daily life are no longer run by her...it's simply up to me. THAT I can handle hopefully...


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Cromwell on February 07, 2021, 04:31:11 PM
cash you are not just on your way, there is a lot of strength here already, and its been 2 months of a sequelae of emotional and practical stresses to deal with. consider wishing her well, as I did, for one simple reason - it limits the chance of her back on your doorstep as "plan B". Maybe she doesnt know how much she misses the animals until after some time apart and she changes her mind?

hope your appetite returns, and was wondering if your sleep is alright, both ive found out are important to mood and maybe worth reflecting more on if they are issues.

stick in there, maybe you already have been through the toughest part, for many the first few months are and then report it gets easier.


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: Woundedfriend on February 07, 2021, 06:49:00 PM
Wow you guys have helped me out just reading your stories. I feel like I have had a few relationships like this. My latest a close friend at work that keeps playing hot and cold. I once conveyed to her while she was helping me with my marital issues that I had always had a crush on and at the time had feelings for her, I got over that but she constantly uses it as an excuse to push me away and ignore me without reason. This last time was for a month and just last week she warmed up to me after she got into it with our boss and I tried to help keep her out of trouble by telling her to keep her head while replying to a nasty email the whole department was cc’d in between her and our boss. I miss our friendship and our text conversations. We were very god friends. She seemed to target the other people that I’m close to to find my replacement. None of them realize what she really is. She can play the sweetest person in the world and being very attractive can easily seduce men. I wonder once these other people don’t fit her needs if we will ever be close again or if I’m forever branded for my honesty. As a friend this behavior has been very heartbreaking and destructive I can’t imagine a wife like this and shudder looking back on girls friends like this. Thank you guys for your stories. They helped me a lot


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: cash05458 on February 08, 2021, 09:11:35 AM
oh thank you for saying that Cromwell...it is always good to hear such things...yes, hopefully over the worst...fingers crossed!


Title: Re: She has gone totally ghost today and last few days
Post by: once removed on February 10, 2021, 12:22:14 AM
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