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By the way, I have read “Stop walking on egg shells” but I’m still not sure how to. Here is a simple example that occurs every so often with us. I am self employed and I work six days a week. I understand that my BPD wife likes to have my full attention on my day off, and I also don’t like to be handling work issues that day. However, every so often, something happens like this: I picked up my phone today and accidentally saw a message which I would have left until tomorrow to read. I said, “Ohh?” in surprise, and explained to my wife: These piano students want an earlier lesson tomorrow, whereas I thought it would have to be later now they’re back at school after lockdown. I can’t remember if I can fit them in...” She didn’t really comment, but she does like me to finish earlier. So, a bit later, when I was near my diary, I said, “ooh, I’ll just have a look to see what’s happening tomorrow...” THE. DAY. WAS. RUINED.
I hate myself for being so stupid. And I still haven’t replied, even though they are customers, it would take ten seconds to confirm it, and they probably would have liked to know today.
Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated. My wife was diagnosed in 2013 but did some DBT and considers herself “recovered“. I understand she doesn’t want me working on a Sunday, and I don’t want to. Just occasionally I’m feeling relaxed for a moment and then realise.. “oh yes, forgot about the egg shells, what an idiot..”

Hey,

First up, try not to beat yourself up too much. We aren't robots, we can't remember every single trigger all the time. I accidentally set off at least one of my partner's triggers pretty much every second day, and I'm sure that's the same with most people on this forum. I find it helps to not focus on what happened but turn your attention towards moving forward.

In situations like the one you described, I find giving each other some space for a bit then coming back together and moving on works best for me. Obviously it isn't always that simple and everyone is different, but I hope this helps. Best of luck with everything!

Thanks for your support. After seven years, I have only just started standing up for myself (a tiny bit), and it is sometimes hard to find the balance between wanting to stand up for myself and wanting to keep the peace. I learnt years ago that arguing or standing up for “what I did was actually ok, any sane person would agree...” type responses, which would just escalate more and more. I now see that was the type of invalidation we should avoid. So I said a couple of things and then left it, I guess I did ok really. I think standing up for yourself is something you can do when you intend to do something “set limits”, rather than when you made a small mistake in judgement...

"not walking on eggshells" is a matter of acceptance.

its a matter of accepting that you love a difficult person.

its a matter of accepting that the tools and skills you can learn here with help you improve your relationship - that they can even do so dramatically - but that they will not make your loved one a less difficult person.

its a matter of accepting that you will struggle in this relationship, and that maintaining it means being the emotional leader, and that means making difficult but healthy choices, for the good of yourself, for the good of your partner, and for the good of your relationship.

your wife will blow up. its what a person who struggles to regulate their emotions does. youll get nowhere if you simply try to avoid it from happening. youll resent her. you wont live authentically, and she will resent you.

ideally, when trust is built, blow ups occur less often, but thats not a given. primarily, its a matter of coping in a healthy and constructive way when they do happen.

From what I took from books like the Walking on Eggshells one, the idea is not to carefully tip-toe around triggers. Now i am second guessing myself because the book title would sort of imply that you should do the opposite but..

You have a really sound thing going. You have validated what she wants. You have made it clear that it is what you want too, anyway. Something little like a confirmation text, or a thought out loud to scheduling, should not be reason for a whole ruined day. My SO has a tendency to knit-pick and find arguments out of nothing, and that is sort of what your situation sounds like. Don't let her response cause you to feel guilty. Maybe validate her feelings, let her know you didn't intend to hurt her, let her know that its not the sort of communication that will need to distract you for the whole day, but then move on. After you've acknowledged the hurt feelings and  made clear that the you don't intend to do anymore work related stuff that day, you are in the clear. Her behavior is on her. You are self-employed. Its hard to be 100% off work when you are self employed. She needs to realize that too, and appreciate the effort you are making to meet her needs and desires, while also trying to make a living for the both of you.

Its been my experience that when I tip-toe around to avoid triggering my SO, it makes him all the more likely to find something to lash out about. And my guilt for having "stepped on an eggshell" is something for him to hook onto and pound away at. When I am firm, concise, and clear about my intentions, about why it happened, and about why I will continue doing it in the future or will not continue doing it in the future, he is less likely to go on and on. And even if he does make a bad day of it, at least I don't get pulled down with him. I will often firmly ask him what he wants from me, here and now, if he is still upset. Something like "I understand I brought back some hurtful feelings with what I did, and I truly did not do it with the intention of hurting you. There is no reason to continue to be upset over something I did not intentionally do, and I really want to move past this to enjoy our time together today. Is there anything I can do right now that will make things right?". This is usually followed by nothing helpful from him, but then I feel as though I have done everything I am responsible for doing in that situation, and can continue on with my day knowing that how his day goes is up to him, not me. I have found that his moods are not dependent on anything I do, so its important for me to move forward and find ways to be happy even when he is not.