BPDFamily.com

Hi there!

Recently I have been doing some research on bpd as i think my girlfriend of 2 years may have a mild case of it. I do not want to randomly diagnose her with anything so I would love any advice on whether it seems she is experiencing this.

Some background info: Her dad is narcissistic and was very abusive throughout their childhood, they still speak every week or so and even though he is abusive she feels bad for him as he is an alcoholic and doesn't have friends. She is very perceptive and good at reading people's emotions just from little interactions, which is something that attracted me. She is also very sociable and does not like being on her own. She is very impulsive and more so when in a negative mood. She is also the most loving and caring person i have met and it breaks my heart to see her in a constant state of suffering.

Sometimes things will happen that trigger her, examples include: family disputes or physical sensations. When something happens that causes her to feel a strong emotion of injustice with her family, as a result of disagreement, she gets into a panic state and feels intense anger towards the person and can't see from other perspectives. She says she gets this feeling in her body and she has to let it out by hitting something for example. It seems she goes in circles in her head trying to justify that she has been victimised and that other people can't see it. When she is in this state I am very understanding and do my best to make her feel calm. When she comes out of this state, the next day for example, it seems the situation is completely forgotten about and she is a different person.

I feel like she is quite dependent on me to help her process her emotions which i think can get unhealthy pretty quick and i am finding her shifting mental states quite confusing. She mentions to me that she frequently gets intrusive thoughts and suicidal urges saying things like i just felt like walking into the road and getting hit by a bus, which i am unsure of how to respond to.

I love her loads and i do not want to start saying she has issues because i think she already tries very hard to keep her emotions under control in fear of causing me issues and being too much of a burden. I would appreciate any help whether this is bpd or not on what i should do.

Thanks in advance

That she has a parent with a personality disorder, is perceptive about other’s emotions, and has extreme emotional reactions all indicate that your hunch may be correct.

You sound like a very caring partner and you are wise to realize that your role is not to be the service provider to help her process her emotions, because that is hers to do alone. Should you try and function this way, your relationship will increasingly become more dysfunctional, as you realize.

As the “non” in the relationship, you need to be the emotional leader and the help you can offer is to let her deal with her own issues, but be a supportive listener.

With BPD, there is a lack of emotional development and the kindest thing we can often do is to step back and let our partners solve their issues themselves. Otherwise, it’s easy to get into a codependent cycle with them, which serves no one.

Here is an article that might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Hi,

Thank you so much for the quick response, you are doing amazing work with the support you provide!

I completely agree with your points about giving her the space to deal with her emotions on her own but at the same time being there for her. It also brings me the challenge of setting boundaries and being more firm, as I think I have the tendency to enjoy being needed by her, which serves no-one like you said!

I think meditation / mindfulness works really well in seeing from an objective viewpoint what is best for the situation, without personal tendancies having as much of an impact. The approach I think I will take is leading by example with how I respond to emotions and different situations and making sure that I help myself in order to help her!

Again thanks for the guidance, it is great that forums like this exist :)



 

She reminds me quite a bit of my ex which was officially diagnosed as BPD. So you may be correct.
You also remind me of my former self, a co-dependent by nature. Therapy helped me heal.
I agree with cat, be careful not turn into her psychologist. That is not your role.
Your best bet of supporting her as a partner is to try and convince her to go to therapy and or psychiatrist. Does she have a therapist/psychiatrist already?
The suicidal thinking is pretty serious. You shouldn't take it lightly. She needs professional help. Although very few people who ideate suicide complete it, there certainly is a correlation.