BPDFamily.com

I haven’t been on here for a long time but I am
In a desperate situation. I have been  living with my partner for less than a week and I realised on day 2 of her moving in that she is disordered and that I’d made a huge mistake. She swore at me on the second day she was here and tried to stop me seeing one of my friends. She has taken over my flat like a whirlwind and thrown lots of things out and bought lots of new things and I just realised I couldn’t deal with her. Yesterday I told her that I thought we’d rushed into this as we’ve only been dating four months. She had to leave the place where she was staying and I foolishly offered her to come to my place when she told me she’d have to go back to the North of England to stay with her mum and wouldn’t be able to see me. I now feel that was a manipulation tactic.

Anyway, after I’d told her how I felt she slowly seethed throughout the day and then went on a rampage in the evening. Throwing my stuff all over the place and smashing a few things while taking back everything she bought and stashed it in the spare room. She told me that I’d have to pay for everything she has bought and that I was a selfish and horrible person (accompanied by many expletives). She told me that she has no intention of moving out and that I was not ‘calling the shots.’ Prior to this she banished me to the bedroom while she angrily watched television.

I represented her ticket out of her homelesssness and she is understandably furious that I have now backtracked. However, I am suffering from PTSD as I’ve had a horrible couple of years and was being investigated for something which has now gone away. She knows about this and I’m frightened she’ll use it against me. 

I am frazzled and feel terrified of this woman. I know she is also probably frightened and hurt but I fear what is coming next. Trying to work from home has been difficult while she is here. I dread even having to talk to her. She eventually calmed down after talking to her mum or friend but I don’t know if she will leave and how much damage she’ll do to my flat. I have 2 huge pots of paint in the spare room which her friend kindly gave us and I’m worried she will pour that all over the place.

I’ve hardly slept and am not eating hardly anything since she moved in. I’m 58 years old and my blood pressure is through the roof. I’m scared for myself. Been trying to use trauma meditation videos to calm me down. Please please please help.

RomanticFool, I am so sorry you are going through this! It must be terrible so soon after you started dating.
I feel you should call the police. She is causing malicious damage to property and as you know, it can start with the chairs and end up with you. Please be safe!
Then get an eviction order. Great that you are taking care of your blood pressure through meditation videos but you need to remove the root cause of your stress. Imagine the years to come. If it is like this after 4 months think of the hell you are setting yourself up for. The courts will no doubt order treatment which is what she needs.

 I read the term "hobosexual" the other day (thank you Pearls Before Swine!), someone who offers sex in return for a place to stay. Happens often with mentally ill people because nobody can live with them.  RF, you don't want to be a hobojohn. You deserve better.

Yes to everything you’ve said. She gave me a dead eyed glare this morning which could stop a man at twenty paces. I asked her what she was glaring at and she just glared harder. I announced that I had exactly one hour sleep on the couch to which she replied ‘Guilty conscience.’ That about sums up where we are. She is currently in the other room on the phone scheming something diabolical no doubt. I’ve told a few friends and my ex wife. If anything untoward were to happen to me they’ll know who’s responsible.

I too feel that you need the help of police or legal authority. Since she has been in your house only a week, the quicker you have her removed, the better. Can you drive or walk to the nearest police station and talk to someone who can advise you on the best course of action?

Thank you for the advice. So I had to take drastic action and lock her out of the flat. I hated doing it and all of her stuff is here. She hasn’t contacted me but hoping she will tomorrow. She threatened to call the police but didn’t, whereas I did. I told them what happened but I asked them not to contact her as I don’t want this thing to escalate any further. I’m concerned she might come back tomorrow but I will tell her that I’ll forward all of her belongings to her at the earliest opportunity. I feel relieved she’s out but sad at yet another relationship ending in disorder.

My ex wife reminded me today that I had seen red flags in this woman’s behaviour which I reacted to at the beginning of the relationship but as ever the allure of a charismatic, highly sexed woman was too much and I went back there again. I hope I can learn from this to stay away. Now it’s time to heal properly away from any relationship or intrigue.

Well done RF, I am so happy for you!  :wee: Enjoy the peace  :)

Maybe some work with a therapist or Co-dependents Anonymous? We've all been there, I have seen trainwreck after trainwreck in my emotional life, so much so that these days I just want to be alone to sort my head out. Wishing you strength. :hug:

Thank you, that is exactly how I feel. However, the biggest problem for me is despite having gone through all of that trauma, I miss her and I immediately feel lonely again. This is what I’m up against with my head. I thought I was going to have a heart attack this last week and now all I can think about is the sex and the many kind things she did for me. Although I don’t think I’ll ever forget that killer stare she gave me this morning, it chilled me to the bone.

