BPDFamily.com

So I have posted on this site before, immediately at the end of my relationship with a pwBPD, and I found the forums and website incredibly helpful with helping me to detach and move on - Thanks.

My relationship ended at the start of October last year and to summarise... It ended after the 4th attempt, we had 3 previous break-ups that were made up. At the end, my ex told me that I was "the best person he'd ever met",  but that ultimately, he wanted to get back with his ex and it was "killing him" ruminating about her. He made some suicide threats, because of his intense depressive mood swings or "storms", but told me he would get help for his BPD...

We stayed in touch for a week or so, but after a few disturbing messages, I contacted his GP to give an anonymous tip about his well-being, it was tracked back to me and I was labelled as "manipulative" and blocked on all social media.

We have been completely no contact since then - so about 6-7 months ish.

Since then, I have worked very hard to move on. I used this community, had some local counselling too and my friends and family supported me greatly. I started to fully disconnect at the start of this year and even started dating. I have met someone new and we are in the first stages of our relationship, only 6-weeks in, but I am optimistic about it and feel comfortable with both him and myself... He is very healthy and stable. Things are definitely looking up.

Then... out of the blue... I get a message from my ex...

Everyone told me this would happen, it's a classic BPD behaviour apparently...

He says "I'm not expecting a response, but...", he's been very ill, he turned to alcohol after our break up and now has a serious health condition. He's "consumed with guilt" and ultimately, apologises for everything. He goes on to say "It has literally eaten me alive".

I was a little bit knocked and didn't know how to reply... I left it for a day, and then the next day he messages again to say "I'm sorry, but can you please reply", "I know you don't owe me anything but it would really help me out to hear from you".

So, I don't expect a response, but, can you please reply?

I replied to say that I was truly sorry about his health, but glad to hear he was taking the right steps to recover (quitting drinking and smoking). I said I didn't know really what to say, and that I was very knocked after our break up and have had to work very hard to move on and get better, and that I was finally starting to feel better now.

He came back to me to say that he thinks about me all the time, about what a "stupid self-destructive fool" he has been and about what a "truly wonderful thing" he threw away and that it's "literally killing him".

He tops it all off with "at risk of sounding melodramatic" faced with his own mortality because of his health, he felt he needed to reach out rather than regret it later...

As far as I know, this is a very common thing that most people on this forum have had to deal with at some point. Your ex pwBPD comes back with a life-threatening crisis and seeks support or validation from you.

I would say, I feel very healthy and stable, I am optimistic about my new relationship and looking to the future. I stopped visiting the forums here at the end of November and finished my counselling around then too. My ex contacting me like this is just so annoying, a reminder of how he treated me, annoying because I don't want it to damage my newly fledgeling relationship. I was doing so well... Annoying because I can't deny that parts of our relationship were the best I've ever had, the connection felt so strong (until it wasn't) and the love felt unconditional (until it wasn't)... What's more, these are very similar words to the way he broke up with me, i.e. the words and phrases he used to describe the feelings about his ex when we were together... "literally killing me" etc.

In the immediate weeks after we broke up, I dreamt about receiving texts like this, hoping that he would realise his mistake and apologise. But 7 months on, I'm with someone new and this just feels like something I'd rather not have interfering with my new relationship :(



Anyway, I don't think I really "need" anything from this forum about this, I don't think I will reply again. I have no plans to get back with him and want to focus on my new relationship. I think honestly, I'm just looking for an outlet to moan a little about my situation with people who understand/empathise. :)

Have other people experienced this break from no-contact? Their ex pwBPD coming back to apologise? And what have you done about it to try and move on?

Hey Ragdolllover (I love them too!)!

I read your post and it's like a carbon copy of my story, except that in my case it wasn't an ex, but a friend. But it was just like you said, he broke up his friendship with me and disappeared, blocked me from all his social media etc. For 3 years we did not talk at all. Then, last year he sent me happy birthday (January) and said he always remembered me fondly and so on. I thanked him but ended it there. Then this last January he sent me a message, completely out of the blue, saying that he was just out of rehab (alcoholism), that he wasn't well, and that he was so terribly sorry for everything, that I was the best friend he ever had... you get the picture. He started with a massive "love bomb", sent flowers, cards, and I felt truly sorry for him, and next thing I knew we were having dinner together and he begged me to help him recover and so on.

