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So this isn't a big deal but I am a little confused by the interaction with my ex BPD today. I was just wondering if maybe somebody else can see something I missed?

I went into Walmart at lunch to get a salad and a drink. She was running the self-checkout at one side of the store. I seen her and she was facing away from me. I walked up behind her and lean down by next to her ear and said "You sure about that?" just to be playful and startled her a little. We used to do this when we were together. She backed into me a little bit at the same time and it did startle her. She grinned and told me I startled her. We kind of laughed. She then had to go help a customer so I walked to the back of the store and use the bathroom and when I came back she was done so I stopped and chatted some more. I told her I seen my opportunity and had to do it. I told her I had one up now. She told me I didn't. It was kind of a playful Exchange.

At this time a neighbor that lives down the street from me was in line and started chatting to both of us. He was telling us how he had been doing some work at his house and jokingly I told him when he was done there he could come help me pour concrete at my house. He laughed and told me how he hated doing concrete. He then left.

My ex and I stood there kind of joking a little and then after a minute she asked if I needed help. I didn't have anything in my hands and wasn't sure if she was joking but jokingly I told her I need lots of help. She kind of laughed and then she told me it would hit me later. I ask her "The help thing will hit me later?" I was kind of confused. She said "Yeah."

After I left I began wondering if she was asking if I needed help doing concrete or something? I text her and ask her that. Later in the day she text back and said no. I told her that when she said it would hit me later it had me thinking and I wondered if that's what she meant. I told her I wondered if I had missed something and that my brain wasn't  braining today.. She text me back and said "Okay, have a good night." I told her "You too."

That just seemed a little confusing. Not really any explanation or anything. I still am not sure if I missed something. Like I said, it's not a big deal. Just a little confused.

Dear Carguy, no big deal. I think she may have been trying to set a boundary around what is appropriate at work. It sounds as if 5 minutes chitchat is OK, but any longer than that and she is obliged to treat you like a customer. I.e. self check out or move on. But in a nice way because she knows you are sensitive to her. 

What do you think? Does this sound about right?

CarGuy, im also wondering if you notice your ex being highly commited to her job, does it play a big part in her self-identity? My ex had identity issues, and a new job suddenly engulfed her into a role. She took it serious, it also surprised me because for years she was unemployed and happy to be a dead beat, suddenly she transformed into a punctual, hardworking, "the company is my life, and my life is devoted to the company". As always, it was radicalism, like so much else in the relationship.

Just putting this out there to see if you can relate, or not, because I knew to just leave my ex alone when she was at work and not visit, she was mentally in those moments fixated and focused on that environment and the roleplay, so to add my presence there was to cause a disturance.

Car Guy,

I know you said it's a minor issue, but I'm curious as to why this matters to you at all? From all I can remember from your experience, you have been moving on from her and doing quite well, but now you're letting a trivial event invade your headspace?

I could be misreading the situation, but only concerned that you're not allowing yourself to fully attach from your BPD ex.

Hi Carguy,

I tend to agree with  khibomsis' theory. These retail stores have security cameras everywhere to watch customers as well as employees. Plus, store management is frequently on the floor as well.

For example, a good buddy of mine works at a major home improvement store. I ran into him one afternoon while I was shopping, and we had a quick 5-10 minute conversation in the home lighting department. During our conversation, he made sure to point to different items on the shelves even though that was not part of our discussion. He said that he was wanting to satisfy whoever might be watching us in the security cameras as well any department manager that could be out on the sales floor. When your ex asked if you needed help, it may have been for the purpose of treating you like a customer since you were in her workplace. I wouldn't read into it too much.

Khibomsis,

It could be. I wondered this as well. I guess what's really confusing is usually she is a little more direct than that. I.E. I need to get back to work or something to that effect.

In the past even back to 2005 I would stop and chat with her for awhile when she was at work. She didn't really have any problems with that. Even a couple of weeks ago when she text me asking about the truck she was interested in. I stopped and talked to her about it for probably a good 10 to 15 minutes and it wasn't a problem. Of course she was greeting people at the door and such. It could be different where she's running the self checkout and has to help people.

The other confusing part is when she said it would hit me later instead of being more direct.

