BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

Split from my BPD boyfriend end of September. I have gone between no contact to some contact.

Many lies and gaslighting have been attempted by him as a means of 'making me pay'.
He has moved to a different city and has collected most of his stuff from my house.

After no contact, I did send very short, 'well done' 'I'm pleased for you' messages when he messaged be for support for how he was doing so well. Then after he said about us getting back together again, I said, I have to be really clear again that is not ever going to happen.

Cue a barrage of 'pissing on his chips' 'no right to tear down a person's hopes and dreams' etc etc

It has gone sour.

The pattern is, BPDex says 'I'm coming to get my stuff on X date' then when I ask for facts, time, is he coming alone? As i need to arrange someone to be in the house as I wont be there and we need to give people notice. It turns into a chance to manipulate and tell me how Im not being nice etc etc

I'm proud of myself for pretty much not reacting and just asking him to answer the facts.

I sent him an email trying to sort the practicalities
He refused to read it

I asked him 5 times by text for a time and to confirm. Nothing.

I involved a mutual friend before as that seemed to make ex BPD commit to coming, now that friend feels in the middle.

Have had to get my brother involved now to ask e BPD to take his name off out family security camera system after asking him in email and text to do this, giving him instructions of how to do this. It's a 5 minute job.

Have now had a barrage of texts of how I shouldnt have involved my brother, how he will 'get round' to changing the name of the cameras. And that I better not be turning my family against him as he loves them! And that he is moving back to here, even though the only reason he moved here was for me and I dont want to see him again.

Question:

How do I get him to get the last of his stuff. I informed him it needed to be out by end of December. Then COVID restrictions got worse and I softened.

I've told him everything needs to be gone in this one go or it will be left outside as it's not my responsibilty.

EVERYTHING and I mean everything gets projected back onto me as being the root of these problems.

I've got my brother on the case of the camera. I've not answered his texts with anything other than asking for facts.

What do I do? Anyone managed to solve this?

He did the exact same with his ex-wife, made her out to be this awful person who got rid of all his personal belongings, it's because he refuses to take his stuff.

I hate this because after feeling so much better to be out of the relationship, it's hard not to feel controlled again.

Advice on how to get rid of his stuff?

All the other stuff Im ok with. I am going to have no contact.

How much "stuff" is still at your house? What financial restrictions do you have?

Based on the opportunities you have given him and his (lack of) response over a period of months, you certainly have options.

The cleanest solution, although it would cost you, is the rent a storage unit. It could be basic, doesn't have to be climate-controlled. I would pay for 90 days, but you might decide to pay for just 30 days. Then send him the keys/code and access into -- signature required -- and tell him he has X days to either retrieve his property or start paying the storage unit fees himself.

Then you are done with it.

Sounds like a typical BPD tactic.
 
He knows this is burdening you and knows it also keeps the two of you connected, if he doesn't take responsibility to come get his things.

What person in their right mind would actually risk having their items thrown out like you claimed you would do. My guess is that he knows you really wouldn't do it. So he's playing games and manipulating you. Don't give him that power any more. Stop being too nice. He doesn't deserve it. This is a time stick up for you and he no longer deserves your energy.  

I would consider really being done. Can you have someone help put his items outside in the yard or whatever front area you may have? Tell him on "this date" the items would be outside. He can arrange to come get them and if he doesn't, a sign goes up that says "Free to anyone who wants this" and you can have the public come sort through and take what they want.

You've been way fair and have truly gone above and beyond to be accommodating to coordinate the pick up. No more. He's using this as a way to keep you strung along.

It's kind of like the motto "bad press is better than no press"... well, your ex is using this as the last shred of contact and connection to manipulate. I know the pattern all too well. Time to be DONE with him! You can do it.  :wee:

Thanks for these replies.

I've thought about storage but then I will get landed with the fees if he doesn't collect which is likely.

Yes, I'm thinking that he has no right to come back into the house and that I'm going to arrange for his stuff to be outside when he comes.

Other people are telling me to dump his stuff but I can't seem to do it.

I guess if I don't hear anything, I give him a date, notify him it will be outside and then removed after a month.

To think I have defended this man to others and backed him up with lawyers when he was trying to get access to his estranged daughter.

Thanks for the advice