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 :help: :caution:So... She contacted me last night. Telling me if I could stay on the phone with her since she was scared to sleep. Mind you my morning routine would be altered Im like hey, what the hell, let me be nice. So from 10:00pm to about 7:00 she was on the phone with me. I fell asleep but I was on the phone with her.

During the call, she was going on and on about me. Had 3 nightmares in between. Telling me she clutches her moms ashes and rocks back and forth. She blamed me, her present husband, her 2 ex boyfriends all for everything about them having female friends and texting females...

She was telling me some guy got mad at her because she was texting all her male friends (sounds familiar) so she tells me at 7:30 she dont want anything to do with me. So I'm like ok..

I go about my day, studying for my LSAT, looking for a new house she sends me a message "Please stay on the phone with me tonight, we arent getting back together.. So Im blasting Taylor in my head as I study. She then tells me.. or sends me a pic of her at work.. with her work husband.

What is she trying to do to me. She also wanted me to take her to do food shopping. Granted when I was with her I felt like her husband. But this.. I dont know. 1 year later. Im back in the same position, but this case, fire is to my feet and I need. Not want.. NEED to get into law school...

Hey Legalboxers:

She is using you.  You can't fix her, save her or be responsible for her.

 
Another way to look at it is "what are/will you let her do to you?".  She is counterproductive to your goals. Best to set boundaries & enforce them.  Nice doesn't need to mean you let people step on you and take advantage.

No, legalboxers, it doesn't seem you did. Don't be too harsh on yourself, I too have gone back many times to an exploitative relationship until I sorted out whatever it was I was needing to do emotionally (grew up).
But you don't have to do it all at once. For this year, you have a choice: this woman or law school? Your choice

Only way I can explain. I never smiled as a kid. I use to trek into places she lived when I as a young boy. Small stupid visits like to Woolworth (Menlo Park Mall - NJ) and cookie factory there. My usual food was a slice of pizza from woolworth and a cold pepsi. Then cookie factory... You also had Woodbridge Mall NJ... use to go to Cinnabon... You also had a Pathmark here... and a Bradlees.. The most stupidest thing.. My memories kept me smiling.. When I felt life was punching me, beating me.. I use to run to a place in my mind.. where I felt safe.. I dont even have that

I want my happiness.. I want my sanity. I dont want to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and in tears (deep secret, I keep a bear next to my side table to watch over me.). I dont want to keep clutching it and sobbing to myself...

legalboxers, dear, you know the answer to that one. You choose to pick up the phone or not. You choose your future.
It sounds messy beyond belief anyway. Please tell us more? From what you are saying I am baffled as to why you would seek it even without exams. Maybe I don't fully understand ?

Let the tears come out. They are cleansing. There is no shame in the sorrow of an honest man.

Your bear sounds cute. He is nice and supportive. We are too. If you will let us :)

Create a new safe place in your mind. There are ways to achieve that with mindfulness and meditation.

Quit looking behind you at the past - Look ahead at the future.  You are responsible for your own happiness. The only person you can fix is yourself.  Your Ex can't keep walking all over you without your help.

If you want to be a lawyer, you can practice self-discipline and achieve that.  If you want to waste your life, thinking you can fix your ex, then you can choose to waste your life. You can keep being a people pleaser without boundaries. 

Perhaps some counseling would be helpful. 

"A disciplined mind leads to happiness.  An undisciplined mind leads to suffering."     Dalai Lama

"Everyone must choose one of two pains: The pain of dicipline or the pain of regret."    Jim Rohn

Im using studying as a distraction. And the bears name is Polar. I had him since 1999. An ex gf gave him to me but I dont associate her with it. Its my "emotionally support bear". And yes everyone here is supportive! *HUGS*

Thank you.. but when all else fails..

Dear legalboxers, thank you for checking in  :) I was wondering. Excellent approach! If the painful energy of your wounded heart goes into your studies you will ace exams for sure.