I've read that in some places damage or destruction of property is domestic abuse even if there are no direct physical attacks on you.  Ask the police or even solicitors in your area how they handle such problems.

I agree with the others, the longer she is there, the harder it will be to extract her, both emotionally and on a practical basis.  You can give her a time frame to be gone and that way when you seek police or legal help you can feel okay to firmly state "it was only temporary", that your flat is not her home.

Whatever else, never give any text, letter or other form of documentation that your flat is shared with her.  Henceforth, stop calling her your partner, you risk others treating this problem as a relationship matter and her being viewed in a relationship may place certain obligations on you.

I used to live in New York City a few decades ago.  To get someone out, the landlord/tenant court would want the landlord to pay "moving expenses" to have them move elsewhere.

No, you don't have to pay for the things she bought.  Tell her she's welcome to take them with her.

A suggestion...go ahead and box up her belongings, neatly folded and with bubble-wrap it breakable. Put the boxes away where you don't have to look at them yet can get to them to ship when she provides a forwarding address.

Do NOT let her come for her belongings by herself or be by yourself when she and a friend come over.

All good advice. I am going to tell her that I’ll be sending the belongings and I don’t want anybody coming for them as I will take care of it all. She has a computer and phone that she needs for work and I have a feeling she will attempt to regain entry tomorrow but now that she’s out, I’m never letting her over my threshold again. I believe she is a malignant narcissist and I’ve known a few in my time but I also saw the abandoned child come out as she sobbed on the phone to her mother ‘he doesn’t love me.’ Then this morning I got the death stare and constant devaluation as I had pricked her narcissistic wound. They say if you want to spot a narcissist, just say no to them...then stand back and watch them combust. I feel very sad for her, before she turned she was a wonderful woman but her nastiness about people, lack of boundaries and selective empathy made me see very early into our cohabitation what a nightmare it was and would be for years to come. Nobody could survive that iintact.

I did actually do something stupid legally, I sent her a Notice To Quit email which I shouldn’t have done as she was only here a few days. It may give the impression we had an agreement. In fact

How many of these disastrous relationships have you entered into despite your good judgment? I think I remember at least 3. Have you considered treatment for sexual addiction? Wouldn’t you really prefer a kind woman to share your golden years? What keeps you in this pattern of attracting women with personality disorders?

GaGrl, that’s really good advice. I’m going to offer to send her most important items over in a taxi today but I have a feeling she’s going to say she has nowhere to go. I’ll have to make sure that I don’t let her in whatever happens. I’m going to say that I’ll send everything on and that I don’t want her here.

CatFamiliar,

I think I have had at least 3 with disordered women and each one there was mutual lovebombing at the start and a highly intensive/addictive sexual content. The worst thing is each one I went into against my gut instinct. In fact I vetoed a kinder and more staid woman this time around in favour of the highly sexualised and funny woman who I allowed into my life. The pattern is the same, that each relationship starts off as the apparent answer to all my prayers and then in relatively short time the mask comes off and I see the demon. This time was particularly scary as she started wrecking the flat and was ordering me around like her chastised child. Resorting to drastic measures like locking her out doesn’t sit well with me but I knew I couldn’t go another night with no sleep and heart palpitations type stress wondering what she was going to do. I had to take tough action for my own sanity.

Ignoring red flags is dangerous and my last two relationships have hammered home just how vulnerable I am and how I need to protect myself. I clearly attract and am attracted to disordered women, which means I have to now pause and heal myself before even thinking about any further relationship. My therapist was initially in favour of this current relationship before this woman moved in with me. As soon as she was under my roof, which was clearly her plan all along, the mask came off and by day 2 she was swearing at me and questioning my friendships and movements. She doesn’t understand why I have ‘turned on her’ as she sees it and it breaks my heart that she has such a blind spot. However, I know of old that however much I try to kid myself that she is a caring and loving person, there is no room for doubt about her destructive and mean spirited side which allows her to character assassinate me whenever she is displeased, which would have been constantly had I allowed her to stay. However much my heart yearns when I hear her breaking down on the phone and telling her mother ‘he doesn’t love me’ I have to remember that if I continue with this relationship it threatens my health and peace of mind. I cannot have such a Jekyll and Hyde living with me and not become deeply traumatised by her. Worst of all I miss the good side of her, but my own love addiction was tempered this time by memories of my previous ex and how that relationship had led me to suicidal ideation. This time I acted early so maybe I’ve learnt something important about myself ie that I cannot endure anymore of these types of volatile and ultimately hostile situations. I think the thing I mostly have in common with these women is a deep rooted abandonment issue which drives me to look for the high intensity love addiction that these fellow abandonees offer. We had spent an amazing Christmas Day together and Valentine’s Day was lovely too. She seemed to want similar things to me and offered to ‘look after me’ for the rest of my life. However, that kind of care is accompanied by a sting in the tail in a relationship of controlling behaviour which is also accompanied by aggression when she doesn’t get her way. Her values were also very different to mine but even when the values are the same as in my previous relationship, the pathology (on both sides) is still present. It upsets me to think of her suffering and without a home and her belongings. I have to stick to my resolve and not allow her back in either literally or metaphorically. This relationship will take me down if I allow it to continue.

