BPDFamily.com

First, thanks for having me and I played my part with anxious attachment style along with co-dependency for which I am being treated with the first ending in divorce and this last one sending me into deep diving mode to understand; which I am addressing.  Neither are diagnosed with bpd and the second I believe is manipulating or omitting facts with her therapist or me.  Symptoms on checklist in Walking on Eggshells was cause for 'great concern'.
1. Intense beginning during idealization phase, quickly 'fell in love'.  Devaluation started immediately after and attempted to set boundries after an initial text 'break up' from her>recycled, reconciled. She met my parents as well as her son.
2. 'Guy friend' swirling around as she describes 'intellectually compatible' opposed to me; there to 'fix' her problems.
3. Terminated unwanted pregancy.
4. She 'broke up' via text again upon her parents visit to town, to which I was not invited and spent the weekend with friends.  She broke up because 'I went missing' even though I told her of my plans. I chose not to reconcile at that point and she sent me a picture of a faint line for positive pregnancy test. She showed up on my doorstep to reconcile while I was down with the flu; could not deal and asked to be kept in loop with doctor visits. She allegedly terminated pregnancy while on vacation in AK; I never saw any documents verifying.
5. I reached out to reconcile and started back up an intense sexual relationship. During our break she vacationed with replacement, claimed no physical intimacy.
6. She officially stepped out emotionally and lied about it.
7. She abruptly quit her job and broke up with me>no contact for a month.
8. We re-connected for sex and that's when I found out my replacement was footing 100% of her bills. She claimed it was out of desperation and didn't want to ask help from her parents so 'he offered a solution' to change her trajectory with no sex involved according to her.
9. We re-cycled for sex several times over apx. 6 months with her claims that her situation was temporary and replacement was gettting 'PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) end of stick'. I recycled to rescue, act out vengeance against replacement, hold out hope for 'soul mate' etc. She emotionally abused me by saying she was suicidal and the replacement saved her from acting on that and provided opportunity for therapy, even though I pushed her through the door.
10. Upon her return, she discontinued sexual relationship and claimed she was not having sex with replacement but continued virtual sex with me; along with hiking dates. This is when the lies ramped up and I knew she was truly involved with replacement on every level. She again expressed thoughts of self harm with no plan. I convinced her to get a psych. evaluation where she started Lamictal and began talk therapy along with brainspotting.
11. Several no contact attempts which we both sabotaged. I got tired of lies and bs and asked for unconditional no contact despite her professing her love and asking to leave the door open. This is when she claimed her therapist diagnosed with complex trauma. (My therapist helped me set the firm no contact boundry). I now have her blocked on two numbers after her claims my detachment was 'full of hate'.

This drove me nearly insane and I found myself taking on salt in my unhealed wounds and began feeling pain as she would.  I went through an excruciating bargaining phase, which I emotionally am still fighting. Please help, will provide more info. with questions...

Sorry your going through this, I know its hard to hear but your best option is block her everywhere. No contact so you can heal, she is using you and its hurting you, remove her from your life and stop letting her do this to you.
You deserve better, everytime you go back its going to get worse. She is incapable of loving anyone and continuing this is only going to hurt you.

Save yourself from the madness

Hey Vit. C, Let me ask you a question: why are you putting yourself through this?  Presumably there's something more than sex that keeps you hangin' on.  Can you identify what it is?  If so, it might help you to determine the right path for you.

LuckyJim

I'm coming out of the FOG and realizing the tearful emotional pleas are not because expwBPD cares about my well being but to relieve her pain, guilt and keep me as a backup to keep her supply. It's hard but I am feeling much better about closing the door completely.

Good question, some of it I can explain such as being head over heels in love going into cycling phase and hanging on to memories of the 'good times.'  expwBPD is very easy on the eyes, highly intelligent & funny; professionally accomplished(until crisis), extremely endearing/charismatic.  I viewed her objectively and subjectively as a good match. Once the FOG began and I bought into her victim status I became afraid to lose her love and so you're right, it wasn't just about fufilling sexual needs; I had hope of winning her back and just like a tar baby the more I swung to fix the problem, the more I became stuck.  The sex was just a medium to perpetuate our maladaptive 'ideas' of love.  Some of the attachment I can't explain and is somewhat of an enigma to me; but from what I understand so far, is quite common.

Hey Vit. C, Yes, it's baffling.  A worthwhile inquiry is why you got in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  OK, you describe her as quite attractive, but usually there is something else going on, on a deeper level.  Hint: often it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?

LJ

Yes LJ,

Her trauma was emotional/physical abuse with intermittent re-enforcement from her parents.  She has described her father as NPD and they way my ex describes her mother, some of the behavior lends me to think she may be BPD.

My background are parents with co-dependency with my father GAD/OCD, alcohol problems. My mother developed eating disorders and was co-dependent with my father.  My father always tried to fix everyones problems except his own.  There was a lot of religious indoctrination from my mother.  They both used corporal punishment and practiced very strict upbringing with intermittent re-enforcement.  This may explain my anxious attachment style and co-dependency with propensity to rescue and try to fix.

Hey Vit. C, You nailed it!  No wonder you found yourself strongly attracted to your Ex.  Now you know what to work on.  Plus, once you are aware of your issues, you have an opportunity to change your behavior as you start to recognize the patterns.  For example, like you I am inclined to rescue.  Now I pause before I jump in and consider the options.  Usually I conclude that it's better to let things play out naturally, without trying to solve someone else's problems.  I have enough problems of my own to work on!   :)

LJ