I've decided I'm just going to take it that she was trying to hurry me along because she had to work. No big deal really. Not really hurt or upset by it. Just was a little confused and wondering if she was meaning something else that perhaps I missed.

Cromwell,

She's pretty committed to her job and a hard worker but in the past as recent as two weeks ago and as far back as 2005 it wasn't really a problem for me to chat with her for a little bit while she was at work (unless she was angry with me). It may be different where she was running self check out though. I really think she's more dedicated to the business she's trying to get off the ground though. She loves her job at Walmart but really wants to get this business going so she doesn't have to work there anymore.

Grumpydonut,

Really I'm just curious if I missed something. It just seemed like an odd exchange. I'm not really hurt or upset or anything by it. Unless she says something different, I'm just going to assume she was trying to hurry me along because she was at work. The last while I have been doing better with detaching. A few times when I've been in Wal-Mart I've seen her at one of the checkouts or at customer service getting ready to clock out to go to lunch or something and I have not felt the need to go over there and say hi or walk by her. Just get my stuff and leave and go about my day.

Brighter Future,

You may be right. I decided to take it as such. I was just a little confused,with the way she said it (maybe playfully or ?) I was just unsure because she is usually more direct. Also the part where she said it would hit me later. Like she was hoping I would catch on to something. Like I said, she's usually more direct.

Part of it is because in the past on a pretty frequent basis she may say or do something like that and I didn't read between the lines and she was a little hurt that I didn't catch on or something. She honestly believed I should be able to read her mind! She told me at one point that she wants to be so close that you can read what the other person is thinking or wanting without having to ask or them having to tell you. It sounds great but I don't believe you can always read the other person's mind.

The other thing was the texting later on. Instead of just saying that she needed to get back to work for something she didn't say anything other than okay and have a good night. It just seemed a little odd was all.

If that were the case, would the meaning of the word "other" have to not also change a long with it?

if it is the mind that makes us unique, and we share it with another in sync, 24/7 and know everything the 'other' is thinking. Then surely that makes "her", "me"?

Plus, would it really be great? id personally only imagine it would resemble some sort of living nightmare.

Great to read  :love-it:

Cromwell,

Those are good points and something to think about!

I understand wanting to be close and knowing that person better than anybody and having a good idea what they want or need but my grandparents were married 47 years before my grandfather died and as well as they knew each other they still could not read each other's minds.

Grumpydonut,

I do still have my moments and still feel myself missing her some but not like it was. I do feel like I am healing a little. I'm a work in progress. :-)


So today I had an appointment with my therapist. He asked how things were going between her and I. I mentioned this interaction to him and told him I was a little confused. We talked about it and he pointed out some interesting things to me. He pointed out that if I was obsessing a little about it after I left then generally it's because there was a negative there. I thought that was kind of interesting. I told him that I wasn't really hurt or upset by it. Just confused. I told him about texting her to ask if she meant help with pouring the concrete. As we dug deeper into it I came to realize that the negative was my wondering if she was going to be upset because I didn't catch on. That's how it was in the past. Worrying about her being upset at me. That made sense and ties into my people pleasing struggles. He did point out that it was good that I was able to let it go soon after the interaction but with this knowledge and recognizing it early on will help me to let it go sooner. Before I even walk out the door.

Another thing he told me that I found interesting was about me texting her afterwards. He said that my texting her and asking her because I didn't understand is actually invalidating for a sensitive person like herself. He told me that in her mind she isn't going to explain it to me. She is going to feel like if I didn't get it then it's not her responsibility to explain it to me. In her mind it makes her feel like she's dumb because she didn't explain it to where someone else understand what she's saying. It actually made a lot of sense! When he said those things I could actually hear her saying those things! In the past she has made comments about how she does all this stuff trying to help me (understanding things) and she shouldn't. She also has said how she believes I think she is dumb or someone she works with thinks she is dumb or how everyone thinks she is dumb. She struggles with that. He told me that if I'm going to continue some sort of relationship (we're  still friends) with her then it is best that in situations like this to not ask or point out that I didn't understand what she's trying to say. We decided a better way to handle it would have been to tell her that she's right, it will hit me later and leave it at that or something similar. I found all of that rather interesting. I had never thought about that before or realized that if it makes her feel like that. This could be why I got such a short response on the last text.

