BPDFamily.com

Amongst those who have successfully ended relationships with pwBPD, I see a wide spectrum of experiences on here.

Not having done it yet, I have no idea what to expect. Are there any indicators that can help us predict how the pwBPD is likely to react once it does happen?

For instance, if the pwBPD has threatened violence during the relationship, one can probably expect more of the same or even making good on those threats once the relationship is over.

But, if the pwBPD has never exhibited such traits, how common is it for them to suddenly become violent, or seemingly transform into a completely different person?

By your question, I’m assuming you are considering leaving your marriage with a BPD spouse, who has not shown any signs of behaving violently and are wondering if that’s a possibility.

It’s hard to say how someone will respond to a life changing event but if they haven’t shown the proclivity for violence, that’s a good sign.

In answer to your question, I agree with CatFamiliar, "It’s hard to say how someone will respond to a life changing event but if they haven’t shown the proclivity for violence, that’s a good sign."

I had been married over a decade and my then-spouse had been exhibiting more and more concerning behaviors.  I mistakenly though that if we had a child she would be focused on the more positive things of life.  It backfired, she relived her childhood fears through our child.  Now that I was a father she started comparing me negatively to the only father she had known, her abusive stepfather.

Mine had made some verbal threats to disappear and I'd never see my preschooler again.  She had also started looking at me suspiciously when I was bathing him or alone with him.  (In hindsight, good thing we happened to have a boy and not a girl.)

But she also seemed to be of the waif/hermit sort then.  She often ask me to do the shopping.  She would rant and rage periodically of course, but then shut herself in the guestroom and moan and groan for hours.

After separation, I never saw that behavior again, she had morphed into queen/witch patterns.  Before separation she had mostly done private misbehaviors, afterward she started making allegations to impact our custody/parenting hearings, trying to make me look worse than her.

So one factor most impacting on the level of conflict is whether there are shared children.  If there are no children the level of conflict ought to be less.  Even without children, there can be conflict over division of marital assets or just getting a divorce.

These are ballpark estimates since each person is different.

It's a good question.

Bill Eddy (www.highconflictinstitute.com) talks about the difference between someone with a personality disorder, and someone who is a high-conflict personality (HCP).

An HCP has a target of blame (you), recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has a personality disorder.

According to Eddy, you can have a PD and not be HCP, but someone who is a HCP always has a PD.

If your partner is an HCP, the response can become more legally nightmarish (which is why he wrote the book Splitting, to help us navigate these exits).

Eddy also writes about different levels of danger that someone with BPD typically exhibits:

*generally cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, not dangerous
*not cooperative, dangerous

By dangerous he means HCP type behaviors like false allegations of domestic violence, sexual assault, child molestation, substance abuse, domestic violence, suicidal ideation.

How would you characterize your partner?
Does your partner exhibit HCP traits?

What is your best guess to how she will respond?

I have found only one, extremely consistent formula for predicting how my BPDex would respond to any event. The formula is this: always expect the most random and/or disappointing, unproductive respone.

If you expect your partner to finally discard you and leave you alone, expect to be love-bombed.

If you expect your partner to panic and plead for another chance because you are about to abandon her, expect to be discarded.

If you expect them to lash out, expect the silent treatment.

If they finally dump you for someone else and you move on, expect them to return.

And on the other hand, if you haven't really moved on and are waiting and hoping for them to pop  up again for a new cycle, expect them to stay away.

And so on. I have searched and searched, tried to learn about how to communicate, what "makes them tick" etc... Nothing ever worked (well). It always felt like all of my input just went through a big chaos generator that spit out the worst possible reaction for the situation at hand. There's really no way you can ever "win" in my view.

Disclaimer: the above is my personal experience with "undiagnosed" BPD and HPD exes. I'm putting undiagnosed in quotes because they were diagnosed by their therapists, who confided in me about this. They themselves however, were unaware of this diagnosis, and not making any conscious effort to work on themselves. Other people might have more luck...

A practical strategy:  Plan for the worst and hope for the best (or least bad).

As others have mentioned, you never know for sure with BP's, so expect the unexpected. I do think it's a good sign that she's never been violent with you in the past, but that's still not a guarantee that it won't happen when you "abandon" her.

One thing I'd suggest is to prepare as if the worst will happen. Make sure all of your valuables are in your control and she can't access any of them, make sure you're safe, etc. If she learns of the divorce in your presence, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone you trust within earshot, and you can even record everything that happens. I'd check with an attorney to before recording to find out how to do it, because each state is different.

The issue of recording or not...  Although I live in a one-party state, where both parties aren't required to agree to recording, I would have (quietly) recorded for my own safety.  I felt I needed to have some amount of documentation that I wasn't the one misbehaving.  So my stance is, "I'm recording myself to document I'm not behaving poorly, if my ex gets recorded during a rant or rage, well..."

The problem, especially for men, is that usually the incidents are in private but when an allegation is made, it's one story versus the other's story, typically that would be hearsay, but the risk is a woman has default credibility vested in her by society and laws.

Of course, recording must not be done waving the phone or device like a red flag to a bull.  Do it low key, don't create conflict on purpose.

I've been here for years and I don't recall any member getting in serious trouble for recording.  I conclude that (1) most recording laws were intended to limit professional actions and (2) we do have some basis to seek self-protection.  Probably not even a handful of times the court ordered the parents to stop recording the children.  The court didn't want the children put in the middle of conflict.