BPDFamily.com

Hello:
I am new to this site and need help please!  My 16 year old son has BPD and has had it for a few years.  He was such an amazing, thoughtful, engaging person 3 years ago.  I am working to get him into the right therapy, but I need help!  I feel like I just can't take this anymore.  I can't take another day of him telling me I am a horrible mom, all his problems are because of me, I can't do anything right.  He doesn't take ownership for anything school, himself, etc.  His words are constantly mean and hurtful no matter how many kind things I do for him.  Whenever rules are enforced a debate begins.  Whenever he is asked to do something he doesn't want to do, he gets volatile. I need help in learning how to put a wall around my heart so I don't keep getting hurt. I need help disconnecting from him.  I need help in accepting the fact that I will never have a son who wants to connect with me once he leaves home.  I will never have a son who says "I love you" or hugs me.  I need a way to stop hurting and to mourn the son I have lost and will never have again.   Does anyone have suggestions?  Things that have worked?  Books to help?  Thank you!

 :hi:

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here...

I don't have all the answers, but a few things to keep in mind

Firstly you're going to need to separate these out in your mind - not just for the sake of the list, but compartmentalizing so you are able to handle the tremendous amount of factors you'll be juggling in the future. Otto Kernberg is a really boring but surprisingly helpful read, one of the "early" researchers into BPD before it became du jour.

-His insults and your ability to be hurt by them; this is much more difficult for parents than spouses to become immune to the truly absurd insults. A particular BPD has labeled me with so many bizarre and contradictory terms that it really doesn't affect my self-esteem/schema...and that sounds like one of your major issues right now.

-Enforcing rules is a separate issue, don't tangle them together. This one might be one of the easier ones to solve since it's less likely to be psychopathology-driven than some of his other behaviors.

-Getting him into therapy - my only hint here would be to not let him associate "therapy" with "Mom's idea and she's always asking me about it and how it's going and what I'm learning"...you'll need to back off and give him some space to quietly make progress without feeling like you're boasting. If he's BPD, he suffers from crippling shame and insecurity...and mothers can make that much worse just by being moms.

-He believes you are a horrible mother who is causing problems for him. We're all imperfect, so he's probably drastically over-stating it but has a kernel of truth. Look at yourself and resolve to find at least one area where he's actually right (and not some weird "He's right, I'm too soft on him" way).

Finally, is he your only/oldest child? I just ask because it sounds like some of his behaviors are not necessarily tied into his BPD and are just "normal" teenaged angst - it might be more commonly directed at parents who did fail their children in a meaningful way, but it can hit any family. That's actually "good news" (okay we have a crappy definition of "good" around here...) because it means you needn't resolve yourself to never seeing him again - he may well just "hate you" from now until he's 19, or 22, or 25. I'm of those who believe boys/men do not change much after the age of 25 - but until then you've got a pretty decent chance of salvaging his relationship with you...it won't likely be next week or next month, but hopefully you are able to play the long-game here

Ihope16, I need all of PearlsBefore's advice myself. Excellent guidance about breaking this down into separate pieces.

My girls are 16, 17 and 20, and the oldest two alternate between combative and cold these days. I keep my emotions stable with them and cry hot years alone. It's so tough.

I read an article recently that said, "If your kids hate you, let them." On top of any additional stuff your son is dealing with, kids at this age are trying to separate from us. Thing is, it's also scary for them, and they don't know how to voice their fear. Their fear comes out as anger. This may be what your son is dealing with, in addition to everything else.

I'm not a perfect mom and just like PB said, some of what my kids have said is true. It doesn't mean I have to be devastated. It's an opportunity to model mature emotional growth and actually learn how to do things better.

PB is right - we're in this for the long game. Know and accept your strengths and weaknesses, find support for you, and be patient. I'm confident for both of us that we will see this out to the other side.