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 :help: :help: (I'm a US citizen living in Japan) Please someone who can relate. My wife is crazy (everyone is telling me) and I can't take it anymore. I'm scared of her because of how much power she has over me. She has our daughter, she's followed through on her threats: Holding on to our money without sharing it, not allowing me to see my daughter, threatened to kick me out of our apartment or cut the electricity (I got control over it so it won't happen now), her mom threatened to not let me see my daughter if I didn't want to talk to her, and my wife hasn't shown me any sign trying to let anything go my way. All she says is, "So you're saying you want a divorce?" whenever I put up any boundary. She has the keys to the apartment and hasn't left anything of value here so she can come to my apartment and wreak havoc at any time or call the police on me again. If she divorces me, I have to leave the country but I can still fight for visitation after divorce. Not only does my wife have BPD, her parents as well. They have an emeshed family and it's so bad.
She just messaged me saying, "Do you want a divorce? Or do you want to continue this marriage?" She's been saying divorce since we got married to get her way. I've usually been able to laugh it off because her threats at the time were empty because I had my life together. As soon as I moved to Japan, she wanted control over everything and her mom was being very controlling. Her mom is the worse. I cannot deal with her mom and my wife at the same time.
My therapist is doing whatever he can and after telling him everything I could, one of the first things he said was, "You can't deal with crazy on crazy terms."

Please, someone, I don't think this is going to work out but I want to be with my daughter and perhaps stick it out until I can have a better control over my daughter's life. This isn't the first time I've felt this panic, It's just happening again. This is what happens when I think about getting back with my wife.

How old is your daughter? I’m assuming you are not living with your wife currently? Do you get time with your daughter apart from your wife and her mother?

I can't really help, but I can say that I empathize with your situation.  It seems like you are feeling like you have no good options, and I bet it feels like you are being "blackmailed" in a way.  I get it.

My W occasionally talks about moving out of the country, or out of the state.   I feel for you having to negotiate this situation as a foreigner.  It adds a serious level of complexity.

It sounds to me like you lean in the direction of being separated/divorced, but fear losing your daughter.  Is your W Japanese?  I seriously suggest getting some kind of legal advice from a US lawyer about how they handle these situations.  Perhaps contact a US Consulate for advice/assistance if there is a chance you will have to leave the country.

I'm also in Japan. That's tough, I hope things work out for you. If you think there's a risk she might hit you with a surprise divorce, consider a fujuri todoke (https://www.japantimes.co.jp/community/2013/04/23/how-tos/fujuri-todoke-a-valuable-insurance-policy-if-your-marriage-is-on-the-rocks). It'll be really hard to fight it if you lose your residency status.

You mentioned she called the police on you? Is that okay now?

How old is your daughter? I’m assuming you are not living with your wife currently? Do you get time with your daughter apart from your wife and her mother?
My daughter is 1 years old. And we are living separate. No, my wife doesn't contact me if I want to see my daughter. She is at her parent's place, aka fortress of being spoiled by her mom. Her mom is also a narcissist and I recently watched a video about how narcissist mothers treat their daughters which is now why I know my wife is being controlled by her and relies on her for an enmeshed emotional support. I can't quite figure it out how exactly but I assume my wife's mother knows how to keep her at the house by telling her certain things I've never seen or heard her say before.

I can't really help, but I can say that I empathize with your situation.  It seems like you are feeling like you have no good options, and I bet it feels like you are being "blackmailed" in a way.  I get it.

Yes the "blackmail" is bringing me down in every way. Betrayed, lost of trust, and realization of how a BPD person loves someone, isn't how you love someone normally is a big downer and is making me feel the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)tiest I've ever felt in my life.

My W occasionally talks about moving out of the country, or out of the state.   I feel for you having to negotiate this situation as a foreigner.  It adds a serious level of complexity.

It's forced me to avoid her and her family for a while right now because they can attack/threaten me with anything at this point and I'd have to bend to their will.

I have talked to 2 lawyers and I've been to the city hall and asked for advice. I really could use someone who can read and explain to me all the forms they've given me to read.

I'm also in Japan. That's tough, I hope things work out for you. If you think there's a risk she might hit you with a surprise divorce, consider a fujuri todoke. It'll be really hard to fight it if you lose your residency status.

You mentioned she called the police on you? Is that okay now?
I've confirmed with the police and everything they're saying is just warnings and precautions. It is not a restraining order. The police are being ass backwards though. I told them to tell my wife to stay away from me and they say they can't do it because she "lives there" even when she also attacked me. She's come to the apartment and opened the door before I could get to it and if I'm away at work, she could come anytime to take stuff away from me. All her threats are very real and has followed through with them. Her mom has told me, "Well I was going to ask if you want to see your daughter but if you say you can't talk on the phone, I guess that can't be helped." (translated and paraphrased from Japanese). Which I responded with, please don't use my daughter in a threat. And she was clueless to what her threat was.

Thank you very much for all of your responses! Please keep them coming because they are helping me!