Hey Carguy, it helps to stay working the tools on the bettering board as long as you are in some sort of relationship with a pwBPD  :)
Brilliant point about the invalidation that your therapist made, I had not seen that.  I mean, of course one does not sometimes understand, who can read the mind of BPD? Still, it makes sense that they would get upset when one can't read minds, my mom was like that. As she got older we were able to joke about it gently...

But I will make sure to emphasize that it is my stupidity when I don't understand in future.

I think it takes longer to detach when one stays friends. It gets a bit easier every day.
 :hug:

CarGuy,

Pleased to hear you reached a decision. When I look back to going through some of my own wonderments, I wish I had that level of freeing myself, it got too much at times. I like a bit of making the relationship "mystical" , mysterious even but to a healthy extent, being thrown red herrings each day is not for me, it just took time to experience and realise. So anyway, well done putting it to one side it sounds  like a wise choice. 

Khibomsis,

It really is hard to understand their mind at times. Things like that I would never have realized unless he pointed that out to me.

I think being distant friends helps detaching better than close friend but it could possibly make it a little harder too.

Cromwell,

I'm still unsure about some things but we have been friends for many years. I do still care about her but maybe being distant friends will be okay? I guess time will tell.

I've kind of been struggling a little bit the last couple of days. Starting to feel a little bit of hopelessness. It seems like everybody is in a relationship and at times I question whether I will always be alone. Living in rural area makes it hard to find companionship too. I can hear my inner critic filling me with doubt and hopelessness. I hate it.

I hear you Carguy

im just assuming that you have family and/or other strong reasons to want to stay where you are rural?

otherwise you could just move to more population density and more opportunities.

Maybe you are right it is just hopeless and theres nothing can be done.

Carguy...don't take this badly but I am going to say something a little harsh. Stop analyzing and trying to have a good relationship with her after you have already failed as a couple...you are holding yourself back. You really come off over the months as seeming to want to return to her. Here is an idea...STOP going to walmart! there are other places...heck, order online...how we get along with our ex's...certainly if no children involved...is the least of our worries...I honestly get the feeling from reading your posts and the care, tho admirable, about every intricacy via run ins after the fact give me the feeling you want her back...if so, great...that is up to you...but maybe it's time to stop caring about every glance or wave or tone of voice...do you really want this done or not?

Cromwell,

Yeah my family and my kids are here. I have family that live all around me and my older son lives a few towns over. My younger son lives with his mother in the next town over until he finishes High School.

I also bought property from my grandma 12 years ago (before she passed) and built a new house here. The property has actually been in my family for several generations now and I grew up here. I like living here with the open space and in the area I grew up but the dating scene is depressing. I have thought about renting out my house and moving out of the area in the past. I have even thought about moving back to Canada with my dad and his family for a bit. I am pretty established here though. If I did move it would be after my youngest son graduated high school.

It does feel hopeless some days. It's a hard feeling to deal with.

Cash,

I get what you're saying. I truly do struggle with knowing what I want with her at this moment. There is a huge part of me that wants her back but then there is also a big part of me (logical side) that is afraid of getting hurt again and is pretty sure it will just end in a disaster again with me getting hurt again. It really is an internal battle with me. I do tend to overanalyze every interaction that I have with her. And then when I don't see her for a while I struggle with ruminating about her. And when it comes to her I am very sensitive. I struggle with wondering what this meant or worrying what that meant. When she ignores me or acts very uninterested when I see her then I start feeling rejected and down on myself. I start spiraling back into a depression and when it gets bad enough I start having dark thoughts.

What's dumb about it all is I have attracted attractive girls even a year ago when her and I were split up. But yet my internal critic tells me I'm going to be alone. The girls I attracted also lived a few hours away so seeing them makes it harder.

To me I feel like I am so back and forth at times that I am a mess. I want her in my life and to be close but then my logical and fearful side is afraid being hurt again and having her close. I feel like I am my own mindf@$#.

