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Title: Hurt Post by: pacifica12 on March 18, 2021, 12:24:52 PM Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting... I have continuously had experiences with a new family member suggesting the experience BPD. One minute I am great then the next minute I'm a target of rage and hurtful words. This happens will all members of this person's life (except one). No matter how much I read or can tap into my understanding of the disorder... I continue to be so hurt and so sad. I'm sure this pulls into my own self-esteem or my desire for connection, however... how do you manage the hurt? Their rage comes out of nowhere and the relationship becomes triangulated at this persons will. I feel hopeless, vulnerable, and so afraid of what next personal attack I will face. As much compassion as I have and do understand the roots for the challenges... I am at a loss. Title: Re: Hurt Post by: P.F.Change on March 21, 2021, 11:31:20 AM :hi: Hi, pacifica12, and welcome!
I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing due to your family member's BPD behaviors. Mood swings and splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) can feel very confusing. Can you tell us a little more about your relationship with this new family member? Are they an in-law? We are here for you and understand what it's like having a family member with this disorder. You are not alone in your feelings of hopelessness and vulnerability, and you're not alone on the path to feeling centered and prepared to handle the challenges. You mentioned triangulation, so you may already be familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle), but that article has some good tips on how to step out of the triangle into a neutral center and stay there. One of the most helpful workshops for me on this site was Radical Acceptance for Family Members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0). It helped me see that I needed to let go of the idea that my mother could or should behave like someone without BPD and accept that she should behave like someone with BPD, because she is someone with BPD. She is not someone else. That opened the door for me to understand on a feelings level that her behaviors aren't about me, and that I needed to learn healthy boundaries. As human beings, we are wired for connection, so there's nothing wrong with having a desire to connect with family members. But when there is disordered behavior in a family, we need to have boundaries that reflect our values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) and adjust our expectations to the limitations on the connection. Would you like to tell us a little more about the kinds of personal attacks you are experiencing? Is it affecting your relationships with other members of your family? |