Here's one for you and one for Polar
 :hug: :hug: 

We both thank you :) She called me...again.. last night from my deep sleep. She keeps on rehashing everything. Messed up part is, she and I loved watching 90 day fiancee. So I had a nightmare where many of the cast showed up at the wedding :(

legalboxers, honey,  it will get better with time. Switch your phone off at night and get some sleep. You are holding down a busy job during the day and studying all evening. You need you right now. Everything will be better in the morning if you sleep.

 :hug:

oops sorry one hug short  :) :hug: :hug:

 A long time ago a colleague told me:

Life is a series of lessons.  If you do not learn that lesson the first time, dont worry, you will get it again...

Can not tell you how many times I have repeated that to myself.  And every now and then, I learn.  But some lessons are easier than others.

 :hug:

sorry for the delay. Her mom's death anniversary is on the 25, should I be nice and supportive or ignore her since shes being nasty to me

So LB...what do you think you should do? How do you feel? It does not matter what I think or feel or what anyone else on this forum thinks or feels. It is your decision. What you do is up to you and you do not have to justify what you choose to do to anyone. Now having said that...go about your own business. Your life matters more. Period. Do you. You don't have to be nasty. Remember...weak people seek revenge, strong people forgive, but smart people ignore and move on. So do yourself the service of focusing on you.

Cheers and best wishes!

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Your post title was about whether you learned your lesson or not.   This implies you have some sense of what level of engagement you feel is best for you

There can be a push pull cycle and it’s easy to be reasonable and let someone back in during a pull.  Even knowing it might blow up and push away again

Likely you want to have a sense of being reasonable.  Kind supportive person.  You may get nothing in return (or worse).  And that can be ok if it a choice you consciously make and not expecting reciprocity. 

At the higher level the push pull could be tiring.  Or the more difficult pieces of the relationship might be more than the positives you get from it. 

Many do better with a more deliberate decision.  In or out. Then act consistent to that. It can be a very hard choice

I dont know what to feel.  I come here so people of this forum could offer me a form of guidance. I guess Im strong. and I move on, but she's like the unpaid parking ticket in the back of your head which you know you paid for

The 1 year of her moms death is on the 25th. I think after that, I can walk away. I need to erase my  mind

LOL. Ok I have to give you a #bropound on that one. I like the humor. This is a good sign for you actually. Never lose that. If you can make light of things it makes it a lot easier to heal and to truly grow and move on. I think you have the capability to be quite strong. Your wit and humor tell me you are quite intelligent so use that intelligence to your advantage. Emotions can be ball and chain only if you allow them to be. Bottom line is...hold your head up. Value yourself more. Define your own self worth and never allow anyone else to dictate that for you but you yourself! Something else I would like to add on here to something Yeeter mentioned in a previous post that ties in here...there is a lesson of Karma in here for you. Most people get the idea of Karma wrong...it doesn't mean if you screw someone over it will come back to haunt you. Actually Karma is like a series of repeating patterns...you keep getting the same situations and results until you finally learn your lesson from those situations and patterns. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain and heartache to learn those lessons, but you have to have the fortitude to learn them so you can become the person you are supposed to be.

Cheers and best wishes to you LB!

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Thats all I can call it. Its like a car accident you cant turn your head away from (I was a volly police officer for 15 yrs..you couldnt turn away, and now Im out of that line of work, I still cant turn). I think I did all I could. She interpreted my friends who called me for help as 'problems' when they were just phone calls and no more. She equated it to what she was dealing with since she was separated from her man who texted a "Wrong number" on the day she got engaged, how her man messed her up when her grandmother died, and threw me in that mix when her mom died, which will be a year on the 25th.

She contacted me a few days ago, she claimed she seen me pass her house. In actuality I did, I was helping my friend find a house/apt in the area. So was like "Oh was she a female", :( Im in the back of my mind "why do you care". So I was like no it was a male, and the realtor was clueless and I could of done a better job (Im a landlord/tenant paralegal by trade. Been a paralegal for 20 yrs). She was like "Oh dont move here I dont want any problems. One, how would she know even if I did move there. Would she see me.. Maybe on in a billion if Im taking my aged mom out (who is 85) other than that she wouldnt see me.

I laugh because she plays the victim the whole time with all this. I know you loved your mom and your grandmother. I get it. She tells me "no man on earth will love me like my mom and grandmother ever did". Well theres a difference between motherly and grandmotherly instinct and love opposed to your mate.  But when you go on and on like a broken record and say "I told you not to do XYZ and you do it.." and you scold them like a parent. Thats not cool.

She would be the 2nd intense relationship I had in what would be 20 yrs. My 1st was in 2002, met her in Yahoo chat back in the day when my father was dying (he died in 2002) and I was in the last throws of college, and getting crap from my professors why Im still here and doing what I need to do (I drove my mom back and forth for 120 days to the hospital until late night and I was up early morning to goto school)  Got my degree though.. Flash forward to now and Im getting drama from a bunch of people who think that people like me (sidebar - Im not white) dont belong to get ahead. So in essence. Within the gap of 20 years. I got my degree and I got crap, and now Im trying to get into law school, and Im still getting crap.

Some days I feel like Im in "Groundhog Day" with her. ½ the time I seen her I did not know what to expect. I had to drive to see her, plus tolls. I didnt have much money and I took care of my mom. Her house had 4 fur babies which took over the house and I was confined to her  3x4 room. I dont do that and cant. I spent money on hotel stays (which she complained about, even though she spent time there too), and food. It was a horror show. I was her food delivery person as well. One time her power went out in her house and I had to help her. With this pandemic I told the eletrician shes an 'essential worker' to dispatch people to fix registers at Target and Walgreens (which she did) I shelled out $400.00 to help. Overall I spent about $4000 (I loaned her $2,000 on Thanksgiving, $500 as well to fix her yard) and says I never answer the phone. Well the time you only called 1x I was in the bathroom and I dont take my phone in there because it the only place I get peace)... But I digress..

 red-flag <-x10000000 with everything. Im not asking for perfect.. just some sort of normal.This Pandemic didnt help much as well. So :(

legalboxers, I'm not white either  lol you are a good man. Your sense of decency prompts you to support her through the grieving. 
I don't understand why you do it for so little in return, though I have done the same myself. Can you at least set a boundary that allows you to sleep at night? You have achieved a lot in your life. I cannot imagine you did so without sleeping.  I suppose she  would not be amenable to grieving between 7pm and 9 pm?


 :hug: :hug:

So LB, so a quick hijack sidebar. Since we are in self disclosure mode...yeah I am just a boring White dude. Nothing flashy. But, it wouldn't make a difference if I were rainbow colored...I'd still be 110% ME. So in saying that...bro, you could be a smurf for all I care.You can be purple, pink, black, white, brown, yellow, or pick a color...seriously screw all that judgmental crap out there because it has zero to do with who you are as a person. Good people are good people. Period! The color of your skin, your background, etc has jack sh*t to do with whether or not you deserve to get ahead. I just had to say that. Truth be told who gives a rat's @$$ what anyone else thinks. You put in the work. You achieve what you can. You get one life and you are making the most of your opportunities. Continue to do so and let no one ever look down upon you. You work hard and you deserve it because you earn it. I say damn good job achieving what you have based on its own merits. Do You amigo. Nuff said to that end!

An important thing though man...you are enabling her sh*t behavior. You are for all intents and purposes a nice guy. What sucks is that it makes you a target for crappy people...disordered and not just the same. Perhaps the most important thing I can say here...Being respected is always more important than being liked. You my friend are having your good nature taken advantage of. You are being massively disrespected. To me it makes it easy to pull the plug and tell her to go kick rocks!

Also you are trying to make sense with someone whom is nonsensical and disordered. When you look at it through that lens it should be easier to see that all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. You sir are dynamic. Meaning you can grow and change. She is static and will remain trapped in the same patterns. Is there hope that she could change...sure. Not your responsibility though. She has to want to change. She has to want to do better. She has to suck it up and realize she has a problem. No more captain save a gardening tool for you. Value yourself. Value your time. Allow better people to find you and quit giving the time of day to people who drag you down.

Cheers and Best Wishes LB!

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Legal,

You are being used and catering to her disorder. You mentioned a work husband, while at the moment you are the "when no one else is available" husband.

I appreciate the advice above, but I don't agree with "do with what your heart tells you". That is precisely what keeps you stuck in this cycle.

Every human is different, but the typical BPD / non Narc relationship seems to be based on trying to erase childhood wounds or catering to toxic childhood familiarity.

In your case, I agree you are a good person, but you lack sense of self worth that I can only imagine links to your childhood. You are a helper who doesn't think his needs matter. None of this is critical of you, but it is why you are so easily manipulated by a disorder (so was I, so were most of us here) that is only designed to take. I may be projecting, slightly, but you seem to have been raised with the belief that if you just give more of yourself, eventually someone will notice and care about your needs and give you the love you deserve. That's not how BPD works, but it is what makes you the perfect target.

You have the same choice now that you had when I first came across your posts. You can either be a willing participant in your own abuse - clinging to a false hope that she truly does love you and will see your point of view and care about your needs - and continue to be there for her for this traumatic life event of hers, and the next, and the next, and the next. Or you can cut her off and move on with your life, allowing yourself to mourn, heal, grow and meet someone more worthy of your love.

For insight - with my ex's previous bf, she needed him for the death of a grandma. For me, the death of a horse. All the bad behaviour was blamed on these events, also. Sadly, it appears to be the MO of a BPD. You can't (perhaps shouldn't) tell yourself "I'll just do this last thing" because that's not how their manipulation works. There. Will. Always. Be. Drama. For. You. To. Take. Care. Of.

As always, the choice is yours. But don't expect to do the same thing for different results...and, to be fair, you have been blessed with a gift that many of us didn't receive - you have the power to end it. You can leave with your head up high, rather than being completely replaced and ghosted as if you mean absolutely nothing. You have the gift of autonomy!

Much love, my friend. Hope something above helps. If not, cast it away

Im constantly grieving, I dont know why. She hasnt contact me since so I dont know

At my age, I always bent backwards for people. I did so much in life and got back so little. At least help someone out who made sure you were "protected" at your rallys and functions you did. All I asked for was a piece of paper, acknowledging my hard work (Im trying to get into law school). But you spit on me? Come on now. Apparently even during this pandemic since you been basically doing nothing, you could of helped someone.

You make a lot of sense. I told her she is the type of person who would beat a dead horse, bury it, the bring it back and beat up the bones, and bury it again, come back and beat up the "dust" of the bones, and beat it up again..

Yes, but that is besides the point. This isn't about her. It's about you.

Trust me, I know what it's like to read something, believe it, but then make zero changes to my own mindset and not really know why.

I tell you what helps. Go find a dark room and sit with yourself. Ask yourself why you're sticking around. I can almost guarantee that the answer is that you want her to substantiate that you are actually worthy of being loved. That you are good.

It. Will. Never. Happen! There is no fairytale ending with a borderline where you sail off together happily ever after. Hanging onto that hope is what extends the abuse.

Time to start looking after you, Legal.

funny you say dark room. I dont keep any lights on in my room past 9:00pm. Only lights which can be seen is my router lights. Sorry for the delay in replying to you and everyone else. I put notifications on as Im studying and doing stuff around the house.

Legal...I will say this and it is not meant as criticism...but you need to be a bit tougher on self in terms of discipline...think back to how tough she was on you over time...sometimes it is ok to shut feelings down for yourself...caring TOO much is a dangerous thing for us...focus on law school and the future...these BPD folks count on your problems to get away with what they do...remember your basics before you met her...basics are important...all the best...

Everyone here who has been replying to me, is my new "extended" family. I dont have this much backing and support as my so-called friends in real life or whom I know on a daily basis.

To me the only way I can summarize it is from an old Bob Segar (RIP) song.. "And I found myself alone Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends".. People online like you folks are the only positive influence.

Legal...I found that as well...and sometimes that is good...the old forest from the trees stuff...sometimes family and close friends are too involved...too opinionated (they mean well mostly)...but strangers and a place like this can help...everyone here means well and altho they dont know you personally have your best interests in mind...but yes, legal...what you write about the phone stuff...you need to remember this: she is there for herself and her needs...not yours...not yours in ANY sense my friend...this is what these folks do...that isnt a relationship ...or not a healthy one...a true BPD will drain you of all and then move on to the next...it's prolly why everyone loves vampire and zombie series at heart when they are so bad really...it's a basic...

She woke me up the other day from the dead of sleep. Saying she found someone (this was the same story the time she told me "someone fell in her lap" and the guy after that. She has gone through 3 different people after me. I put her in her place and told her - Shes holding grudges and chips as big as her head, and one day she will be as empty and alone with the fur kids (who I miss, sadly, 2 of them always came to see me as soon as I visited her. They would slow blink me so I think they knew I was good peeps). She will get it eventually.. Im still struggling on what to do next Thursday. She got mad at me because I could not see her on her birthday since the roads by me were closed since we had a bad storm and possible tornado, but she's like "oh it cleared up later".. Yes well and good but how can I go past a road which has power wires and trees down. If I had my old truck yes. I cant with this car.

The pandemic exposed quite a bit about people as a whole. The divided politics, etc. People suck. I look at it like this...you can't fix stupid so if someone doesn't want to grow and be a part of the solution I will not waste my time or effort on you. You tell those people to kick rocks! Why? In fairy tale land everyone can get along in perfect harmony and we have enough time to help everyone. In the real world time is finite and precious...you reserve it for people who matter. You only get one life so you can't take the risk of pissing it away on crappy people who do not deserve your time and attention.

So I understand you quite well LB. You are definitely a nice guy and have many amazing traits as a person. However, it gears towards you giving too much of yourself away. Find that balance. You gotta be a bit more selfish and put yourself first. Despite how society tries to water everything down and tries to neuter people...confrontation is a good thing and it is necessary. It all depends on how you go about it. For you...you need to be willing to have more confrontations and call people out on their sh*t and say hey I am not putting up with your crap. You will respect me or see yourself out the door and hit the bricks.

Also homie...I totally understand busting your @$$ to achieve greatness, but you do not need a piece of paper to acknowledge your work. No...you put in the work. Sure its nice, but the beauty is in the process, not the end result. Have that confidence of knowing yeah I am kind of a big deal...I kick @$$!

Furthermore, ok you are bringing up your age (age is a number my friend and we are not far apart...we are in the same wheelhouse)...well then, how about from today forward you start focusing on creating Act II. The person you were up to now was Act I. Time to be a phoenix and rise from the ashes and have a rebirth. Seriously. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Hang in there my friend. Keep your head up and focus on you and you alone. Be kind to yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

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lol. True but I do need a nice shiny piece of paper to validate me so I can use that to get into law school (letters of rec - even for grad school) you like others make alot of sense to me. Its for me to actually apply what your telling me (Im a Sag - Im hard headed)..lol

This: "In fairy tale land everyone can get along in perfect harmony and we have enough time to help everyone. In the real world time is finite and precious..."


and also...their intentions are not the same as ours...there is no transparency such as that...goodness to others does not mathematically equate to returned goodness...this happens with pets...not people...co dependents like us need to learn this lesson...

Its a bitter pill to swallow..but we need to learn this lesson

yes we do Legal...it is a hard one...but a destruction of the fantasies we have via love...and can only be good in the end...

I dont have much of fantasies or expectations. I just want someone who will be there for me as I am with them, but with the caveat I take care of an aged parent..

"I just want someone who will be there for me as I am with them..."


that IS the fantasy with a BDP...get over...it will not happen...it will be endless emotional slavery...

Legal, you just confirmed exactly what I thought about you, haha.

It's not a criticism of your character. But you are wasting your time on here atm. I perceive you to be reading everything, but not allowing it to sink in or be willing to change your hard headedness towards how you're handling the situation - which is basically what you said.

You have the information. You don't need anymore. You seem to be at the crossroads.

Path A - continue to give yourself as a willing sacrifice to this woman in hope that one day she will declare her love for you and validate your self worth. This is extremely unlikely, and personally I'd bet it's 100% not going to happen

Path B - listen to what you already know to be true but don't want to accept, cut her off, and begin to emotionally detach and heal.

We can speak about Borderline Personality Disorder and analyse every single thing these people do and say in hope of finding an answer that fulfills us (seldom does), but truth be told, many of us suffered way longer than necessary because of the choices that WE made. At some point, it's no longer about the scorpion, but about the frog.

good post Grumpy!

sadly your right

Im trying to choose the path of least resistance, and take what I learned. And moved on. But I dont want to walk away from my BPD FAMILY. You folks got me back on my feet and gave me some clarity on everything, even on my bad days which I deal with an go through.

Don't have to walk away from the forums, my friend. Just don't want you to make the mistakes that many of us here have made with our BPD exes.

There is a lot of wisdom here, and a lot of it came from plenty of pain and suffering!

and we all lean on each other in times of sorrow and pain, and also good things

legal..yes, you have to give up...this is the whole thing about BDP...

you need to stress yourself...all these ideas via this one...and listen if you want to recover...

but that is up to you...lots of us have been there...they fake their intentions all the time..every moment...you need to decide whether you want to as well via own life...otherwise, go on...

either that or you want to keep kidding self about her...that is your choice...but this is entirely up to you bud...

erasing her out of my mind...slowly

slowly is dangerous...do fast...grow up actually via this...this is your call...done here...

what I mean Legal is be done...this is entirely up to you...floating and hoping is dangerous for some...like anything some of this stuff just comes down to decisions we don't want to make...but need to...perhaps that is you? perhaps not...it's really up to you and what you want in the end...

As I posted in here. She blames me because I wasnt there when she cremated her mother. I was at home washing dishes (my usual chores) and fighting with my 1st ex from 2002-2010, Then I had my friend who was an EMT who was dealing with her own battles and looking for someone to talk to (she was texting me and calling me 15x - her "male" friends called her a side piece, then my friend who was dying from Stage 4 breast cancer.. Shes like "I had limited time with you". I was with her for 2 days. Those text msgs took more than 5 mins. maybe less. and she was like "They took time away from her". I dont see how a text message, impacted a 24-48 hour time frame when I did almost everything.

I know as you said you cant rationalize this, and I dont think I can anymore. all is left for me is to move on.

LB...you suffered nothing but emotional blackmail, manipulation, and abuse. No more. Never Again. Remember how you feel and how you felt. Being nice is a big part of who you are, but quit being too damn nice. It is ok to check someone and say hey enough is enough. You have to adopt the mindset of don't like what I have to say...tough sh*t. Now an important thing here...you will be thinking man that makes you sound like an A-Hole. No...if you are consistent and you assert yourself people will respect you and understand you need to be valued and respected and that your kindness is not a weakness and something that should not be taken for granted. Lead and others will follow. If you want a good partner who appreciates you, respects you and reciprocates you need to learn the lesson of truly loving and respecting yourself.

I have worked with many people on this. This is where I will reiterate...come from a place of power and think abundance and not from a place of weakness and think scarcity. Quit treating this person like they were and are something special. You kidding me? What the hell is so special?

Honestly, you are really someone I want to see grow and really kick @$$. Mostly because this world needs more good people like you. But, you are still preventing yourself from reaching your potential because you are allowing others to dictate your life. Do You. Remember that. Sometimes the good guys just need an @$$hole friend (only an a-hole in the sense I won't put up with weakness and someone's BS) like me to push them...I hope you are taking this in. I do give a sh*t. Good friends don't let each other slip. You get after one another and keep pulling each other up and pushing each other further and when you don't want to or feel you can then you light a fire under their @$$ and give them a swift kick to get going. Its go time homie. Enough dealing with the weakness. Time to move on and become a better version of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

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great post Sinister...I think we have learned that to stand up for ourselves means we are a-holes...this comes from our own pasts...nothing could be further from the truth...it's simply a language WE learned in the past...our own pasts and ways to cope...like all self moral things, it's a touchy area...lots of folks who always put self first are aholes...but we are not that if it is done with best intentions...perhaps the better way to put it is we need to take care of ourselves firstly...and then have things to really give...

I said it over on my update...but our biggest problem is empathy...too much empathy is self destructive...we confuse that with loving ourselves first and the rest follows...loving oneself and protecting isn't narcissism in the classic diagnostic bad sense...it's being whole...

Hes getting there... slowly...

we write our own destiny I believe. But at what stage do we say we need a new chapter

:hug: hugs!

Dear Legal, on these boards we have seen everything. People have lost their houses,  their health, their sanity, their jobs, their children, their relatives, ended up in courts accused of Heaven knows what, landed themselves with debt which would take years to pay off, given up their friends and families and moved far away only to end up abused with nowhere to go. This is not to say we have not seen positive things as well, there has been plenty of positive, not least the solidarity we show one another. Please understand when people advise you it is not coming out of the blue. I sympathize with your desire to hold out, it is now only a few days to the anniversary. But as soon as you are able, please take some thought for yourself! You have lost enough to BPD. Don't hand over your future as well.

You can post as long as you like. I look forward to seeing you welcome newbies to the board one day :) My ambition is to reach 5000 posts, like some of the Distinguished Members around here.  There is a satisfaction in seeing people come right that never fades, and makes meaning of the suffering we have gone through.
 :hug: :hug:

That is pretty simple actually, but hard for many people to learn. Look at it like a risk taking gambler. You have to understand what the floor is, upside, and ceiling is. When someone or something is all floor and there is no plausible upside then slam the chapter shut and begin anew. There has be to upside...that is the most important part. When there is upside there is an adventure in finding the ceiling. When there is nothing but floor there is zero return on investment. Just food for thought for you.

Cheers and best wishes!

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you are 10000% correct...

Im taking a page from Kenny Rodgers.. Know when to hold em.. know when to fold em.. know when to walk away.. know when to run...

:hug: dont think Id end up to 5000 posts.. Id be lucky to get to 500 lol.  cant stop and rest from the train wreck, june is fast approaching, I need to do my test...

LB, for all intents and purposes...I hope I don't see you on this board often moving forward. I mean that in a good way. I am on this board to help others because of my background, not for healing purposes...although this board was and is a great resource for that. Focus on what really matters and kick @$$ amigo!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

ok...

I guess one last thing I need to say about it is.. She said she has someone. told her I was happy. Between you me and the 4 walls, don't know for how long, not going to ask not going to care. I asked her if she wanted me to come by on the date of, again, didnt tell me. So Im gonna let it drop. Going to wish her a happy birthday on the day, and that's it. Wipe my hands clean of it and move on.

This will take work and will not come quickly.  So DO continue to post here.  Listen to the advice.  Accept the support that is so generously offered.

Recovery is a process, and is different for everyone.  Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself during the process.

A friend of mine would ask me "Are you doing better this week than you were last week?".  Then it was "Are your doing better this month than you were last month?  And recently "Are you doing better now than you were a year ago at this time?"

That macro level check-in was helpful to me to pull me out of the moment and consider the bigger picture/trend.

So check in weekly and just share how it is going for you this week vs last week.  Then after a while, give us a monthly checkin. 

And of course just check in and post any time you feel like you need some support and guidance.  Sometimes just hanging out around others that have some understanding of the dynamics can be helpful.  Even if just talking about the weather...

 :hug:

:hug: thats all I can do... right?

On tough days, I just focus on what I can do to move myself forward. The harder it is, the more reluctant I get to spend any more energy on BPD. You get to move forward. She only will do that in therapy with plenty of hard work. Don't let her hold you back, LB. Don't give away your power like that.
 :hug:

what if power is forcefully taken