I think there is some evidence here that this is her workplace and it is a variable not to ignore, its not just "my ex sitting at a checkout" there is a lot more to it likely. she "loves" her job, maybe 5minutes is all she could get away with before it would start to affect her, potentially cause trouble for her? or if she loves her job, might even start to make her feel guilty for "slacking off" on the job?

Ive worked in similar retail jobs, its dreadful, I couldnt just disappear for 10 minutes before having 30 people try hunt me down like a pack of hounds. Have you ever worked in these places? Its surveillance capital and every minute of the day is preplanned and allocated. Im not so sure about Walmart, they have I heard a family-culture worker strategy to give the illusion of lack of management, so it can get to this situation where she might be "letting the Walmart family" down. Im not exaggerating one bit.

I think its worth a consideration that you are having these convos in a place where she is not at full liberty to necessarily talk or be her true self, it might "just" be checkout work and many folk can do it and talk seamlessly, but she is not her own master and she is really doing a job and has a role of sorts to play. I think she might have even tried to signal to you that "officially you are a customer" even though there is a strong history of relationship between you both.

Carguy...didn't mean to bite or be critical...going back and forth and wondering about how they are feeling, what the real "truth " is is so natural...even in "normal' relationships...I think the problem with BDP's is that that truth is totally skewed...even they don't know perhaps as it's mostly guided by the past adn certainly by moods perhaps...keep it up, you will get there and know what is right!

Carguy,

What you said here really hit close to home for me, and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I struggle with many of these things as well. I live in a mostly rural area, and it's harder to meet people especially when you are a single parent in your 40's. My ex-g/f and I split 11 months ago this week, and I haven't been out on a date since then, mostly by my own choosing. Once I get out of a serious relationship, I'm the type of guy that needs to take a break and chill out for a while, especially after getting out of a relationship with a pwBPD. I've talked with at least three other women since the breakup, however. One ghosted me out of the blue, and the other one has a lot of emotional baggage from her previous marriage. I don't think I want to get involved in that. She is a former classmate from my high school days that contacted me out of the blue about a month ago.

At times, I have negative thoughts about ultimately never finding someone and dying alone someday. I shared those feelings with my ex-g/f about the time we started dating about 3 years ago. At the time of the breakup nearly two years later, she sort of  used that statement against me when I said we weren't ready for marriage. She told me, "Apparently you don't even want a wife. I guess you do just want to live the rest of your life alone!" It doesn't bother me very often these days, but at times I can still hear the sound of her voice in my head somedays telling me that. I do know for sure that us not getting engaged was the right thing for us considering her severe emotional issues and my issues as well. Getting married would not have made those issues go away, they would have only complicated them further. In turn, it would have made our children from our previous marriages suffer as well.

I have accepted the fact that our relationship is over and that even if I would have married her, that wouldn't have made it last either. Now I'm just trying to focus on the many positives in my life (there are plenty) which include my child. I'm her primary residential parent, so I have to work hard on being my best for her. I admit some days are a challenge for me to be my best.  It sounds like you have a lot of positives in your life as well, and it seems like have a lot of special skills and can do many different things. A lot of people aren't proficient in those types of trades. So, give yourself a pat on the back for that.  Focus heavily on those things. I know when I keep my mind busy with things like that (projects), it doesn't give me time to sit around thinking about all of the negative crap involving my ex.

I also understand your confusion involving what you feel are mixed signals from your ex. The BPD mind games and constantly shifting moods, goals, etc. are enough to drive the Non partner crazy. I do not miss that PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) from my ex at all!  I agree with the others that you should stay away from Walmart all together for a while or maybe shop there when you know she is not on shift. I had to do that with my ex to help curb my ruminations for her (get her off of social media, cut off the texts, etc.). She still visits her parents that live next door to me usually 2-3 times/week, but it doesn't consume me like it did after the breakup.

Try to relax this weekend and do things that make you happy. We're here if you need to get more off your chest.  The weather here is supposed to be good this weekend, so I intend on doing things outside to take good advantage of the nice weather!

Dear Carguy, it can be agony at times. I am just so tired of crying I rather get up and paint a wall or something. At least that way something useful gets done.

It does get better, I am past the second month and am starting to see glimpses of sanity. It helps that when we do interact it is quiet and peaceful. I have promised myself not to go back to the madness, and she the same. We are both putting patterns of behaviour behind us.

