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Does anyone feel like drinking aggravates the BPD? My DH is not an alcoholic by any means. maybe a couple of drinks. But when he has hard liquor like Whisky his mood swings either immediately or within 24 hours. His conspiracy theories against me and the kids are in full swing and he feels like he is being ignored/dis-respected/not valued.

 

For sure. 

A former girlfriend who was probably NPD as much as BPD would exhibit a completely different personality when either drinking or smoking Marijuana.  The combination of the two was a disaster.  On one night, she called me up claiming a woman was trying to kidnap her son, and that I needed to go with her to help get him back.  I picked her up at the place where she had been drinking, and as it turns out her son had been spending the night at a friend's house, and the mom told her to not come pick him up until she was sober.  On the way home she got mad at her son, accused him of trying to conspire with this woman in his own kidnapping, then tried to take off her clothes and climb out of the car window.  I spent the next 6 hours trying to get her to calm down and keep her occupied so that her son could go into his room and get some sleep. 

My current BPD wife definitely changes if she drinks, but she becomes less aggressive.  Other behaviors come out - weird ideas that make no sense, really dark thoughts, etc. 

"weird ideas that make no sense, really dark thoughts, etc" - that's exactly what happens here.

He starts this evening drinking and suddenly says I feel overwhelmed. He had Scotch last night and again this evening. I told him that’s the reason he feels like that. He says when you stop spending money on amazon he will stop drinking. There is absolutely no connection and no rhyme or reason to say that.
Oh then. Don’t be my mother. My mother is dead and I don’t need another one.
So frustrating!

For sure it makes no sense.  My wife uses Marijuana, although she claims medically.  She clearly has a high consumption, and consumes to the point of "checking out".  She technically uses it for "pain", but clearly it only marginally helps with that.  She also uses it to control anxiety, but I think it actually makes the anxiety worse in the long term.  She is clearly dependent.  Even she would admit this.  And she has also told me sometimes that my behavior (or the kids) makes her have to use.  That's just not true.

Prior to that, she was 13 years sober.  When she first started using again, I tried to control her use, or at least make her aware of the consequences.  But she is already well aware, so me trying to control it is just a waste of my time and causes more stress.  Instead I try to have boundaries around it.  1) she has to do it outside 2) She doesn't drive for a few hours after using 3) she needs to budget her own money on how much she spends 4)that I don't want to make decisions for her regarding this.  For the most part, that's gone okay.  She feels a lot of shame over her use - but that is not my problem.

Alanon/Naranon was a big help for me here. 

I will have to try with the boundaries, unless he is in a rage he usually stops at 2. But your story sounds so familar. Me and the girls have also been blamed for his drinking. Thank you for your respond, it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one.

alcohol can excite or exacerbate any mental health issue.

a lot of people initially drink too much because they find that it alleviates symptoms. ultimately, it tends to make them worse.

for sure, hard liquor is going to hit faster, stronger, and differently.


there really isnt reasoning or arguing with someone who has had too much to drink. i dont think that this approach is likely to be constructive.


if youre going to use this approach, try it in a time of calm (not when hes been drinking), and look for a point at which its relevant. for example, its okay to talk about how it makes you feel when hes had too much. try to avoid judgment and use "i statements" but get across that it makes you feel uneasy/unsafe.

then try to discuss a sort of system...kinda like a safe word. you might try to work together if possible on limits to the drinking. failing that, things like doing it outside, not doing it in front of the children, etc, if you can reach agreement on these sorts of things, really helps. the point is to, if possible, approach it as a team, and, failing that, have a plan in place that youve communicated.

be advised that a problem drinker may not be the most cooperative partner in terms of solutions, and that even when they are, if theyve had too much to drink, all of that may go out the window when theyve had too much, and thats where that plan, that accountability system comes in.

Yes, have noticed this too. I honestly never know how my uBPDbf will be when he drinks - after the first few drinks, he's happy and making jokes and overall having a great time. Once it passes a certain threshold (and when he wants to drink, nobody is stopping him and he will blow up at you if you try), he either becomes explosive and angry over the smallest thing, or becomes melancholy with dark thoughts. He's also gotten extremely paranoid and manic - jumpy and reacting to my every word (even if I'm just talking to the cat), pacing around and moving things around in the house, constantly asking what I'm doing if I'm sitting there reading or texting someone.

It's times when he's drunk that he's accused me of trying to sneak men through the window (we used to live on the 6th floor), even through the bathroom window that the cat can barely fit through, and there are NO stairs outside of that. He's also mistaken my mom's voice for another man's voice when I sent him videos when I was with my mom. Or he will start bringing up and raging over my past mistakes. Or he will start overthinking things, somehow decide I wasn't where I said I was, and there's been a couple of times where he's just grabbed my phone and read through everything while I was sleeping, or locked himself in the room to do it.

I get really nervous when he drinks - I never know if he'll become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. And of course, there is no reasoning with a belligerent drunk. I've explained to him that I don't care if he wants to have drinks with friends or even with me, but it's the person that he may become while/after drinking that makes me nervous.

Same, all the same.  He comes out with these weird ‘questions’ about my past, and then demands I answer him and when I refuse his anger spikes.  I hadn’t seen this behavior in awhile because he has been on a strict diet and not drinking much but a couple weeks ago he had quite a lot to drink and started interrogating me at the end of dinner about a trip I went on with someone 10 years, a few years before we even met. It was very shocking and upsetting.

Thankfully my husband doesn’t drink often, but I am clearly on edge when he does.

Good luck to you all!

There is sadly a strong correlation between mental illness and substance abuse. As a 'non' I kind of get it, alcohol being a dis-inhibtor Im sure initially it provides instant relief to any emotional distress. Problem of course is it is ultimately a depressant and therefore likely to increase distress. It is a maladaptive coping mechanism, never solves a problem and puts added stress on any relationship.

The line between problem drinking and mental illness is a very thin one I suspect, I know my pwPBD drinks when feeling overwhelmed or stressed and then either rages or sinks into total avoidance for long periods.

This of course affects me in several ways, initially anger and it takes a lot of self-control not to confront him whilst he is intoxicated (which is never going to end well) I find detachment is the way to help me, but as we all know that is not always easy.

Maybe Al anon? You need to get yourself support to strengthen your coping skills and set boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. You are unlikely to make headway with the BPD while there is substance abuse.

I think yes. My hubs would definitely become much more aggressive and make bad decisions about driving under the influence, raged... things escalated to the point where he was definitely an alcoholic and was drunk days on end. Our child couldn’t rouse him and became scared crying. This was the breaking point and I did say that he needed to address this because I wouldn’t subject our child to this anymore nor would I watch him destroy himself I loved him too much for that. To his credit he took the steps to become sober and it did help a lot though of course it didn’t make the crises go away or anything.

My BPD wife is 1.5 years sober.  The drinking got to the point of being dangerous.  She would get violent and very unpredictable.  She would then 'blame' her cheating because of the booze.  She walked away from detox twice and after the second time she had a very short amount of time to contact AA or a counselor.  She went to AA and at first 5 days a week but now she doesn't go at all.  She went through 3 AA sponsors who she blames for them walking away from her.

I thought the weird behavior would stop when she stopped drinking but it didn't.  She constantly does crazy things (such as paint her nice looking, silver car with black house paint) and when I try to talk to her about it, she tells me I am the only one that makes her want to drink.

Please be careful, especially when they are drinking.  It's very easy for them to become addicted to this (imo).  They tend to have impulsive behaviors and alcohol just intensifies it.

IMO you really should look at boundaries with this.  Her drinking destroyed my daughter emotionally.