BPDFamily.com

 Hello
we are married for the last 3 and half years and have a two year old daughter. I feel that my wife is suffering from BPD and i cannot control or console her even for a minute. I tried to get her a support by engaging a psychologist. But she is not willing to continue that after the first session. It may be noted that the same is not officially diagnosed and she does not have any hint about the disease. Somebody please heap me to how to tackle this situation so that i can convince her and can help her to get a proper care from experts.

These relationships are difficult. Here’s a good overview:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Because it’s a shame based disorder, it can be very difficult to get your partner to admit she needs help.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

What you can do is work on your side of the relationship. Many relationships will greatly improve when the “non” partner works on improving communication skills.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Hi Melbin

I've also tried to convince my partner to go to therapy. I succeeded only on one occasion, when I threatened to leave the house within one month unless she tried it. She resentfully accepted, but maintained throughout that she did so for my sake, because I'm the one with all the issues. She did a few sessions but maintained that it didn't help her, that we (me and her) are the ones who can only resolve our relationship issues, and that she doesn't need therapy at all.

My partner has shown glimpses here and there of self-awareness, but only in relation to fears of illness/death e.g. she would feel strange sensations in her body and consider that she might have cancer. This has led to reading a book about cancer recovery and also a documentary with spiritual and alternative perspectives on healing. Maybe this has planted some seeds of growth for her... but for now she's completely blind to the fact that her emotionality and intense stress is her problem, no matter how much I've tried to convince her that we are all 100% responsible for our own emotions and our responses to them (and therefore, our actions). I've given up completely trying to change her, convince her of anything, etc.

Hope you are well? How is it going now?

We often say here that for a person with BPD (pwBPD) FEELINGS EQUAL FACTS.

What they feel can be so extreme that they are convinced it is the absolute truth. Any attempt on our part to convince them otherwise is doomed to fail.

So many of us partners of pwBPD are very logical and fact-driven. We are convinced that if we could just describe the issue well enough, that we could change our loved one’s perspective. Unfortunately that is likely to make them think we have an ulterior motive and that we are not to be trusted.

What we need to do instead is to validate them. That doesn’t mean that we need to agree with them. Rather it means that we just understand what it is they believe.

Here’s a video on validation   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132

And an article on validation   https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating