BPDFamily.com

Hello all.  I am new to posting, but not to reading the threads and definitely not to BPD.  I'm very thankful to find these threads since I often feel alone in my pain over my son.

In my case, I am dealing with a 27 year old young man that has simply ripped our lives apart.  He was diagnosed a few years ago with BPD.  He also has the diagnosis of Asperger's and bipolar.

One of the added components to him having BPD is his history of addiction.  He has been in and out of hospitals, rehabs, and sober living homes.  There have been countless incidents of him harming himself, one very traumatic incident of him taking a huge knife to his arm and cutting open an artery in front of me.  He had downed a bottle of vodka that he had stolen from a friend's house, unbeknownst to me.  This happened a few years ago when he was still living with us.

Threats of suicide and acts of self harm are still common with him, especially when he becomes upset with anything we say to him on the phone.  I have reached the point of telling him that should he tell me he is going to harm himself, I will call 911.  He always drops the idea when I say that.   He has never been able to stabilize more than a few months without a serious incident with drugs, alcohol, and aggressive moods.  He has very few friends since he will self harm in front of them when he feels the least bit criticized or rejected.  He cannot hold down a job and is on disability.  He lives in and out of different community houses, never being able to get along with others for more than a few months at the most.

His stepfather and I have always been incredibly supportive of him, being there emotionally, and involved with his care (which has been a huge challenge).  We are his designated payees for his social security funds to pay his rent and things he needs.  This is probably the biggest ongoing battle since he constantly fights and curses us out with wanting money for other things.  His monthly funds are very limited and we know he would use that money for things that it's not meant for.  We legally cannot just let him handle his own money since that was the conditions of him getting disability in the first place.  He would need to prove he can handle his own funds, which would be fine with us.  We just want peace.

I must say that my son grew up in a loving home with two parents that loved him to pieces.  He was diagnosed with high functioning autism as a youngster, but other than frustrating easily, he was bright and had a lot of friends.  But sometime around puberty, he began to experiment with drugs.  He found common household items like cough syrup to get intoxicated on.  He would steal alcohol and pills from the homes of his friends to get high or drunk.   He changed drastically and the real nightmare began. He really began to express his self hatred and the accusations that everyone else hated him too. 

 I cannot even express how many therapists, doctors, and treatment facilities he has been through in his young life.  He's been on countless medications, none seemingly to work for very long.

Countless times we talked this young man off the ledge so to speak, with him always threatening self harm, suicide, or relapse.  These threats have worked well for him in keeping us from really saying enough is enough.

Even as an adult living outside our home, he will call several times a day, screaming about who has pissed him off or what situation he has gotten himself into that we need to fix.  The phone calling is so excessive at times, we are forced to block him until he cools down.  My husband works long hours here at home, yet my son thinks nothing of calling him to rant if my phone is blocked.

He completely accepts he has BPD (a diagnosis that came a few years ago), but when he rages, he still sees all his problems as being someone else's fault.  His moods and actions have only gotten more aggressive as we been putting down boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  In many ways, he is a child in a man's body, throwing tantrums when even the simplest things do not go his way.

He's extremely bright though and could read at a college level as a young child.  But because he cannot regulate his moods, he cannot work a job or commit to taking courses at a nearby college.

I always held out hope that he would get better with us educating ourselves on handling BPD and understanding his torment.  It's truly sad because he has little desire to better his life, feeling like it's all not worth it.

We are at a complete loss at this point.  His verbal and emotional abuse have taken a toll.  I personally have sought therapy myself to keep myself from falling apart. 

Just today, we called Social Security to find out about getting a state appointed payee since we know we can't cut ties as long as we are responsible for overseeing his monthly payment.  Yes...this is what this nightmare has come to.  We simply cannot go on feeling like his hostage.

Has anyone here had to make the break from their own adult child to save their sanity?  I know there is a lot I haven't explained how bad it is, but I can only say that his illness is killing me after years and years of it.

I will always keep a door open, should he want to take responsibility for himself, but I am at the end of my rope right now. 

Of course I live with the knowledge he could really act on his threats of suicide.  It's simply something that eats at me day in and day out. 

Thank-you all for sharing your stories.  I know it hasn't been easy for any of us.

This is a good place to come when you feel alone - as we all do, trying to deal with a loved one with this really dreadful illness. I am sure there are many, many more details of the journey you have been on, the rollercoaster ride as you have tried to support and nurture your son over many year. I can hear the tiredness in you post, and I know what that feels like.

I live with the thought of wanting to step away from the situation - it keeps popping up and I long for a taste of life without the chaos. One thing that keeps me involved is a child and I couldn't step away from her care.

Yes I think there are times when it is okay to step away. When your health is being badly affected, when you feel you are in danger - physically or mentally. We all have just one chance at life. When we are gone someone else will have to take up the challenge of supporting our loved ones.

It is hard to live with the thought that you might lose him, but when you have done all that you can possibly do - this is out of your hands.

Just at this moment, I am wondering whether finding a way not to be in charge of his money might make a difference to how he relates to you. Where I live a person can be under a Guardianship order and the Guardianship Board looks after all their finances - pays rent, bills etc. A friend of mine with schizophrenia has a Guardianship order and it works really well for him. I am sure there would be something similar where you are - particularly since it was a requirement that someone else be responsible for his finances.

So thinking about how I would deal with your situation - I would work to get the money handled by someone else first step. I think this would mean your son would be angry about this but it is a big step in moving back from involvement.

After a period of time if he is still ringing etc, perhaps another step in the withdrawal process. In other words, I think it is quite okay to withdraw but if possible (it may not be so) try to do it in a step by step way.

I am sure there are others here who have been through this and can help more than I can - but you are in my thoughts during this very difficult time.

"Just at this moment, I am wondering whether finding a way not to be in charge of his money might make a difference to how he relates to you. Where I live a person can be under a Guardianship order and the Guardianship Board looks after all their finances - pays rent, bills etc. A friend of mine with schizophrenia has a Guardianship order and it works really well for him. I am sure there would be something similar where you are - particularly since it was a requirement that someone else be responsible for his finances."

Thank-you Sancho for taking the time to read my story and for giving me feedback.  I know he won't like it one bit since a neutral party will not tolerate his incessant calling.  But I did tell him that we are making the move and that there was no longer room to debate it. 

It may just be the change we all need.  If we are no longer handling his money, he would lose a lot of his reasons for blowing up our phone and maybe, just maybe, we could begin to regain our lives again.

On another note, I just got the kindle version of "Walking On Eggshells", a great book I read years ago.  I figure it's time to re-read what is in there and continue reading and participating in posts here. 

Thank-you once again.  Sometimes just hearing real life feedback is all someone needs.

Yes -he certainly won't like it, but it might make a big difference. Glad you are rereading WoE.

Step by step . . . . .