Needless to say, it did not end well. If you're curious about what happened see my first post, but not only had he not changed at all, but he's also much worse than he was before. Thankfully I do not have the problem that some other members have, as I do not love him romantically at all (he's a gay man). Still, he can be a very seductive person even as a friend. I'm also in a relationship but thank God I did not introduce my boyfriend to him, because right now this "best friend" is basically trying to ruin my life and reputation, and if he had met my boyfriend he would be trying to break up my relationship too. My advice, based only on my own experience as I'm no expert in this field, would be, do not let your ex into your life again, not even as a friend. I'm paying a very high price for this moment of weakness, and will not make the same mistake again.

As someone who's still in the semi early stages post detachment it's really glad to hear that you've had such a great recovery after this relationship, congrats on all you've accomplished so far! And wishing you all the best in your new relationship!


One of the things I've been struggling with internally is that I'm unsure if I'll look at love from someone without BPD as enough, or fulfilling, because the bar was essentially set so high from my exwBPD.. but I guess ultimately it's that you need to remember both sides of the coin, it sucks because it seems like our brains only want to remember the good parts :( but it sounds like you've managed to start something new and it's going well so far, I think that can give a lot of us hope for our own futures.


Vent away! It helps to talk about these things. Again, congrats on getting out of the FOG and moving forward with your life, best of luck with your new relationship!

the issue is not about listening to these dysregulated moments it is , reacting to them

then the disappointment sets in because once the "love you miss you" from the bottom of my heart has passed (this is a mental illness remember), then its back to the pendulum swing in a haphazard non predictable way. might be great for a while, might become nightmarish just as fast. which is the polarity of the disorder when the emotions go against, not for the object.

when I got in contact after 9 months she said how she had cried and told me of the times we had been together she missed the most. Yes, it does tug on the heart strings from my side. and still I had not fully deciphered what it means in BPD speech. but I was skeptical and I was encouraged here also not to get carried away by it.

the best way I can explain it is to try to consider viewing these interactions are entirely "momentary" and based on a current emotional extreme flux that the pwBPD is having to deal with.

remember always, high emotional lability, a hallmark of the disorder. and thats what is to be expected during the relationship. I suggest this because once I grasped these concepts it helped me understand and make my mind up that it was never going to be stable enough to build anything I felt was worthwhile doing with my life.

and yep, vent away! it helps to always express and paves the way for them to eventually be resolved. Good luck and thanks!

Awesome post, Ragdoll lover. You sound like you're in a stable place. Some of those phrases you spoke about were uttered to me "you're the best person I've ever met". And the whole situation sounds eerily similar to many others here.

I think you know precisely what's going on. I guess the hardest part with a "charm" like this is that the BPD seems to believe what they are saying is true (until it's not), so it's hard not to believe them.

Wish you well in your new relationship.

Hey Ragdolllover, Glad to hear you have emerged from the BPD quagmire.  Some people drown in that swamp!  I agree w/those above: Move on.  What often goes unsaid here is that detaching leads to greater happiness, which is what its all about, right?

LuckyJim

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Guilietta - I agree with you there... as far as I know, my ex has not received the help he needs, so will most likely be worse than when we were together etc. I am sorry you have had to deal with this too... it's equal parts crushingly sad, that so many people have also had similar experiences, and morbidly comforting, to know we are not alone in them...

This hit a bit of a nerve when I read it too...

I know exactly what you mean, if you are generally optimistic (as I am, and you sound too) you can look back and see way more of the ups than the downs. But the reality is that my new relationship is stable and consistent, which really is the key difference. It never dips or wanes, but equally never gets that high... We just need to convince ourselves that overall it's "better"... But it's incredibly hard not to compare, I do feel a bit guilty for my new bf when I do...

And yeah, as Cromwell says, this apology phase that he is in, is probably just that... a phase, soon to pass... I mean, I had exactly that in our last "make-up" last year... We had been broken up for a week I think, before he came back to me and put on some serious love-bombing, all the apologies, all the "I'll get help" and "I'll be better for you". We had a fantastic couple of months together where everything was rosy and he was on his best behaviour, then the final break-up came just as suddenly... *eyeroll*

Seems we are all in different stages of detachment, but moving in the right direction at least. One of the "least helpful" things that people said to me after my break-up was "you just need time". I used to hear it loads and think, great thanks, time heals, but I can't speed up 1 year etc, you still have 1 year of feeling crappy before you get there... haha. But now I'm here I can see that it's true. Time does heal, memories fade, new things and people come into our lives which help us, and it's only going to keep getting better with more time I think...