On the positive side, I am coming out of my shell and interacting slightly with the external world. It is true that having interacted with my expwBPD I find nons very easy to get along with. All that practice with the tools is making relating to others a piece of cake. It is the gift of BPD.

As for never finding another woman, I don't think that is going to happen. You have a lovely set-up there on your grandmother's land. I think it is you who are not ready yet, and indeed it is early days. When you are at peace with yourself you will attract the same energy. I plan to go shopping for a wife as soon as my therapist thinks I am sane enough. In the meantime I shall adopt a cat  :)

Hang on in there. It gets better with time. I hope your weekend weather is lovely and you have a great break.
 :hug:

Cromwell,

You could be right. Even though she chatted with me in the past at work, I am not a boyfriend now. I'm just a friend. It also could be that she is running the check out versus the other times I chatted with her she was not. The other places she was at she might have been able to chat a little more. It could also be a little bit of her not being interested as well. Her responses through text sound uninterested too.

Cash,

It is definitely skewed. And her moods change frequently. I guess I should be glad that she is not responding in anger toward me like she was last summer. She was downright cold and rude last summer if I said anything to her.

Brighter Future,

We are very similar! I will be 45 in a few weeks. My oldest boy is out of the house and my younger one is almost through High School. He lives with his mother in the next town over. Like you, I don't know that I am ready to date right now. There are times that I go years without dating.

I struggle with the same thoughts of dying alone. And we almost got married on a few occasions. We talked about it a few years ago but didn't. When problems started to arise and we started recycling, the more it happened the less I wanted to get married even when she would talk about it. I was glad I didn't marry and have kids with her. That would have made it so much worse. In fact, this last time we were together she told me that she believes I'm the love of her life and wanted to marry me. Not sure what to say, I told her to let's work towards it.

I'm going to try to stay away from Walmart and only shop there when I know she is not there. Give myself some space.

Khibomsis,

I totally get that! I am tired of sitting here and hurting over her. I want to keep getting up and doing things. Working on projects or something. Unfortunately the weather in my area is rainy and cold this weekend. Possibly some snow. And I was hoping to pour my concrete this weekend for the hot tub!

That's great that you're starting to come out of your shell and see glimpses of sanity! Maybe I will find another woman someday. I love my setup though. I have my house, yard, a yard close by for my projects, my little shop to work on them in,  and my little farm. It's pretty much what I wanted. I even have a few kitties! :-)




So I kind of odd thing happened last night. So the back story for those that might not know: last Autumn when her and I got packed together, a few months in I noticed this guy on Facebook would like and heart all of her post and comment on them. It was obvious he was chasing after her. Even though she would tag me in things calling me babe and I would do the same (he never liked, hearted,
or commented on those posts). Looking at her Facebook it would be obvious that we were together. Anyhow when it was final in December that we were broken up, a week later she's hanging out with this guy. I was really upset and hurt. This guy has hung out with her quite a bit since then I guess. A few months ago when we talked she told me that she didn't leave me for him. He was just a friend and even though he wanted to get together with her she told him that would never happen. As I found out, he was convicted in the past of child molestation. She said she wouldn't risk losing her kids.

Anyhow, at the time that we were together and this guy kept commenting and leaving hearts on her page, he sent me a friend request. I thought it was kind of odd that he was chasing after my girlfriend and yet wanting to friend me on Facebook. After we broke up and he was hanging out with her all the time the friend request was gone. Last night I get on my tablet to look up some parts a my notification popped up that he sent me a friend request on Facebook again. Huh? I'm not sure what to think about that. I will admit that there is a part of me that wants to accept it out of curiosity to see if he tries to talk to me or something. There's the other part of me that doesn't want anything to do with any of that.

CarGuy, Why not spend time harnessing these opportunities, go to see them stay a weekend, week or whatever and via versa? Single and free, many that are stuck in unfulfilled relationships and marriages in your rural community would envy that you have that opportunity. Dont take it personally who your ex girlfriend chooses to hang around with, it does not have to be a reflection on you unless you choose to make it so. Bizarre stuff happens, this is for social scientists to get curious about, there are women who write to serial killers in prison wanting relationships or marry, imagine being their family members and if levelheaded folk be wondering "wtf". This happened in your grandparents generation as much as today. Take a break from trying to figure out the bizareness of life even when it gets close to home, your a grown up man and how much of it you choose to get/stay involved, is entirely up to you.

