BPDFamily.com

 :help:
My daughter is 29 and lives with me, her Dad, and her son aged 8. She has never been diagnosed with BPD - I found that diagnosis when trying to understand her troubled mind.

She has been difficult since she was a child, her first episode was when she was about 11 and screamed at a friend upsetting her greatly. The mother came to me the next day but when I questioned Rachel she denied it and I believed her. She had always done her best to annoy her older sisters but there had not been anything serious.  When she came to her teenage years she had more anger episodes screaming at me and lashing out, once throwing me back against a glass door with such force that it broke. Each time, I thought it would be the last. Her first serious episode occurred when her Dad and I had separated - she was probably about 15.  She locked herself in her bedroom and the following day she said that she had taken an overdose the previous night - we rarely had anything other than a few paracetamols in the house so I did not quite believe her.  I got her Dad to come to the house but she refused to leave her room.  When she eventually came out she said she would only go to our family doctor with her Dad. They went but it was too late for medical intervention - our doctor said it was unlikely that any lasting damage would have been done, due to the quantity of paracetamol she had ingested. She again refused to see a therapist. It was suggested that her Dad and I did a parenting course, which we found useful.
During the following years, she was verbally abusive very often, and violent sometimes - hitting out at me and kicking me. As the years have gone by she blames me for not ensuring that she saw a therapist but she always refused. Our next major episode was after my husband and I got back together and we went to California from Ireland to celebrate the end of her second-level education when she was 17. A disaster.  Following a few polite words I had had with a waitress, she went into one of her angry moods and verbally attacked me.  The following day, she started breathing strangely and slept on the floor. She spent the following two nights sleeping in the bathroom and not coming out of the room at all. Weeks later, she claimed she had had an anxiety attack and that I had ignored it.
The years progressed, she became pregnant after her first year in college and left. Her son, now aged almost 9, is an absolute treasure and I love him dearly - as does she. She started another degree course after taking a year out and she did two years before giving up. She split up from her partner. She worked as front of house in a restaurant during this time - and still does.  She eventually settled into a degree, studying to be a primary school teacher and she's in her final year. During most of the last 4 years she has been relatively easy to live with.
My husband and I got back together - unfortunately not happily! It's been over 10 years and we're more like brother and sister who just about get along than a marriage relationship.  Rachel constantly involves herself in arguments, taking her father's side and this then leads to a row, with her getting very angry with me, and then not speaking to me.  One of these rows kicked off last July during a lockdown.  Her Dad and her sister (who was visiting) seemed to take her side for the first time and I was "left out in the cold", being ignored.  This continued for a few days until I eventually broke down in tears and left the room where we were having lunch. Her sister came to my bedroom to talk and whilst I cried in anguish and anger I said the awful words "she has hurt me so much throughout her life, I should have had an abortion".  Rachel was listening outside the door and heard this. What a disaster! I never meant those words and tried to tell her but she didn't want to know. I moved out for a couple of weeks to let her calm down.  We communicated after the first week and I then moved back in.  She said that she would go to a therapist to try to get rid of my very hurtful words.  I deeply regretted them the instant I had said them and she seemed to eventually accept my many apologies and we returned to getting on together.  Initially, I asked her a few times if she was OK and if she had forgiven me and each time she would say that she didn't want to talk about it.  I let things go, thinking that if I brought up the subject I would hurt her more.  We seemed to be getting on really well, almost as friends, until 31st January.  She had had an extremely stressful week and I was aware of this and could see the warning signs. Unfortunately, I said something simple about a guy on TV: "he has very strange eyes".  She attacked me saying that I was always passing judgement and negative about people and it had to stop.  I responded that I wasn't criticising him or saying something hurtful to his face. She went on and on until I said I was going to bed and then she lashed out, trying to kick me and shouting at me. The remainder of our communication that night was by WhatsApp. In my final message, I asked her to please allow us to move forward.
It is now 10 days later, her 29th birthday and she is refusing to speak to me.  I've sent apologetic messages and they've been ignored.  She refused to accept her birthday gift (one she had chosen) this morning and told her Dad that she did not want to celebrate a day that I had not wanted to happen. She said that all I want to do is "fix her but there is nothing to fix".
This is just an extremely brief resume of 20 years of pain and "walking on eggshells". She refuses to talk to her sisters and has barely spoken to her Dad.  Her little son knows that there is something terribly wrong but I haven't spoken to him about it.
This time I don't see a way forward.

Hi Deemur
Thanks for writing in.  You have made a good first step by reaching out, as it is necessary for us parents to have our own separate network of support.  You are not alone.  There is a way forward, but it takes work on our part.  It is not an over night success cure, but the way forward is possible.   

As you read through here you will see there is no one size fits all way on how to handle an adult BPD living in the parental home.  However, it is important to realize everyone is as important in the home as the BPD sufferer.    Another realization is that we are all human and we all make mistakes. 
Would it be possible to talk with you husband and figure out what some ground rules would be acceptable to you both with do able consequences?   Being on the same page is essential .

At the same time we all have to learn coping skills on how to deal with all this; our own emotions , our sick kids' emotions.  There is actually a book for suggested reading listed in the Library on this forum   "stop walking on Eggshells" which states in the first chapter that by helping ourselves first, we help our BPD.  That was an eye opener for me. 

I am sure others will chime in, but allow yourself to learn more about BPD, and find out where your husband is on this. I would say not to allow your daughter's mood/ ignoring you stop you from living your day.  If she ignores you and refuses your gift, that is on her, not you.  It hurts, yes.  However, as an adult , if she choses to mess over her own birthday, well that is her right.  You can still move forward and do something for you - after all , you were her partner in crime on her birthday!  You should celebrate you on her birthday in some small way. 

In addition to joining this forum, some of us here have our own therapists and I also recommend going to 12 step program for families such as Codependents anonymous (CODA).  Free, online meetings , all times / days.  The reason I personally go to 12 step meetings is they help with keeping the focus on me and to detach from the BPD. We often get enmeshed and have to re learn about us .   It also helps me with self forgiveness ( although as a Mother, this is a tough one that I am still working on).

Please keep on writing us as you have need, we are here for you.