BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

My husband and I are feeling so trapped right now. Our 14 year old daughter has bpd and we are sinking. It has been years of trying to get the right help from specialists. Over that time, she has dropped deeper into her behaviours. My husband and I are currently in a parenting group learning DBT skills, however, our daughter isn't seeing anyone yet or participating in a skills group. She has been on a wait list for 5 months. Hoping to get her into her programming in May. In the meantime, we are just trying to get by "day by day". I cannot tell you how much drama and distress is acted out on a daily/weekly basis. We know some of the skills we need to incorporate, but her patterned behaviours are so strong. We really feel at a lose and quite hopeless a lot of the time. COVID hasn't helped things since she isn't in full time school and we continue to live in a some level of lockdown. I feel so tired. I feel trapped. There is SO much more I could share, but I will stop there. I want to throw in the towel, but where would that leave my daughter? Thank you for listening.

I'm glad you have come here to tell us just a little of how things are for you. We all understand the distress you are experiencing and the exhaustion from dealing with it day in, day out.

I can relate strongly to wanting to throw the towel in - but not being able to.

I've been in my room all day because BPD d has run out of dope and is withdrawing so the verbal abuse is terrible. I did venture out for a short while to the lounge room, but after an extended burst of abuse I have made my way back to the room - with a cuppa!

Is there any way you can get short breaks when you can put your mind to something else? The journey is a long one, and it is good to start now caring for yourself, even in some small way.

BPD has such a way of locking us in to the emotional turmoil of the other.

I have read many posts here and people talk a lot about caring for yourself, and they have many different ways that they do this.

But I am not sure of the details of what you are dealing with and therefore how you could start creating a small space where you can breathe and put all this pain aside for just a short while.

PS I think my move back into the room is better as she has come out of hers and gone back in without swearing at me or slamming the door!

Wow. You get me. Thank you.

How old is your daughter? As you know, ours is 14. Sadly, she is also very attached to pot to help her manage her anxiety and unhappiness. We feel kind of sick about allowing this, but it has minimized her self harm and has limited her use of other, scarier drugs. Harm reduction, I guess. But we still feel badly because she is so young and has a developing brain.

In terms of self care, I hear you. It is critical for both my husband and I to take time out from our home life when we can, otherwise we get locked into the intensity which wears us out. I am actually going to a cottage for two days, starting tomorrow. My cousin has a place not too far from the city and he has generously offered it to me. I am going by myself. I feel like I also need a break from my husband. I am looking forward to reading and walking in nature. We live in a busy city - the quiet of nature will be very calming for me. I hope!

Thank you so much for you words. I would be curious to hear more about your life with your daughter. I feel like we are doing far too much reinforcing of negative patterns i.e. pot, but we feel like our hands are often tightly tied.

Reach out again if you have the time. Thank you.

I made this account to answer you. I could have written exactly what you wrote. I don't have an answer and I don't know what to do. I feel like all I can do is to keep her safe long enough for her to recognize that she needs help and wants to stop this craziness. Until then I am trying to stay healthy and manage the day to day crises.

My daughter has had a therapist for 7 years and we are on a DBT waiting list as well. If you come across anything that's been helpful, please let me know. I will do the same.

I have to head to work soon, but I will be back in touch soon. I do have ideas and I love being able to share with someone in a similar boat. We so often feel alone with our situation.

Thank you for reaching out to me initially - so very appreciated.

More soon...