BPDFamily.com

My father had a meltdown yesterday regarding my boundaries. He becomes belligerent when I set them or hold him accountable to what he said he'd do. Projections, shaming, threats to end the relationship and financial ties etc. These meltdowns are particularly triggering of ptsd for me and it only makes me want more distance. I cannot give him what he wants (which is constant involvement and emotional support from me) and I don't know if this is even workable at all. I don't know how to move forward. I'm feeling overwhelmed and scared. These flareups trigger deep childhood wounds for me and it's really painful. Last night he said he'd rather not talk to me at all then every two weeks (which is about how often I call him.) Even that is challenging for me because he's always pushing me for more. Any words of support would be helpful. Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My therapist told me that the expected behavior from someone with BPD when given a boundary is that they will be upset (hence the threats, etc). Once I understood that this is how the disorder works, I was not caught off guard when it happened, I was anticipating it.

Still, it's important to hold firm to your boundary. You can tell him you love him and he is important to you, but that your boundary holds firm. And then hopefully you can allow yourself to focus on other parts of your life. I know, easier said than done.

I can hear the distress in your writing MissT.  You aren't alone, but now have a whole community of people who can understand.
Miss T, can you share with us what you said to him that "set him off"?  Maybe we can help.  One of the things it took me a while to figure out and accept once joining this community, is that the normal ways of communicating with the rest of the world don't apply to a pwBPD, because all the "normal" things we do, tend to make a BPD more reactive to us, which makes the BPD behaviors worse.  So all the strategies you use with co-workers friends etc., you probably won't use with your dad.  It takes a while to get the hang of new strategies such as SET, asking validating questions, and not JADEing.  But in my case, I've been learning and practicing this for close to 2 years, and it really does make a difference.  It doesn't change their BPD, but it's a healthy way for us of reducing and managing the conflict that results when interacting with a high conflict personality.

Yes yes yes.   yes yes yes

You are right.  You can't give him what he wants.  I can't give my mom what she wants either.  None of us can, because it's impossible.  And trying just puts us in a black hole that we can never get out of.  So the only thing you can change in this situation, is how you react to him.  This is where the communication tools such as SET, asking validating questions, and not JADEing come in.  Also, most of us who are children of BPD's have been trained to be caretakers of their emotions.  They want us to feel their pain, and be responsible for it.  People on this site were kind enough to point out to me, that it was time for me to separate my feelings from my mom's.  Does this resonate with you?  

It can get better Miss T.
 Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (SWOE)?  A lot of us start with this book.  I've read quite a few books which have been super helpful.  There's a book list on this site which you might find helpful.  

Sigh. This is predictable...  

There are things you can do to manage this.  Personally, I would suggest starting with SET, asking validating questions, and not JADEing with him.  And be patient with these new tools, as Rome wasn't built in a day, and it takes us a while to get skilled in using these tools.  But they really work.  :hug:  Meanwhile, be kind to yourself, and by this I mean engage in lots of  meaningful self-care.  Give yourself some separation from him for a while, to let yourself recover from this latest conflict.  Feel yourself again, and stronger, before you venture interacting with him again. 

I can feel in my heart how it feels to have your father dump his distressed feelings on you in such a ballistic meltdown. It seems he wants all or nothing, and is doing everything to fight against your low contact while you are doing everything you can to have a relationship with your father that is emotionally safer for you. Many of us on PSI have walked in your shoes as we try to figure out what works best for us with our disordered family members. I have many disordered family members including a sister with NPD, a deceased mother with BPD, and a brother with BPD. I decided to go low contact with my mother in the last years of her life. I am now low contact with both of my siblings. I want to go fully no contact with my NPD sister when all the legal problems with the siblings are settled, as she will never stop taking revenge on me for not worshipping her the way she feels she deserves. I am undecided about the future of the relationship with my brother with BPD. Know whatever decision you make about the relationship with your father, you do not have to decide everything right now. Some members have gone no contact for periods of time, so they can heal and feel stronger, and then have tried low contact again which has sometimes worked while others have found it better to go no contact again. We are here to support you and listen. I know the distress from such a terrible meltdown from a close family member can last for quite some time, not being able to sleep, feeling upset most of the day. How are you doing today?