Thanks all

Actually, I think the main thing I am concerned about now, is that... Am I always going to have this dark cloud following me around?

Will I have my expwBPD contacting me every few years? Reminding me of our good times, keeping himself fresh in my memories? Interfering with future relationships?

As we have all experienced, relationships with pwBPD are intense, highly emotional and extremely loving (50% of the time). They raise our expectations of what love is or should be, expectations that are essentially unreasonable and unhealthy, but expectations all the same...

I am in a brand new relationship now and I do have the butterflies with him and a bright spark. Now part of me resents my relationship with my expwBPD, because if I hadn't had that, my new relationship would probably be the best start I've ever had so far. But it's just not quite as amazing as my relationship with my expwBPD started... And I feel so guilty for feeling it, because my new guy is amazing and it's not his fault.

Well, it's early days and I'm probably getting carried away, I need to wait for the love to develop and see where it goes.

How has everyone here managed your new relationships and 'expectations'?

Ragdollover

why would you want your new guy to be 'better'?

Hi there Ragdoll...

In response to your first post about the contacting... I had the same thing. In fact there are many dynamics that are the same.

As for this post - I too needed to re-learn what a real relationship is like. I am coming on 18 months now with the same person. In this relationship is no gaslighting, no hurtful fights - only the ones that would be expected in any healthy relationship, especially during a pandemic!

Give it time - and above all else - if you are needing to compare one relationship to the other (rather than wanting to because you are "hedging your bets" so to speak) then understand where it is that you are growing and maturing. The sparks of the r/s with your ex - that's a drug and the relationship was likely fake. Certainly mine was. It has taken me two years to properly process what happened in a five year relationship. Two years of persistent effort and a hopeful out look.

It will stop if you put the effort into growing now. He's gone. Keep it that way. Process the memories until they fade.

Hang in there.

It does get easier.

Rev

Ragdoll, I’m in the same place with the same thoughts.  My current wonderful relationship 17 months in, cannot provide the same amazing drug like high. It makes me sad, it makes me miss my exBPD.  But I’ve also not been emotionally abused, manipulated, lied to, cheated on, controlled or criticized.  So theres that. :)

I’m trying daily to appreciate the relationship and push the ex out of my mind. He will never be an option for me.

time doesnt heal anything. if it did, all of our exes would be cured. it simply dulls the pain.

in the same way, alcohol dulls the pain. a good day dulls the pain. a new relationship dulls the pain.

these things are not, necessarily, the same as detaching from the wounds. just dulling them.

when post relationship contact happens (and it does in most relationships that end badly), above all, it can be a good measure of where we are in the detachment process.

the same part of you that is shaken by this contact is the same part of you that was open to the relationship when it happened. thats not at all to say that work hasnt been done, just that there is more work to be done. its yet another one of the lessons these relationships can teach us. i encourage you to heed it.

Of course I want him to be 'better'... I don't want to be manipulated, ghosted, cancelled on last minute or stood-up without a word, accused of invalidating his feelings, dumped multiple times... I could go on... But yeah, that's all I mean by better.

I.e. The love may not be quite as high, but it certainly doesn't have any lows or markers of abuse. It's consistent, and that should be viewed as "better" overall.



This is a great way to describe it, I think. A drug. It's great, but it's not real is it... and it's not likely to come from someone with good mental health. We just need to retrain our brains to appreciate the consistent type of love more, perhaps...

I don't like comparing, I certainly don't do it on purpose, but it does happen when my mind wanders... When I take my expwBPD out of the equation and look back to my previous relationships, my r/s with my new guy has everything I am looking for, and ticks all my boxes - we are becoming best friends, we laugh together so much and have the same silly SoH, we have great sex and affection, we support each other and have deep/meaningful conversations, and I guess, importantly, he has treated me well, I don't feel anxious with him (like he's going to cancel on our plans last minute, or randomly ghost me etc).

I just wish I could tell that little niggle in my brain, this is all I need!

I shall let time heal (or dull...) ;)

Thanks for everyone's replies!

well said, this is something that took me time to see in such a way. the intensity of these disordered relationships can ramp up our system and make it accustomed to a higher emotional baseline than what, I guess the word im trying to find is "healthy"

What was a form of discovery for me is to have conflated "love" with what was actually a broad mix of other high intensity emotions. Anxiety for one example.

