BPDFamily.com

Hello, I've been married for nineteen years and just recently learned about BPD. After reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook, I understood my situation.
My wife is insanely jealous and doesn't trust me. I have never had an affair, but she insists that I had several.
She stopped working a few years ago and hates being home, but does nothing to get a job. She blames me for not helping her do it, but attacks me every time I try.
She calls me at work, just to argue. I have had to leave important meetings just to hear her complaints on the phone. She even went to my office and yelled that I was a traitor. Fortunately it was a slow day and most of my coworkers were out.
I cannot go out with a friend, not even to lunch, because the fallout is heavy.
She searches through my emails, social media, cellphone, closet, photos or anything she wants. I have no personal space.
The behavior started before our marriage but I didn't detect it, at least consciously. However, very soon in our marriage, I lost most of my physical desire for her. I now think that it may have been a consequence of having someone supervise my every single move. I just couldn't make love to my jailer.
I detached from my friends because she had to approve them, whether they were going to visist us or go out with us. They had to be married couples with children. Better if they liked to dance.
Almost every saturday she gets the urge to go out and "be around people," so I must comply.
We have two children. My older daughter, 18 years old, hates her for not respecting her privacy and for her control. My wife blames me for their broken relationship. She claims I let our daughter do anything she wants, while she disciplines her. It's not true and it's not my fault. In turn, she always showed love to our 15 year old son, with whom she has a wonderful relationship. I have a great relationship with my daughter and son because I have given them my time and love.
I have given all my time to my family, and little for me, and not only have I not been thanked by my wife, but instead I have been criticized.for years.
I left last week for some time off from my wife. I'm staying at our second home, three hours away, with my daughter, and we have lived in peace this week. My wife has called me twice but I haven't answered, just a text in whatsapp saying that I'm ok, not upset at her, not looking for another woman, but not ready to talk.
It looks like I may have to divorce my wife. I come from a broken home, and swore it would not happen to me. But it did. I feel guilty for putting my children through so many fights and for not having a loving environment. I gave them everything I could, but it wasn't enough.
My wife has many good things that I will have to give up if I leave her, and that makes me hesitate. She can be charming, fun, smart, pretty and cheerful too.
I am enlightened to understand my case, but conflicted because of its consequences to me, my children and my wife. Thank you for reading this long text.

as long as youre in the relationship/cohabitating, it would be a good idea to post on this board (Bettering). it may seem counterintuitive, but you can still work out how to end the relationship here, if thats what you decide to do. Detaching is just more for members that are at least a month out of their relationship and well into the grieving process.

dealing with a jealous partner is hard (my ex was one). really hard. exhausting. and the snooping can feel really invasive.

to reverse the trajectory of your relationship would take an enormous amount of work. its possible, but it would take sustained, consistent, intensive effort and improvement would likely be slow, over a long period of time. there are a lot of dynamics at play that make it very difficult for your relationship to thrive, or for you, personally, to thrive.

for example, when you love a difficult person like someone with bpd, a strong support system is vital. when friends and loved ones are missing from the picture, it can feel incredibly isolating, and it can really wear you down. at this point, it would be challenging to reverse that sort of dynamic; its been in place for a very long time, and it would definitely rock the boat, and you admittedly fear the fallout. and thats the case when it comes to most of what is at odds with your marriage. its difficult to know where to start or what improvement would look like.

so what particularly led you to leave the house?