Im just intervening because I see vulnerability. A gloopy soup there is a bit of depression there, there is heartbreak and so on and maybe deeper issues which is your therapists area to try help figure out why you are stuck on trying to please her even though.

1. ex girlfriend, zero responsibilities for.
2. even if you were together, how she feels at any given moment is not something any of us can control, predict.

Let it go man, if I was selling you a car youd have the skill to check it over first and say "you said it just needed a new headlamp, Cromwell, this thing you selling is a death-trap!"

id just wait until someone without that experience buys the lemon. Thats what all these "other guys" got she idealised once I got that insight, over time and realised. So I sold them a lemon. now its someone elses problem.

these are not 'nice' experience but its "experience" nonetheless. Cest la vie?

Let go of the past and evaluate her for what you discovered in time. She is not what you thought she would be? it did not turn out like you had hoped? its all okay. The inner critic can not hurt you with this, where it gets noisy is when "look man, you know by now, what are you doing"

thats what really hurts, the self esteem, thats what im trying to guide you away from. You are not a stupid guy, you know exactly what you are doing.

Dear Carguy, let it go. How many years were you together, on and off, and you did not feel secure enough to marry her? Do the both of you a favour and keep on widening the distance. You are neither of you getting any younger, and moving on to somebody you might be prepared to settle down with allows her to move on also.  Nothing wrong with being supportive occasionally, but in the main please try to be happy that she is dating? It frees the both of you.

And no guy is ever going to be good enough for her in your eyes. What you had was real. I am sorry it didn't work out!

There is another thread on here about the things one loses to BPD. I am going through a lot of that grief, but hey, it is lost. Time to move on.

I have never known a social system where a nice guy, stable with a comfortable property, is allowed to be single for long. Unless the women of the United States are strangers to this rule lol Still, I think your fear of never meeting another one  - though very natural for this stage of the break-up - should be heard. Perhaps it is your subconscious trying to communicate?  Do you fear abandonment, Carguy? Maybe something to discuss with therapist.

We're here for you.

 :hug:

Carguy,

I will be 45 late this year. Was there any age difference between you and your ex? My ex will be 36 soon, so there was 8.5 years worth of age difference between us. I met her a little over 20 years ago when she and her family moved in next door to me. I was in a relationship at that particular time.  I was 23, and she was 15. Because of the age difference, I never gave it any mind until about 4 years later when she was about 19, but she was still too young for me. According to her, it was an "instant crush" on her part when she first saw me 20 years ago.  While we were in a relationship, I was told all of the typical things like soulmate, man of my dreams, etc. She also stated that she wanted to have one more child and that she wanted it to be with me since she felt like she never had any support with the fathers of her two other children (ex-b/f and ex-husband).

Like you, when it came down to it, I couldn't proceed with an engagement until she faced her problems. After going through what I did with my ex-wife, I didn't want to make the same mistakes again.   It may sound silly, but I assumed that she would get help since she admitted to the issues and stated that she needed professional help. I was wrong about that. She's not willing to do that for herself or anyone else.  I had bought an engagement ring about a month before the breakup. Fortunately, the jewelry store gave me a full refund about 2.5 months after the breakup. It took a while for them to process it because of Covid.  Returning that ring was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do in my life. However, after I had some time to process things, returning it sort of set me free from all of the heartache and what would have probably been a miserable marriage.  One of her own family members told me that they are glad that we didn't end up getting engaged and that she would have "made my life a living hell." Isn't it sad that one of her own family members said that to me? It is true though. At least they recognize that she needs help. 

I think staying away from Walmart will help you process things. Let us know how that goes.  Doing that last year really helped me out until my ex started contacting me again last September and October. I haven't heard anything from her in about six weeks now, so that has been good. My mother bumped into her last week while she was out, but mom told me she just smiled at my ex, waved, and kept on walking. Several of my family members and friends including my mother felt really duped by her. I assume they feel that way because she told several of them how much she loved me and wanted to be married to me someday. She played along with that right up until the discard.

