BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I would like to ask for some advice and opinions on a matter as I have no other way to talk to anyone about this. (My family doesn't know my partner has BPD)

Backstory: I've been dating her online for 6 months now (oct till now) and spending everyday on call with each other from when we wake to when we sleep (timezone difference has been difficult as I've been sleeping early to wake up and spend time with her) and I cannot physically go visit her as she lives in another country (with covid going on we don't know when we can see each other).

The first 2 months of the relationship was great (she told me she had BPD early on in the relationship but I took BPD too lightly) but after she went home for christmas she split more often (her parents have invalidated her for her entire life) so we nearly broke up.

I stayed because I really love her but for the months after I've felt like i've been losing myself more and more as I spent more time with her. I've stopped talking with my friends, stopped doing things that I liked to prioritise spending time with her. I feel like I have been isolated.

After thinking about everything. I've suggested to her that I wanted to spend time to do things on my own to improve myself and go back to my hobbies, she also agrees but I can see the pain in her eyes every time I even suggest it and I feel so guilty for wanting time for myself. She told me that if and when I want to spend time doing stuff alone she'll either just sit there in turmoil and wait for me to return or start detaching herself (because she believes that we already don't spend enough time as it is with timezones). I don't know what to do... Am I being delusional and selfish for wanting some time for myself? Is it too late to set boundaries now? What should I do? Please help!

This is a very common issue with people with BPD and many members have found themselves isolated from family and friends, and having let go of activities they previously enjoyed.

You will have to be vigilant with your boundaries so this does not happen to you.

Being with someone with BPD tends to lead to unhealthy relationships. Here’s an article about healthy relationships. See if yours has any resemblance.   https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

Now, you are long distance. Imagine how this might be even more extreme if you live in the same area.

Here’s another member who is going through a similar situation with his girlfriend.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348807.0

be more subtle about it.

if the two have of you have spent the entire day talking for several months, almost any time spent doing anything else is a pretty dramatic shift.

dramatic shifts can be unsettling for any relationship (even with pets!), and especially our loved ones. she doesnt hear that you need time to yourself, she hears that you need time away from her. explaining the difference wont do you a lot of good. she may understand it intellectually, but feels very strongly about it. that will take some adjusting.

so, take baby steps. dont try to spend too much time apart at once. do it slowly.

in the meantime, be reassuring. be emotionally present when you are speaking together.

learn what works best with your partner. she may like to know ahead of time, she may need a lot of advanced notice, she may not. it may work best to plan when youll speak again, and if so, be consistent. dont be afraid to ask her what works best for her. it may take some trial and error.

at the same time, try to avoid having any further heavy conversations about it. dont make it too big of a "thing". start subtly easing into doing it.

No, you are not being delusional to want some time to yourself. I think this has to do with boundaries. A relationship involves two separate individuals. Yes, you are together but you are still you and she is still her. Difficulty with these boundaries can lead to this type of "battle" of boundaries.

I think we all compromise to some extent in a relationship-even though we should not "keep score" when there are healthy boundaries there's limits to this and some reciprocity. "Yes, I will watch this movie with you" might also be followed by " you pick the movie this time" the next time. There's also the ability to say "no"- "I have had a long day at work, I'd rather not watch a movie tonight" without consequences. Sure, the other person might be disappointed but if they have their own healthy boundaries they can respect yours.

What happens with poor boundaries is a series of appeasement, maybe each one not completely unreasonable but agreeing not because one is willing but because you are afraid to say no. This becomes a series of lying to yourself and over time, you do feel you have "lost yourself" because you have stopped listening to your own "voice". This feeling of wanting to go back to your hobbies, because you miss them, isn't wrong. It also doesn't mean you don't care about her. One doesn't exclude the other- at least on your part, you would like to make time for both. However, she's also a separate person with her own ideas and feelings. You each want what you want- it doesn't have to be that one of you is wrong and the other is right, but somehow this needs to be worked out without losing yourself.

Is it too late for boundaries? I don't think it's ever too late but in general, it's not an easy thing to do. That doesn't mean you should not set aside time for yourself if you feel you need it though.

Thank you for the replies and the links!

We discussed that I want to spend some time doing my hobbies and she agreed to support me! Today we spent some time alone for around 2 hours as I was still quite affected from her last split. I've felt anxious all day and I'm not entirely sure what to do. I felt her spiral yet again when we were spending time together after and I have no strength to comfort her as I am still in distress. Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do in this instance as this is my first relationship? Thank you!

This is your first relationship, and they can also be learning experiences. I think it's important to pay attention to your own feelings, regardless of any relationship. You don't just exist to comfort her or make her feel better. ( and vice versa). You exist in this relationship too.

If you are feeling uncomfortable and distressed, this is something to consider. Being in a new relationship with someone is also a time to decide if this is what you want for the long run or not. You don't have to decide now and I assume you don't want to decide. But if you are feeling distressed much of the time, you can choose if this is what you want to commit to, or not.

Self care is important, both in and out of a relationship. You seem self aware and can see that you are feeling anxious and emotionally drained in this situation. While you want to make things better for her consider that this is backwards- comforting her as a means to comfort yourself when it's you that needs it.

She mentioned she understands you need time for your self. Take some of this time to recharge. I would also keep a journal of your feelings and what about this situation makes you feel anxious and uneasy.

Notwendy
I really like the way you put this. I've never really considered to think about it that way. I've always been a person that considers others before myself so its quite challenging for me in this relationship. I'll do my best to take care of my needs!


I would like to ask is the journal for when she is split to write down how I'm feeling in order to not JADE or to analyse the situation after the so called event? Thank you for the responses! I find that having someone to talk to really does help!

The journal is to log your own feelings so you can make a decision about this relationship. You have mentioned you tend to put other people's feelings first and that you feel you have "lost yourself" in this relationship.

While the focus tends to go to the person with BPD having "the problem" - it actually is a relationship between two people who tend to have poor boundaries. There's a feeling of discomfort when someone is not respecting your boundaries.

Relationships tend to take a course. There is the initial "high" of the new relationship and the attraction. Eventually two people need to consider if they are compatible and if this is for the long run. At this point, I think it's important to be honest, with them, with yourself. Are you happy? Are you comfortable? Do you feel you can be honest? Are you walking on eggshells.

How will you know this if you aren't paying attention to your own feelings? It's not so you don't JADE or over analyze her- it's for you so you can pay attention and also look at the situation over the long term.

We don't tell posters to stay or leave. They have to figure this out for themselves. Someone who is married with children may have different considerations than someone who is single and dating. At some point you will make a choice about the relationship for the long run. You can then decide if this is working for you or not.