BPDFamily.com

Since daughter was born, I knew something was not right.  Hard to comfort, cried almost all the time.  Unable to self-soothe.  Didn't sleep thru the night until age 2 and even after that, there was HUGE separation anxiety.  Also noticed sensory integration issues which at first I chalked up to her being picky about her socks being 'on right' - until we had literal battles and episodes if the 'toe' was not lined correctly - more than our eldest or any other child we ever met did.  Also, noted that she would literally get overwhelmed and throw up from different 'scents' even normal pleasant scents like 'Sugar Cookie' candle.  We ended up tossing out all candles.  Anything that seemed 'too much'..just was...too much?  At 6 months when I was way past any exhaustion like I went through with eldest, I read 'all the books' about getting your child to sleep through the night.  I finally sat on the other side of the door to her room and listened to her cry and sob for FOUR hours straight until I heard her throwing up.  I pushed open the door to her room, picked her up and resolved never to try that again.  Husband just thought she was colicky/maybe difficult..I'd have to ask him again to be honest.  She is in late 20's and the journey has been so hard, so painful..that some of my recollections are vague but many stand out in horrific/stark contrast.  Husband's Aunt, whom I adore helped watch her when I returned to work after '6 weeks'.  I remember her calling me in shock as daughter literally at 6 weeks of age would NOT nap during day.  She'd max out at maybe 2 - 20 to 30 minute naps..and then be awake and curious or frustrated or inquiring or crying - she required...constant interaction/entertainment/holding?  I kept wondering if we were spoiling her.  Most nights/days were a blur but I often held her to give us both rest.  I was working 50+, 60+ hrs and had over an hr commute ea way to work - there were many mornings i was so exhausted my car veered off the road.  I went from sleeping in the master bed with husband to sleeping on couch during the very rough 2 first years to sleeping with her until she was 5 as I was desperate for sleep and was terrified of hurting someone else driving with such exhaustion and/or dying myself in a wreck.

Aunt was a blessing as she had a way with daughter, but daughter had no other social interactions.  She was so so so smart.  Husband had her doing basic multiplication at 3 yrs of age.  Our eldest was super smart but youngest hit milestones just as early (and they BOTH hit milestones super early - eldest graduated high school in top 1% of class, had bachelor's, 2 masters and 2 partial PhD's if she should ever decide to 'finish' - sharing this to illustrate how SMART youngest way though).  Youngest had big social issues from the get go.  She'd come running back across the street after playing with neighbor girls (they WERE brats and kind of mean to be honest) but she'd be yelling with a scream/wail of outrage..something I had never seen another kid do.  Hurt crying..yes...a small wail...I don't know how to explain - it's like every emotion was AMPLIFIED and we were drowning in SOUND.  She was afraid of SO many things - her barbie jeep she was afraid to drive, didn't like the sound.  Very tender headed to the point where she got banned from a hair salon at age 5 when they attempted to curl her hair for 1st dance recital (Aunt took her, I wouldn't have).  She screamed & wailed so loud that they told Aunt (it was a salon she'd gone to for years) that daughter was not permitted back.

Man, how do I catch up everyone up to a lifetime of chasing an answer...hoping to help a child who to this day is desperately sad/miserable/angry/loving/hateful/manipulative/kind/unkind ...and even get to asking "omg...what do i do now as I don't think I can do this anymore?"

Trying to condense..she was also highly unorganized...to extent that her 3rd or 4th grade teacher made us come in and organize her desk and locker as it was 'unacceptable' - looking back I'm thinking..why the heck did I let a teacher MAKE US do this?  I didn't like that teacher at all to start with.  When 'tooth fairy' didn't give her as much money as a neighbor kid, she literally CUT UP the money with scissors.  (I think she was between 7 & age 9).  When mad at me once around this same time, she cut up a necklace I loved wearing. :(

When she started school, it was even worse...I wish I had held her back as she is young going into her 'grade' plus she had been doted on by her Great Aunt but no socialization.  She talked like a miniature adult before age 2 which one friend said to me "I know this is going to sound weird, but it is creepy to hear her talk like an almost grown adult when she is so young".  This was not the 1st time we heard that.  This also made her stand out with other kids until she got older and they caught up with her.  Unlike eldest, youngest wanted to do easy way out so academically, she started ranking in middle of the pack which was no reflection of her ability at all.  As eldest was super self driven and it did not come 'easy'..we literally begged her to quit trying to be at top of everything..but she was determined..multiple accolades came her way which made things worse as youngest was resentful and then decided she just wasn't as smart as eldest (could not have been further from truth.  Having a super competitive/high achieving eldest, 5 years between them (lost a child in between them)..and a youngest who seemed so miserable, I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind. 

