BPDFamily.com

My 24 year daughter who has BPD recently had her boyfriend arrested for assault - that she regrets it and believes, in hindsight, that he was probably just trying to calm her is another issue. She is under hope (delusion?) that he will eventually return into her loving arms and all will be well. She and he, having lived together for a few years, since covid, are behind 10s of thousands of dollars in rent. The police have obviously forbidden contact (part of the legal requirements), he is now with his mother; she is still at the apartment, and both have received an eviction notice. He just sent word to apartment management that he'd like to break the lease. She is even more devastated.

I've learned over the years to listen intently and calmly to my daughter, letting her know she is being heard. I've also learned that I do not have to accept her take on reality. I remind her of the facts before her. I've brought forward names, numbers of professionals who can help her - if she makes the call. She, so far, refuses. None of this is that new, just the intensity of the whole situation, all coming down at once.

My question to you all is this: I know this is her life and she might need to hit rock bottom, which is more probable as the weeks progress. Without stepping in to 'solve' her problem (i.e.: getting evicted with all her belongings on the road with her two cats and no where to go), how DO I respond. Thoughts? Advice?
Mome

Yeah...I've been criminally charged with administering medication, forcible confinement, assault, the whole gamut from a pwBPD who decided her screwed-up life was all my fault...thankfully had a common-sense judge who seemed to have a basic idea of what life caring for a mentally ill person looks like, so everything was dismissed. Still, not a pleasant experience.

I also learned for the first time ever, that there have been studies done that have recommended courts (in the UK as I recall) be made aware if a complainant is BPD and questioned whether they were mentally competent to offer evidence given their skewed perceptions and need to project their own faults onto others...aaaaanyways...

Be careful not to get her hopes up with those professionals, her perceptions are skewed and you don't want her to make the phonecall thinking that they can magically cure her and stop her from getting evicted and bring back her boyfriend, etc. It's never cured, it's only managed...and most of that "management" is truthfully just the passage of time. Thankfully about 90% of BPDs will get less frenzied as they age, while about 10% will get worse through their 20s and 30s. Presumably the numbers on this forum are skewed since we're more likely to reach out for help when we see de-evolution rather than progress.

One possible brainstorm would be the idea of offering that you (or another relative) can care for her two cats in the interim (she'll be happy to not lose them, but hurt that they can't be with her) and you'll put up the money for her to get a room for rent in a rooming house arrangement. Those are usually $250-500, but can be difficult to find because they don't tend to advertise online...might be that phoning the YMCA, the Salvation Army and the non-emergency police line could help you find such accommodation since it's often where they bring street-people and such. They're ugly, smelly and noisy...what better way to remind her for a month or three of the consequence of her action - and hopefully when you're able together to get her into a "better" place she'll be suitably grateful and admonished by the experience in the rooming house.  Then again, maybe not - this whole forum is basically one large exercise in trying to teach long-term life lessons to those whose psychopathology largely prevents it. *sigh*

I know a mentally ill person whose ex-boyfriend has been paying for her apartment for the past eight months even though he's moved on and has his own place and a new girlfriend, etc...he just feels sorry for this ex because she's...just...so...pathetic. She boasts of how she hopes 'next month' (six months running, not yet!) she hopes to take over the electric bill, or maybe the water bill, or start repaying him, etc. I have no idea why he does it, he's got a decent job but it's still $1100/month that it's costing him to house his ex in his former apartment that he left when she went crazy. Maybe he's worried she'll lay false allegations or something, I have no idea.

Sorry you're in such a rough place - I hope she comes up with a better idea than becoming a hobosexual (someone who gets into sexual relationships to avoid being homeless, it's relatively common especially among the mentally ill) since it staves off disaster short-term but ends in long-term problems.

It sounds as though it is inevitable even if the boyfriend does return. It's amazing it hasn't happened already given the rent is so far in arrears.

Do you have any existing boundaries eg your daughter will not be able to move back into your home?

It seems unlikely that she would be able rent another place - her rental history will be taken into account if she applies for another.

Is it likely that your daughter would find someone else to move into the apartment?
Reading through the posts here, I notice that people have different views on how to deal with such a situation, depending on what has been happening. Some people don't allow the child to return home, so they need to find accommodation themselves and sort it out themselves (perhaps with some support). Others actually pay the costs of a small apartment and the child has to meet any other costs.

I've tried all the ways I can think of - provided accommodation (it became a drop in for whoever), she has moved in with different chaps and lived with them for quite extended periods of time, coming home in between.

Now back home after long period of domestic violence and ice abuse.

Perhaps you can brainstorm different options so that you have a clear idea of what kind of support you can offer when the inevitable happens.

Does your daughter recognise that eviction is inevitable and has she mentioned anything she would do if/when it happened?