Im happy to hear you have found more peace, I believe in time the rest will follow also. well done.  |iiii

Hello Ragdoll,

I remember you and your posts from last year. It's good to see that you're doing well in life, aside from the recent contact from your ex. That's great that you have found someone new that treats you well.  I'm very happy to hear that. Hearing you describe what was going on regarding the out of the blue contact with your ex really resonated with me.

After about 4.5 months of me going no contact with my uBPD ex after our abrupt split, I started getting social media pings from her via mutual friends' pages in mid September 2020. Then came a couple of actual phone text messages followed by a brief in person visit at my home (her folks live next door) over the next couple of months. The Facebook pings continued on and off from Nov 2020 through Mid February 2021, and they stopped. Prior to that, we'd been courteous enough to wave at each other if we saw one another outside especially if the kids were around. Now she won't even acknowledge my presence. I found out yesterday that she and the guy she rebounded with 2 weeks after me are talking engagement marriage. My guess is that she figures she's going to get a commitment from him, so she no longer needs to keep trying to throw me crumbs. Mutual friends say that her mental health still isn't good, and she's still repeating all of the unhealthy behaviors. She thinks this guy is going to finally be the one that fixes her for good this time. Our mutual friend said listening to her talk about him was like listening to her 14 months ago talking about how in love she was with me and was hoping for an engagement to happen soon. I couldn't pull the trigger and commit right then, so I was immediately discarded one year ago this month.

Now I look back on the discard as a blessing. It still hurts some when I think of the good times. Like you, I was told that I was the best person that she'd ever dated and was the partner that she'd longed for her whole life, etc. I really struggled with those words for several months following the split. When I asked her to explain how she went from feeling that to basically feeling just the opposite in a matter of days, she was unable to answer my question. My guess is that she really didn't know. Maybe she didn't mean those things at all, maybe she meant them but just wasn't capable of a healthy relationship, or maybe she only meant what she said in that moment. It's anyone's guess. I've given up trying to figure out why, as it is pointless. I'm steadily moving on with my life and have made lots of progress. Hopefully one day I'll find someone to share a healthy relationship with. I know what I want as far as that goes, and I'm willing to be patient to wait for the right person. Some days it's tough waiting, but that's my game plan.

Best wishes to you on continued happiness in your new relationship and moving past your old relationship. Those type of relationships sure are hard to let go of. I can identify with you as can everyone else here.

Thanks to everyone for your replies so far... But it's not over yet. My exBPD has continued to message me over the last few days.

He seems desperate to meet me and "make amends". He's said "I've made the biggest mistake of my life and perhaps anyone's". Going on to state he's barely slept or eaten over the last week, I'm all he thinks about. His regret and dreams of what could have been are crippling...

He's 6 months too late though...

I felt like this after our break up, for months in fact, like most of you have too. I cried every day for about 6 weeks, I didn't eat, I had no problem sleeping though, in fact, that's pretty much all I could do, to switch off from the pain, I slept and slept and slept... I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I used to idolise him as "perfect" and accepted his flaws because the up-sides were "worth it"...

But I'm here with my new boyfriend now, he's an angel, he's calm, stable, consistent. Last night he told me I am his favourite person and he "really really really likes me". We both giggled at that and I said it back to him. We haven't got to the 'I love you stage' yet, still only 2 months in... But I am falling for him for sure...

If my ex hadn't messaged me, I would be hopeful for the future. Excited to be falling in love again. Learning to trust again. And, being completely anxiety-free!

Now I'm starting to think, what if? What if my exBPD got help, saw a psychologist, or even is accurate when he says "I know I could guarantee that I would be in it 100% this time, knowing how awful being without you has made me feel"... I don't know if he really can guarantee that though...


I feel so guilty on my new bf... he really has been wonderful so far, and has helped me heal places of my heart I didn't realise needed healing. I didn't expect to meet someone so special straight away, I thought I'd date a few duds first! lol But my exBPD is really pulling on my heartstrings now... bringing all the memories back, it's so hard isn't it...


He wants to meet me, his last message is practically begging to meet me... I don't think I can. I don't think I'd be able to keep it together... There's a chance I may also crack and give in, and that's not fair on my new bf either :(

If I was single, maybe I would meet him...
If my exBPD hadn't messaged, I'd barely give him a second thought, happy in my new relationship.
But here we are, receiving countless messages from him declaring his love for me...