In intermediate school she had a teacher 'team' - the only team where there were 2 teachers that 'taught' together.  They were fabulous and after a long sit in on 1st day of school (youngest started getting bullied for being a crybaby, etc. in 2nd grade) because they assigned her to a class with some of the same bullies (I had already had to resort to yearly emails to the school district - technically you could not request a teacher but you could state the names of some of the bullies and they were to try to NOT put your kid in the same class with them.  Did my yearly email, to my dismay on 1st day of school as we walked her to class, there were 2 of her worst bullies.  We walked her back down to Principal and had a stand-off for over an hour.  Principal grudgingly put her in with this teaching duo.  They were wonderful.  They were kind to daughter.  They noticed her social issues.  They talked to me gently about getting her some help.  At school she was never 'in trouble'.  She seemed to bottle everything up and explode when she got home - I think they used to call it the witching hour in a forum I belonged to decades ago.  I grudgingly took her to 1st psychiatrist.  He did stupid tests, didn't explain much, asked her current president, president before that, and president BEFORE that ---I was like WHAT?  She actually got it correct though.  Then he sat a paper cone/cup that used to come with water coolers on top of her head - omg..I don't know why i didn't ask "what the heck are you doing?".  Maybe he was seeing if it would irritate her.  She didn't do much.  He asked questions, I answered explaining all of her 'background' that I've given here.  He finally said...I don't think she has ADHD...maybe ADD, Inattention...but I think she has bipolar 2 (first time I had ever heard of 'bipolar 2..'..didn't know there was a '2').  Then the IDIOT said in front of my YOUNG daughter, it's a good thing to know now because there is a high rate of suicide when they hit their teens if they are not medicated right.  I stood up, grabbed daughter's hand and we marched out to the car.  I was horrified that he would even mention SUICIDE around such a young child, in such a cavalier way.  Mentioning PRIVATELY to me would have been different.  I just want to weep even typing this memory, as I held her hand and we walked to the car, my little girl said quietly "Mama, am I crazy?".  I choked down anguish that welled up in my throat and heart and said "No, baby...that doctor was crazy...YOU are not".   

Also to note: youngest was sick CONSTANTLY..and I mean constantly. Moreso than other children.  We were constantly at doc's, on antibiotics, super high fevers, at one point she had 105.2 and I raced to get her into lukewarm bath (on phone with dr)...but high fevers became a 'thing'.  Just looking at this small segment of my youngest's life makes me so incredibly sad.  She never seemed to be able to catch a break and there is nothing more difficult than watching your child suffer on so many multiple fronts - sick all the time, bullied, "different"...then seeing multiple docs..seeing shrinks..being put on meds...the research, the side effects, the fears..the agony of watching them struggle and hurt, the fighting with your spouse as they just believe that youngest is 'spoiled' and there is no such thing as bipolar and if there is, the 'child' certainly doesn't have it. 

Going to skip chunks of history, went to at least 6 pediatric psychiatrists over the next decade+ - every single one came back with same diagnosis:  Anxiety (GAD), BP II, Inattention ADD.  As she hit puberty, I worried she would switch to Bipolar I as this was thought at the time to sometimes happen but she didn't - never saw ANY episode of mania EXCEPT for the one time when before she was put on Bipolar meds, primary dr. had her on antidepressant as she had a 'death' theme going on (moreso than phase eldest went thru) - it was Lexapro. It seemed to help for all of 2 weeks, then NOTHING.  Talked to primary and agreed to stop medicine (she was on low dose as we hadn't even 'titrated' up yet).  I stopped it and within a day, she was literally running all over the house -with eldest and I watching in shock and she literally seemed to be on 'speed'...it was such wild behavior.  I remember reading after that (on what used to be the Child and Adolescent Bipolor Foundation - CABF) that this could be a hallmark sign that the child was not depressed per se..or not just depressed, but a signal of a mood disorder. 

Rest of school years were mostly miserable. Considering removing her and she freaked.  Constantly afraid of ANY change - good or bad.  Flash forward to now, she went into treatment center 2 years ago when trying to finish Bachelor's, they diagnosed as BPII AND POSSIBLE borderline.  Daughter already was a 'label collector' plus as social work MAJOR so she become very skilled in terminology.  Our marriage has almost collapsed so many times.  Both daughters wonder why we are still together.  I know how hard having any child with "issues/special needs"..fill in the blank can be on a good marriage and we had a strained marriage from early on.  We made SO many mistakes...and now we are being told she has borderline personality disorder.  She had shared 2 years ago she was terrified she might have 'something else' but wouldn't tell me what.  Well, she finally did and I thought.."this has GOT to be better than bipolar 2!  Maybe she doesn't even have BP II and she can get off all the meds that are NOT helping (she's been unstable for years but cannot find another psychiatrist plus she has always feared med changes..I don't blame her, but she'll stay on huge meds that are NOT Helping...rather than switch).  Now I've read enough on borderline to realize or think I realize that it seems WORSE than BPII. 

