BPDFamily.com

uBPDh says this a lot.  If we run into problems (a lot of times the trigger would be me being invalidating to him, I'm very, very guilty of that so I have a big part to play as a trigger, I know), he will say, "I have tried my best.  There is nothing more I can do."  Then he would go on to say how a) I haven't tried, or b) how I claim to have tried but haven't changed, so it means I will never change.  If I say I'm sorry, he will say I am not, because I haven't changed.

This goes round and round.  Because sometimes when he's back to baseline (not saying things to deliberately get a rise out of me- or when I haven't responded to those names for a long time), he'll instruct me to "do better".  "Be nicer".  He also accuses me in a very B&W manner- "I build up everything and everybody around me.  You destroy everything." "I help others.  You are useless."  (Actual words, ok?  I didn't make this s*** up).  Like everything is 100% my fault.  Most of the time the feeling I get from him is "he takes care of me and loves me in his own way but he doesn't like me at all".  Of course, remembering the things he says to me when dysregulated doesn't help.  I try not to think about it.

So my question is- from what I said, can anyone analyse what response he wants from me, and also how to get out of this rut?  I agree that nothing will change... until I change the way I react to him.  Of course the best thing will be not to trigger him, but what if I already did?  Because it seems like even if I catch myself and apologise right away, things always have gotten to the point of no turning back...

I get this “I’ve done my best” BS from my husband on occasion. I chalk it up to him feeling insecure and defensive and worried that he’d somehow be blamed for an outcome that wasn’t desirable. I usually say something like, “I’m sure you have,” which oddly gets a denial, that he could have done better, but whatever...

After that point, I just ignore it.  lol