 I do want somebody kind to go into my golden years with. I met my ex wife before I took the drastic action of locking the girlfriend out and I was reminded of what care, consideration and decency look like and it made me sad to realise what I was tolerating in the name of love. A relationship with a disordered woman is the opposite of love. It’s a battleground for control and as a vulnerable and empathetic person I’m never going to be able to match them blow for blow in the vindictive stakes because happily I’m just not made that way. I am pleased that I showed a lot of self control this time and acted with my wise mind instead of my emotional side. Perhaps I really am learning finally where chaos and disorder will take me. I want a healthy relationship but I have to look at why I get bored with them.

I’m happy to report a good outcome. It’s been a traumatic few days but in the end I took decisive action and locked her out of my flat after she said she wasn’t leaving. I didn’t like doing it but she had become hostile and was trying to order me around my own home and telling me that I don’t call the shots. My response was to take decisive action. She initially threatened to call the police which I encouraged her to do. In the end she went quietly to a friend’s house.

Yesterday she came with a female friend and collected all her stuff. I had packed it all up beforehand and left it outside my flat on the landing in a safe place and asked her to let me know what time she was coming. She didn’t tell me she was here. She knocked on my door and asked if I would help them carry the stuff down the stairs. She asked for the head rest from my Wondercore as she repeatedly asked me if I was certain I’d packed everything she had bought for the place. Double standards as usual. Her stuff wouldn’t all fit in the car so I called a cab and stepped away when her friend gave her address and then had the pleasure of paying £42 for the cab. She then hugged me started crying and said ‘I’ll always love you.’

I have peace restored and can start to heal. No more disasters.

Well done, RF! Congratulations! :wee:

Thank you. Best £42 I ever spent!

Id change the locks, and all my bank cards replaced with new numbers. 

Dont fixate over small sums or take chances, it is money well spent and you acted fast to stop what could have became a very serious problem.

 At the moment it was just her, "the scout" eventually you have scheming shadowy friends to deal with too wanting to come round for "drinks" and thats the beginning of the end. You did well good intuition.

Take care. Crom

Cromwell,

When I first read your post I laughed to myself thinking ‘Don’t be paranoid, she didn’t have any keys which is why I was able to lock her out.’ Having thought about it I’m now considering your advice. I’ve only known her since November and she was only ever supportive, especially through some recent legal issues. I think rather than get shady friends around to take over my flat, what she wanted by her own admission is ‘a good relationship.’ She didn’t put up much of a fight when she was locked out and she came around rather tamely the next day with a friend and sobbed that she ‘will always love me’ as she drove off. I don’t feel she has copied my keys and is planning a future break in - to my knowledge there are no locksmiths open in lockdown - but then again what do I know? So I’m considering what you’ve said.

It seems to me that she wants love but doesn’t realise the nature of her disorder. She doesn’t understand that sobbing down the phone saying ‘he doesn’t love me’ is linked to her father abandoning her when she was a small child. She doesn’t understand that gaslighting and never taking responsibility for her words or actions is not a healthy way to proceed and she especially doesn’t understand that the Jekyll and Hyde thing is a faulty coping mechanism which makes people run. She had an acerbic tongue and was nasty about my friends and particularly my ex wife. The jealous and mean spirited attitude belies a lack of self esteem rather than feeling herself to be a cut above.

On the way home she texted me again saying ‘I love you and I’m always here for you.’ I don’t feel she is planning a criminal enterprise but rather upset over yet another broken relationship and probably doesn’t understand why it keeps happening to her, that all men are horrible and use and exploit her, when in fact it works the other way around. I noticed on her WhatsApp page she has posted another well dressed photo of herself which is what she did daily when we first met. When I questioned her about it she said ‘well you haven’t committed to me yet, so I’m hedging my bets.’

By her own admission she hates being alone, although she is actually very self sufficient. So much of her behaviour I understand and yet I could not be under the same roof as her for even a week as she has no boundaries about what she says or does. I feel for her but am scared of her. I tried to gently explain about DBT counselling to which she replied, ‘It’s you that needs help, with all of your addictions.’ Well she may be right but I’m lucky that I not only have a therapist but also a 12 step programme. She has only her street smarts (which is honed) and a sense of entitlement. I fear she is in for a painful time for many years to come.