She has changed since this diagnosis...it feels weird in that I often wonder if she is simply mimicking the diagnosis or if the diagnosis is REAL.  I no longer trust her.  She manipulates, blames, shames...she pits her Dad and I against each other and did this WAY before showing or 'mimicking' some of the borderline personality 'traits'.   She NEVER EVER used to disassociate that I ever saw but after getting diagnosed ' she would then have 'episodes' in front of us that weNEVER saw prior to her being given another 'label'.  She is in therapy and has been and we've warned therapist about her being a label collector but therapist just says 'well that is part of borderline'..um..ok...but she was NOT showing SOME of the 'list of symptoms' until AFTER you guys gave her another dang label. 

She was allowing husband and I to meet with her therapist a couple times a month to better understand her 'disorder' and how to help her.  I thought her very brave for doing so.  However, I have managed to anger her through a poor choice I made and all h*ll has broken loose, she has rescinded her permission for us to meet with her therapist and she is on an active campaign against me with her Dad - telling him things I've said and didn't say, especially SO out of context.  We had just, in past 5 to 7 years managed to decide to get past the mistakes we both made early in our marriage, to quit the blame game or 'who hurt the other more" and decided we wanted to move past it and enjoy our later years together.  This seems to...threaten her?  We've also made the horrible mistake of agreeing with our adult children about each of our shortcomings.  Parents, whether you are still married or divorced, presenting a united front has got to be key.  Don't do as we did and cave in to the desire to vent with your adult children about the 'other parent'.  This is what other adults are for..adults that are NOT your kids. 

So now, easter is approaching which also happens to be her bday..due to a mistake I made...after my blood pressure bottomed out and I fell and sprained both knees, wrenched an ankle and got a mild concussion...and drama that followed that injury..where my husband and I got mad at each other..now daughter is mad at me, hasn't spoken to me in 4 or 5 days...and is actively saying horrible things about me to husband...I am literally at my end.  I sent her flowers and a sincere apology.  I never meant to hurt her, or cause her to be hurt...but am literally stunned.  She told her Dad she doesn't believe "Mom will ever change".  I'm like me?  I'm always trying to change..always trying to be better.  Life has humbled me...loss of my parents and best friend of 20 years has humbled me.  I am so far from perfect, it is sad.  I was a decent parent..but not a good one.  I have so many regrets that if I think about them to much, I literally cannot keep moving.  One thing though, I loved both of my children fiercely and gave all that I had and more to give them want they needed and some of what they wanted..maybe a lot of what they wanted.  I messed up my marriage multiple times.  We argued in front of kids.  I'm terrified of husband calling daughter 'one last time today' to try and appeal to her to move past this recent/newest 'issue' with me.  I'm worried at what else she will say to try and 'sway' him against me.  I'm worried that after this most recent injury that I had and husband and I finally working past it and opening up about 2 key things in our pasts and being honest about what each of us wanted and needed, that daughter will find a way to say/do something to try to stir up a hornet's nest again.  I would not let her but husband is..maybe more easily distracted by her manipulations and due to some poor choices I made (and yes, husband made some poor choices too...he is human..we both are)...that he will flip too easily into believing her..so we will be set right back to where we were before. 

Daughter's cruel comments have rocked my world.  I'm terrified of what she'll say next.  I'm so tired of all of this.  I have no hope left.  None. 

I think nearly everyone on this site can identify with 'I am so tired of all this'.

Our journeys are exhausting - and that's just one of the words that we can use to describe them! You do get to a point where you can look back over your whole journey with all the steps along the way that are tucked away in your memory almost as moments of shock or pain. I have several moments of the times my BPD d was terribly treated by adults who should have known better - and  I still feel the same anger as I did all those years ago.

As I read your post at the beginning, it seemed to me your daughter might have had sensory processing disorder, then as I read along, the autism spectrum came to mind  . . . . .

This was the same with me. I struggled to come up with the answer to the signs I was seeing, and I think the complexity of BPD can often intertwine with the signs and symptoms of other illnesses.

I am assuming your daughters are in their 20s? Do either of them live at home with you?

If you are able to step back just for even a few days to take stock of where you are now, you might be able to see and plan a way forward.

For example, it sounds as though you and your husband came through rough times but had found a way to be on the same page. I think people here would say that this is so important - something to be worked at, making sure your daughter can't play one against the other. There are people here who can recommend reading etc or perhaps having counselling together with someone who understands BPD.

My BPD d blames me for everything - and has said terrible things about me and to my face. While it still hits me for six when it happens I can now more quickly remind myself that I have done the best I could. I made the decisions in the past that seemed right at that time. I did not cause BPD, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.

The other wisdom that you find here is the importance of nurturing yourself and your life with your husband.

I hope you keep coming here and can find a way forward that can bring back a sense of hope in your heart.

Your post is as though I am living my own life.
It is so similar its scary ... from baby to adulthood and everything in between.( the sock issue really brought me back)

The only difference is my daughter is not doing anything. Cant manage school, work, nothing.

I very much feel the same way about the diagnosis day. Its as if she googled BPD and became much the poster child for it.
I loathe the person who told her and wonder what would be if she didnt know.

She is back living with us, total nightmare.
Yes, you are correct there is no more hope, just getting through day.