Cromwell,

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking the last few days. I have been staying away from Walmart when she is there working. I have only been going in there when she's not working. If she's working I either wait until she's not or stop by the other grocery store. It's smaller and doesn't have some of the things I purchased and it's a little more expensive but for a few items it's okay.

This weekend I also started thinking about this guy. I've decided I have to just go with my gut and my interwishing on this. He has sent me a friend request either because things are going bad between them and now he wants to buddy me/chat with me, he wants to be a flying monkey, or other. I know when she talked to me several months ago about him she said he didn't have many friends really and was socially awkward. In any case and whatever the reasons are it seems like a bunch of drama that I just don't need! I'm not going to friend him and I'm staying the hell out of that!

I also started thinking about him and if things are going wrong and she is turning on him like she did me. There was a part of me that actually felt kind of bad for him. There was also a part of me that was glad it wasn't me going through more. I'll admit that there is still a part of me that misses her and the good times but I do feel I'm getting stronger and detaching better than I have at any time in my past with her.

As far as who she is hanging out with being a reflection on me, I actually don't feel that way. Quite a while back when I was posting on the bettering board, we talked about this. I only knew of a couple of the guys she dated the times that we were apart but one I believe might have been mentally handicapped? I met him in the hardware store once. He actually approached me and apologized. But the way he held the muscles in his face and talked and acted, there was something handicapped about him. Another guy I know of I believe may have been as well. I seen her with him in public and he seemed similar. When we talked about this on the other board someone mentioned that a lot of times a BPD person will go after an easier mark after they've dated you. Someone that is less likely to leave them. My therapist seemed to agree with that. I have also read that elsewhere. Learning that I don't take who she chooses to hang out with personally.

At this point I am just going to put more space between us and keep doing what I'm doing.

Khibomsis,

At one point I was comfortable enough to marry her but after things started going downhill, the more they went downhill the more I moved away from the idea of marriage. The sad thing is, unless she was able to get help and change I don't see a marriage lasting. My last marriage ended up being miserable and I'm afraid this would be much the same. It's sad because it seemed at one time so promising and like it would be such a great relationship. That's what hurts, thinking I finally found that one person that I would be with forever and be a family with. I feel I was robbed of that once again.

You're very right on them not being good enough in my eyes. I know that I will be looking at it from a very biased position though.

Actually I do have a huge fear of Abandonment. It stems from my relationship or lack of relationship with my mother as a baby and a child. I was raised by my grandparents in later childhood and my mother didn't have much to do with me. My therapist and I have done some work in this area but I feel there is more that needs to be done.

Brighter Future,

Man! The similarities just keep coming! LOL.

I will turn 45 next month and 17 days after my birthday my ex BPD will turn 36. I met her in 2005 when I was almost finished with my divorce. She was 20 and I was 29. It wasn't real serious. No sex (she was actually quite religious at the time), no sleepovers, nothing like that. We only dated maybe two months and it was mostly going out and doing things together. Having someone to go have fun with. She broke up with me and told me she wasn't ready for all of that and that was fine. I was a little bummed out but it was okay. We stayed friends and lost contact and would come back in contact every few years. Bump into each other or something and chat for a few weeks to a few months and then lose contact again. It's happened a few times over the years and then in 2015 we ran into each other again. She was almost finished with her second divorce we started dating again. This time it became a lot more serious.

She said the same things to me about soulmate, twin flames, meant to be, love of her life. What was even stranger is a few years ago my cousin back in Canada died of a Tylenol overdose. I didn't think about it but when my aunt sent me the funeral program my ex BPD pointed out that if we got married her first, middle, and last name would be exactly the same as my cousin with the exception that my cousins first name had an extra letter at the beginning of it. She took that as a sign that we were meant to be as did I at the time.

She also has two kids with her second ex-husband. She would frequently be upset with herself for having kids with him. She wished she would have had her kids with somebody else other than him. Then she started talking like she wished she would have had them with me. She would complain about how he would do this or that when he had them and on and on but as far as I can see he was actually a supportive father. He just doesn't get along with her and doesn't like her and she feels the same towards him. About two years into our relationship she started hinting that she would like to have a third kid with me. I told her that I really wasn't looking at having any more kids at this point in my life. She did bring it up other times after that though. It did bother her that I didn't want to have more kids and she did.