RF, I would encourage you to focus less on her life and her behavior and more on your part in these relationships. Healthy people don't move someone in after a few months and it's certainly no coincidence that you have been with multiple disordered women with some pretty substantial consequences.

Why did you ignore the red flags this time?

ct21218,

I agree with you. I have been focusing on my own behaviour for quite some considerable time and I am aware that I am attracted to disordered women for various reasons. The first one is because they are often very charismatic and exciting at the beginning. They are highly sexual and behave in a loving manner initially. I always engage in the sexual side with great fervour and then mutual love-bombing begins, of which I always play a big role in. This time the intensity of the feelings and situation was exacerbated by the fact I was possibly in legal trouble and I leant on her for support. This brought us closer together and I believed she was a good bet for a relationship because even though she was highly sexual and quite abrasive, I felt there was a kind, loving person in there. Exactly what I thought about my last girlfriend.

I actually walked away from a relationship initially because I saw  erratic behaviour as she kept changing arrangements on me. When I called her out on it she told me one week that she had to see her psychic before she could see me. So I walked away on the grounds that we had different values and preoccupations. However, the sex had been great between us and that made me go back to her. She declared that she was looking for a 20 year relationship and wanted to get married. Instead of realising that my earlier gut instinct was correct, I agreed to give the relationship a go because sex was great and she made me laugh and we appeared to get on well.

Other red flags were that she was quite bitchy about people including my ex wife and telling me that I’d had an upgrade by meeting her. I find that anybody who has this kind of misanthropic attitude towards family and friends is likely going to be trouble down the line. Had I not been embroiled in the legal thing which made me lean on her more, I would never have allowed her to move in. However, I was so relieved when the issue went away and so grateful for her support that I determined to see how we went with the co-habiting. That was a terrible decision and one I never should have made.

I did the same with my last ex. I saw questionable behaviour and instead of walking away which would have meant no connection, I overlooked it because I wanted her and ignored the consequences which then lead to my marriage ending and becoming suicidal when she became angry at me and instigated silent treatment. That has essentially been my pattern. I don’t protect myself like any right thinking person would. I always take the risk. I see it as a combination between irresponsibility, co-dependency and an inability to deny myself gratification. It’s addiciton.

How quickly are you jumping into sex with these women?  It seems like that's the hook for you and you aren't getting to know them for a period of time before getting into bed with them.

Exactly right. I had a conversation about this with my AA sponsor today and we were talking about how Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) suggest you go on 13 dates with someone before jumping into bed with them. I’ve never done that in my life. 3 or 4 dates at most and more likely on the first or second date. My sexual behaviour has been addictive all my life and I know that then triggers love addiction. With that kind of addictive nature I’m always going to be susceptible to women who move fast both from sex to love. In this current case she pushed the agenda strongly from the beginning. The other big mistake I make is always thinking I’m in control and can handle whatever happens. History has shown me that nothing could be further from the truth. Once the relationship starts turning toxic as it always does with the kind of women I’m attracted to, then my emotional state deteriorates and I’m stressed and anxious beyond all measure. My nerves have taken a beating, I need considerable time on my own to heal.

RF: from the things ive been through and the types ive encountered, my new way of living is I expect the worst for someone from the outset and let them prove me wrong. In other words, not paranoid - still give a chance, but do it from a position of let trust be earned rather than automatic. There are some very fast talkers out there, a product of "the streets" it is a type of university degree or expertise in and of itself. If you want that sort of relationship you have to be even more switched on than they are.

Its not to say that cant have a wild-girl relationship because all of them are out only to profit or gain, but there are those and worse than that, so it is as you say a risk.

Well done to be on a path towards the step-programme. I think what ultimately saved my skin in the BPD relationship was becoming in her words "the soberest person she knew". I took it as a compliment, but I wonder more now, if it made me less attractive due to being more stronger and switched on, less controllable.

im sure youll make it to your goals, learn from the life experience, you have a lot to draw on and share with others, thanks, there is streetwise yourself - use it when needed :) Take care of yourself and All the best. Crom

Cromwell,

Thank you and I totally get where you’re coming from. The lady is definitely one of the wild girls you talk about and you’re right to say trust is earned rather than given. My friends always tell me I’m too trusting. Despite becoming embroiled with so many of these disordered women, none of them have done me any lasting financial damage but the emotional destruction is off the charts. That’s what I’m reeling from and will now take good care of myself. I’m already doing things differently. I’ve banned myself from any kind of activity that might trigger me. I’ve set my bottom lines.

The streetwise school of life is where I originate but somewhere down the road I turned into a risk taking marshmallow. I need to toughen up in a healthy way and keep myself protected. That means listening to my gut instincts when I know somebody is likely to be bad for me and not get involved. These kind of women for me are like taking heroin: dangerous and not much of a future to it! All the best to you too.