BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I'm new on this board.

My husband and I are separating due to his being in a new relationship, and I'm realizing our relationship has been one of co-dependence due to his personality disorder. We're charting our path (amicably for now) towards the future because we both love our 3.5 year old twins.

He has been a great and attentive Dad but only in aspects that are not "nurturing" - I was delegated (and burdened with) all of those: cooking, cleaning, bathing, shopping, you name it. As he was seeking his new love, I created a vision of a future that would be best for me and our girls, which would involve me moving back to Boston, connecting with my old support networks, working at our Boston office where I've had opportunity for upward mobility, and living in a City I truly love and miss. He decided to remain in Atlanta although neither he or the other woman (my junior colleague and our play auntie btw) have anything tying them to this city.

We are now working through a long-distance parenting plan. I have been doing all the drafting b/c he is obviously distracted and generally lacks motivation to do stuff. To avoid being blamed for things going wrong in the future, I brought on board a child psychologist to help us work through it. She will help us refine and operationalize the plan.

I was just wondering if there are others out there who went through what we're going through. One of my concerns is that he will fall apart once I (his former "caretaker" who he still claims to "love") and the girls (who he adores and depends on for social validation) are gone. And he is still in the same house. My gut sense is that he's going to get depressed. My gut sense is that it's going to affect his burgeoning love affair. My gut sense it that I'm going to be picking his pieces up if I want him in the girls' lives... My HOPE is that none of that happens. That he will start acting like an adult. But that's high hopes - because I've known him for 23 years and he hasn't done that.

I'm also looking for any advice on best practices for the custodial parent to engage the distance parent. Ideas, resources, protocols. Even examples of parenting plans if you are able to share.

Thank you SO MUCH in advance.

While it's nice to try to fix things in advance, the fact is you're dealing with a — predictably — unpredictable disordered ex-spouse.  He is an adult and you can't live his life for him.  Look at the example of divorce court.  It doesn't try to change him nor fix him.  It deals with "what is", the documented behaviors it sees, and sets an order to outline the boundaries expected of each parent.  Likewise, be cautious about "picking his pieces up".  You might end up setting yourself an impossible task.