Sadly she knows that there is something not right with her. She believes it is social anxiety. She has been to counseling with a few different counselors but it never lasts. A few months ago she told me she got back into counseling again though. I don't believe she has been diagnosed as BPD or realizes that's what it is. My therapist was the one that pointed it out to me. She fits about all of the criteria for it though. Unless she actually got help for it and stuck with it I don't see being able to marry her. When we were together I kept trying to gently guide her in that direction and to getting help for that using advice from my therapist. She didn't get there though.

Like you I am glad I didn't jump into a marriage with her. I almost did but I decide to hold off a little longer because I was scared. Eventually I seen things going downhill and eventually realized that unless she got the help she needs it likely would have been a bad marriage just like my first one. I want to avoid that!

Carguy,

I get the saving money aspect, but if these encouters lead to a lot of ruminating and upset, is it worth it? not only emotionally but is this not time that you could be working on restoration or other goals etc? I just feel the need to highlight this because it was something that I overlooked in the relationship. Time also got very distorted, I thought it was maybe 45 minutes I went hillwalk with her one night and took the chance to tell her all how I felt, she told me later that it was four hours. Worth bearing in mind, 5 minutes might feel like 30 seconds when in conversation with a person that induces heightened emotional state, adrenaline release etc.

also, from experience, it can be easy to assume that it is his profile that it is "him", is not necessarily the case. Again, worth considering only because I saw you made this a conclusion of "its either this, or that" that explains it.

moot point anyway, you feel strange about the whole thing and thats how you feel.

Like it has been pointed out to me before, spending a little extra money on a few small items when I need them is worth my emotional health. I also get the time Distortion thing although when her and I have had discussions in the past about problems I wonder if she gets distorted? It takes a long time to discuss things because she has to think about things for quite a while before she responds.

Other than that I am doing good. I spent yesterday and today with my son pouring concrete. It was a lot of work and we both are sore and sunburned but we got it done and it looks pretty good.  Not bad for the first time pouring a concrete pad. Here soon I'll be able to move the hot tub on to it and get it set up. :-)

So the latest thing. Earlier today it popped up on my Facebook Messenger that he sent me a message. He said "We should get together and talk sometime, please." Later this afternoon I finally responded and said "About?" Later when I got back online it popped up and he said "Life."

I don't feel like that was much of an answer and I'm not sure how to feel or what to respond to him. I'm not sure that I really want to talk to him. It seems like drama to me. Like I have said, I have been able to maintain a friendship (although distant) with my ex BPD and him wanting to talk to me for whatever reason makes me feel like I'll either be put in the middle of something or he knows that I'm still upset with him and that just seems like another drama path. I'm a little confused as to what to do here.

I did run into her the other day and we ended up chatting a little. I found out what she meant when she asked if I needed help in Walmart that one day. She said that again jokingly and I told her I was still trying to figure that out. She gave me a few hints and then suddenly I realized, it was an inside joke between us that I had forgotten about. Mystery solved!

Carguy, I am so glad you had an amicable conversation and figured things out :) Also that you got your concrete  poured and spent some time with your son.

As for Mr Child Molester, I cannot imagine that you would want anything to do with him, were it not for your ex.  To me, the worst part of being friends after breakup is you get a lot of the bad stuff - dealing with fear, anxiety, etc - and none of the good that kept you in the relationship for so long. I think a boundary has to be put around mixing with child molesters, though. If he wasn't a suitable friend for her, he won't be for you. Smells like a triangle in the making: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317511.0       This might help you make sense of it.

All for you making new friends, just not your exe's friends.

I am so sorry to hear about your childhood abandonment. I am much the same, was brought up by my grandma until I was out of nappies. I had no idea how deep these things can go. As an adult I am quite glad of it because my mom was uNBPD. But the child in me still feels abandoned. It is good you are working on it in therapy, abandonment fears are the worst. Not least because people who like controlling find it an easy way to control us. It was only when I turned around and confronted my fears that I couldn't be controlled anymore.

 :hug: