BPDFamily.com

 :help:

Wow. I'm not even sure where to start.   Male. Married 15 years w/ kids.  I just found this group--and it is eye opening to say the least.    I really just lucked into finding this group...I read something online about a celebrity that was accused of emotional abuse.    I read the story and was just floored that all of the horrible things mentioned were pretty much daily life--the "norm" that I have somehow allowed to happen to me by my wife.  (Just saying that seems impossible to be real.)    

After some searching on emotional abuse, I found this forum.    Reading the posts,  they ALL HIT HOME.   I then found myself sitting back and thinking of how she frames EVERTHING as my fault and wonder--AM I the one with the problem?  In her mind,  I'm a bad person, she has been putting up with and she has to result to behaving these HORRIBLE WAYS because it's the only way to get across to me?... It's a never ending catch-22.  Bottom line is that it has to be one of us--as our relationship/marriage is more non-functional than functional...with really the kids holding things together.
 
We met with a priest probably 10 years ago, because she had said she was "done".    After that ran it's course..and things got a bit better, the priest confided in me in private that he felt she had mental problems.   He mentioned that when he first met us, he could easily tell by our joint body language the marriage had major problems. Slowly, over time I have pretty much leaned that eggshells is a better approach than trying to communicate my needs and/or boundaries.   But from her perspective, the way she is reacting to something that I don't like is because of something I DID in the past, or how  I HAVE mistreated her over the course our our entire marraige...She is the victim here. Always.   I have slowly just incorporated strategies to avoid conflict.   For example, I don't even bring up money/budget anymore...impossible for it to not end in a fight and silent treatment from her for several days--or worse.   I'd rather hide the fact that I got a bonus than share it with her and have it somehow turn it into a negative event...(that is crazy!).   I remember an "argument" 10 years ago when my parents set up 529 accounts for our kids college.    How could that be any sort of a bad thing?

The scary thing for me is that I have been treated this way for so long, it is normal everyday life.  Yesterday was a good example.   Our son had a school commitment with parents expected to attend at 7PM that night.   I was at work. She texted than called me frantically at 3PM about something my daughter needed for school and they could not find.   I helped out the best I could but didn't know where it was.    As expected, she let it be known that she probably won't be able to make it because of this "emergency".   This really wasn't that big of a deal. I told her that parents (mom and dad) were expected to be there..so it didn't even make sense to go if she wasn't coming.   Over the next several hours, I found myself dreading every noise from my phone anticipating a lengthy text from her telling me she wasn't going and going into detail on how much she had "to do"..and probably throw some jabs it at me and my job while she was at it.  Fortunately, she did not text.  On my drive home, I gave it a 50/50 shot that when I got there she would be in sweats saying.."I'm not going. You take him if you want."   This has happened SO MANY TIMES in the past.    She was working to get ready when I arrived, so that was good and we left on time.   As I was pulling out of the garage..she shouted Look out for the Mirror!  I was a good foot from the side of the garage with no shot at hitting it.  I said it's a foot away..why are you shouting?   She said its not a foot..it's like three inches.  It was at least a foot and there was no way I was going to hit it.    I just shut my mounth..no point in arguing. One the way there...no fewer than 5 times she told me I was in the wrong lane, or braking too late...?    At the school activity, the parents read something to their child..she told me I was reading Too Loud?   On the way home, there was a tire in the road, and I changed lanes to avoid it and she shouted What are you doing?   It's literally like she is watching my every move, ignoring anything good, and making it a point to point out ANYTYTHING She thinks is bad or wrong.   The extent of what she said to me that night was "Mirror!, Brakes!, Talk Too Loud!, What are you doing!"   I noticed other wives sitting next to their husband or holding his hand.  Just made me incredibly sad.

Man...i just realized that living like this sucks, but it is the way it is.  ZERO chance that I could bring up how much I hate this and expect any change...it would just set her off.   Is that normal?  Am I making this stuff up?   The really sad part is that we didn't have a major blow up fight, and she didn't end the day not giving me the silent treatment--so I considered the night a success.  

It pretty much sums it up that--not getting treated like crap is as good as it gets.  

Many will welcome you here soon.  Here in peer support we have a wide range of time-tested approaches and strategies to deal with just about any dilemmas that have arisen or will likely arise.  The collective wisdom of what usually works and what usually doesn't work is amazing.

While you haven't mentioned the ages of your children, I'm sure you know the children are being impacted by this discord and dysfunction.  You may not realize how much.  Even if most of the poor behaviors are hidden from the kids, as the saying goes, the walls have ears.

A lot of parents come here explaining, I'm trying to keep the family together for the kids.  But what really is best overall for the kids?  Something to ponder.


Just a disclaimer here... I am not recommending you get that book.  I bought it simply to locate and confirm that quote which had been attributed to it way back in 1986.

So it's okay for you to have a concern for your children's futures.  Will they know what a normal home life should be?  Calm, stable, trusting?  Will their 'comfort zone' be seeking out their own adult relationships that are relatively normal and not like the example of their parents?

It's not normal  :(

It's real.

You're describing a lot of things that people here go through daily. You could change the details but the gist is the same.

People with BPD trigger easily, experience intense emotions, and are slow to return to baseline.

It can feel to them like everything is a high stakes presentation to key stakeholders with a multi million deal on the line while everyone on the team is trying to get you fired, except it's over where the missing sock is.

You didn't cause it so you can't cure it.

The eggshells stuff can really take a toll after a while.

You deserve to take up a little more space than you currently are in the relationship. People here can walk with you and share some of the specific relationship and communication skills that can prevent things from getting worse.

Stay or not stay, it's good to make things less  bad  *)

Welcome to the forum, Buffalo! Finding this place has been VERY helpful for me, even if only to commiserate with the others here. You'll find that people here will actually understand what you're going through because we all go through it. Some situations are more extreme than others, but almost everybody here shares similar life themes.

 :hi: Welcome.  Have you read "Walking on Eggshells"?  It will confirm...not normal.  CoMo

I also recommending reading Walking on Eggshells. I actually found out about the book years ago when I first started learning about BPD...but could never actually find a way that I'd be able to get a hold of it and read it discreetly without my wife finding out and going ape s**t on me- so ironic.

Now that my wife and I are separated, I was able to pick it up at my local library and was able to read it away from her. It definitely provided some valuable insight about dealing with a BPD person in one's life.

Just to clarify, the book title is actually Stop Walking On Eggshells, authored by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.

Correct.  Sorry about getting it wrong.  Great book to help frame what you have been living with.  CoMo