How do I stop this?

Just to add... I spoke a lot just now to friends and family about these last messages from my exBPD and was able to receive the support to "stay strong".

I have replied to him now offering him full closure. I basically said, you hurt me too many times, I can't meet you, it's over, sorry (in about a 3 page text lol).

Reading the forums here helped me so much... Sadly... Seeing the community suffer time and time again, too many break-ups to count, too many "this is the last time" or "I'll never do it again" 's, too many, "this time is different, let's get married to show you how I feel... Oh no wait, I want to leave again, now we have to have a massive long drawn out divorce to deal with for years"... (sorry if this is you). I feel I really should learn from this, it's one of the positive things we can take from these forums really, no matter how hard it is, to learn from each other...

I will stay strong, be fair to my current bf and most importantly, to myself. It's not "worth it".

Ragdollover, this thread has been one of the most encouraging ones that I’ve read in a while.

I vacillate so much about my exBPD, who is still “unsure” about me but can’t explain how or what it would take for her to choose me, and moving forward on the one hand, vs. her “breadcrumb” text messages: a funny instagram post, a photo of a fond memory, a photo of us together that shows up in her social media feed. We are supposed to be NC, but these breadcrumbs show up every three or four days, especially on a weekend morning when she is scrolling on her phone. She wrote one meaningful note to me, which basically said that she is unsure and she is going to DBT weekly now. But also that she had an “idiotic impulse” that she had been obsessing over, which sounded like a rage/temper losing moment... Ah, the memories.

I don’t engage on anything non-meaningful, and I am focused on self-improvement as much as I can - regardless of whether she pops up in the future. But it’s tough to stay focused - thinking “maybe if she sticks with the DBT, she will change.” She seems more committed than in the past, and she is very self-aware of her BPD-related behaviors. I’m torn.

But I think that Ragdollover put it best: stay strong. I am staying strong, hanging in there, and realizing that I do not deserve to be strung along by some “maybe” future. I am not a Plan B; I am a Plan A.

I'm glad it helps and you're absolutely right, we are plan A and don't deserve this.

My exBPD has replied to my epic message and you know what, I think I am going to post the message in full here, just copy/paste, because honestly his response is such an insight into the brain of someone suffering with BPD and I think genuinely it could help some people here because it explains so much his thoughts and feelings... I think we can all imagine our pwBPD saying these exact words, maybe it will help some people...


I replied to say he isn't a failure for needing help, he didn't cause this illness, so shouldn't expected to fix it either. That I don't hate him and know he didn't mean for anything like this. But that it is the end and I hope he understands that. He said he did and thanked me for my understanding.

I think this is finally it. It feels like closure once and for all. I cried a little over the finality of it all. But more in maybe a relieved way.

Time will tell.

Good luck to you all.

Really cool thread overall.

One thing:


I guarantee this isn't the case.

You know what struck me the most about the letter you posted? The fact that it's ALL ABOUT HIM. That's the thing with these types, EVERYTHING revolves around them. I would be annoyed as heck with that correspondence. Kind of like "I was doing great until I had to take a step back and read more about you and your problems, which by the way aren't mine anymore." Seriously.

So you guys were absolutely right and he kept/keeps messaging me... He can't let go, and the hardest part is that he seems so positive at the moment and so stable.

I met with him last night and it was very very hard, I couldn't make eye contact with him properly and I had to keep the conversation serious and to the point, no small talk or joking.

I asked him about the timeline of events since we broke up at the end of September and he said after a week if wallowing and drinking heavily he did reach out to his ex and they got back together... She welcomed him with open arms apparently...

They dated, but he didn't move back in, until he left her again in January. He said he almost immediately realised why they broke up in the first place, and he kept thinking about and comparing to me... The irony...

(Background note: When he broke up with me he told me that he was just thinking about her all the time and even said "but your not her" which cut me deeply. At the time I was shocked because I couldn't understand how he could have had something better than what we had... I didn't know about BPD back then...)

(Also, I met him on tinder and he was single at the time, broken up with ex for about 6-8 weeks ish)

Anyway, yes they got back together after we broke up. That was a big blow to me, as I assumed she probably wouldn't let him back in her life...

His drinking got severe and he says most of the end of last year was a drunken blur. He went to A&E twice thinking he was having heart attacks and they turned out to be panic attacks.

He broke up with Ms. Ex in January (I really feel for her...) Then he started self harming... He had visible scars all over his arms which he showed me :(

That was his trigger to get help and he saw his GP who referred him for a 12 week CBT course online. During his first week he walked in to A&E again with suicidal thoughts.

Now his CBT has completed he feels that it's in "both of our best interests" to try again. Now that he is stable. He signed up for a second 12-week course of CBT "to be safe" and continue with the positive thinking and he has an action plan of how to deal with negative thoughts...

This is so hard guys... I know you all know this...

I loved him so much, and for the most part, it really was the best relationship I've ever been in. The connection was so strong and intimate and we had so much in common. We would sit and play board games listening to our favourite band, sipping on cocktails... It was wonderful. Until he broke my heart... 3 times... When we got back together after the 3rd, we had another 6 weeks of absolute bliss before the signs of BPD started creeping in again. He cancelled on me last min, would go AWOL and not reply to my messages for hours or even days, I would phone him and he'd cancel it off and message back "I can't"...

It was the best times, and the absolute worst times. I don't think I will ever love someone that much, but I also don't know if I can trust him. He left me for his ex, then left her again for me... Seriously... And 12-weeks CBT? Is that it? I thought it would be longer and continuous...?

He claims he is better and ready for me now... How can I believe him?

Thanks

dont go by his words. people (all kinds of people) get back together and then "remember why they broke up in the first place". should that happen, youll be back here in even more pain than before.

if you are entertaining the idea of getting back together, do a serious, sober assessment of the reasons that your relationship broke down, where the two of you are right now, and what it will take (if possible) to have a very different relationship on the Bettering board.

if you decide to get back together, it will give things their best shot. youll have a game plan.

or youll make a difficult decision that it wont work, and talk yourself right out of it.

the point was that "time heals all wounds" is a very popular saying, and its manifestly untrue.

to actually reach that perspective takes the work of detaching, and moving through the pain, facing the difficult facts. time cant do that for you (it can dull the pain, and youre absolutely right that that gives the space for perspective if one embraces it), and ive seen my share of folks skip right over it; i was one of them.

it isnt working for the OP. something other than time is needed.

Sorry to be my normal blunt self...

But isn't this perfectly following the BPD process of charming?

"Ragdoll, I did get back with her, but she wasn't as good as you and meant nothing. I cut myself and am a victim. I spent 12 weeks in therapy and am suddenly completely cured (I, Grumpy Donut, have been in therapy for over a year and am not close to cured, despite not being personality disordered, so his recovery is a miracle!). This time will be different, even know I told this the other girl and it turned out to not be different"

This sounds like pure BPD fantasy.

What happened to your nice guy bf?

As for advice, maybe ask him to wait for you for a year. That way you'll know whether this is about you or about his need to immediately fill his attachment void.

Hi Ragdoll!

I’ve been in a situation similar to yours. Completely head over heels in love.  He came back and had seen the light, understood, verbalized he was horrible to me, was in treatment with a great therapist etc etc. It was the best feeling ever, he wanted me and we were back.

It lasted 5 months before I was left again when he deregulated. He went directly back to his ex who he claimed to me he never loved.

You can be in the best state of mind with all the tools and the best of intentions. He has shown you who he is, and he is still the same person. His cognitive therapy hasn’t even started to change his thinking after 3 months.

I get it, he’s like a drug and you want to believe you can have that relationship with him, you just need another shot.

What things do you think could be different if you gave it another try? As OR was talking about, knowing exactly how things broke down and a plan to address those things and do things differently is key.

What happened to your nice guy bf?

Very much THIS.

Ragdolllover,

I gave my ex a second chance after receiving a very similar letter. He was also in therapy and working DBT. I would say it was a Huge mistake, but it did answered the questions I may have always asked myself, “what if and could it be different/better?”  The last ending was a nightmare! Now I know for sure I did the right thing, but it was a big step backwards in the detaching phase. Most of all I realized that I disliked the person I had become and would remain being, if I were to be with him.

One thing that I take away from this thread, is how happy everyone here is for you, that you found someone loving, kind and stable. I’m feeling the group response is compassion and concern  for you, when it comes to any interaction with your ex. 

 I am so looking forward to meeting someone new and the chance for a happy future.

Most of us have been where you are. Know that we are not judging you, we will support you, no matter what!

B53

Very much to the point - these two things.   

On second chances - I gave my ex many in my five year relationship. It only ever got worse. Things getting worse is a common story.  It took two very good friends the make sure I didn't go back once I was out.  To be honest, I finally got to a place that I was afraid of myself and my judgement because I was, with reason, very afraid of her.

So on to the second point - we have all been at the place where we search for our voice of self compassion. And so we WILL support you until you find that sweet spot where your voice of self-compassion can be heard.

Be well. Stay safe.

Peace and light to you.

Rev

Ragdolllover,

I’m starting to think they have a some sixth sense, that lets them know that we are finally moving on and have a chance for happiness?

My ex just called me after four months and left a voice mail. I didn’t answer, didn’t listen, deleted both. The last chance I gave him, cured me of any fantasy of happily ever after. For me there did come a point of no return. I’m not conflicted.  I have a bad feeling about this. 

I so wish I had that nice guy you were talking about!

B53

And to add to the above.

I gave mine a second chance when she cheated on me. She said it meant nothing, she didn't really know or like him, and he basically raped her.

6 months later, she ghosted, sent mixed messages, would come running back when I threatened to cut her off. Said she needed time to "fix myself".

Guess what...she was seeing the bloke she cheated on me with, and is still dating him a year later.

Thank you so much everyone. I know there's no judgement here, just as I wouldn't judge anyone here, but I do like hearing the harsh truths from you all, it's been very helpful. And I know so many of you have lived this exact moment too...

Don't worry! New bf is still here, we actually just had a lovely staycation in the south of the UK this weekend. He knows the ex is messaging me and has been super supportive. He even said, "well you got over him last time he left you, and that time you were on your own. This time you have me here to help you and support you". He knows it's hard and bringing back all the pain...

My mum helped me see something though... That it isn't an either/or situation. It's not my exBPD or nice new guy. I need to look at them differently. Do I want to get back with ex? Yes or no? Do I want to be with nice guy? Yes or not? Her point was it's not just ex or nice guy. Because she knows I'm comparing and knows I keep thinking, but some parts are just not as good or as fulfilling. My mum's main advice was not to settle. She is concerned that new nice guy, although very nice, isn't really right for me and maybe I am settling so as not to get hurt. And she keeps telling me she is positive I will meet someone who makes my heart skip, who doesn't have BPD...

You are all right. 12 weeks isn't enough to heal 34 years of BPD, I am sure, and although he has another 12 weeks coming up, he seems to think he is "cured" regardless. There has been a change in him over the last few messages for sure. From telling me he was dying and had a fatal heart condition intially - which is why he reached out... to now being positive and saying that all he can think about is the potential bright future we may have... But it all still feels like part of the condition. Charming his way back into my life, as you say...  And I don't want to cycle again if he 're-realises' his ex is "the one" all over again...

The other thing I can't shake is that when I did meet him, my heart *didn't* skip a beat... Actually, all I felt was the hurt and pain come back to the surface. I kind of hated him. I refused to laugh at his jokes because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I avoided eye contact and the times I cried were when I told him about the pain he caused me, not when he spoke about our "potential bright future"...

Do any of you feel like this? It's like I only know it was "the best I've ever felt" and "the most in love I've ever been" and "the happiest and most at peace" because I said it aloud to lots of people, family, friends, on this forum, to myself, in my diary etc. But I can't actually really remember feeling those things now. I think I have just subconsciously blocked all these feelings and emotions.

If I was to let my exBPD back in, it would take a lot of work. Rebuilding trust, rebuilding out relationship, probably doing some couples counseling if we took it seriously... And even then, I'm not sure it I can ever trust him again...

Perhaps it was closure for me to see him and see that I feel like this, I hope it was. I think regardless of new nice guy, this needs to be over with my ex.

I need to block him once and for all and move on.

And if things don't work out with new nice guy, I need the strength to keep looking forward, not behind.

Hi Ragdoll,

I've intentionally reduced what you wrote so that you can see it at it's most basic.

Here's a rule of thumb that I learned at a workshop on grief. The doctor was saying that for every year together, it's about 1 month of processing time. Now that doesn't mean that you wait 35 months before dating again. Nor does it mean 35 months of gloom. What it means is that, generally, you can expect a certain amount of time to process who you are, where you are at, etc. And as you process, you can expect the ambiguity to fade.

Now that's with a death. But I have found that it applies somewhat. It took me much longer than that - and when I realized that I was past the so-called one-month-per-year thing, and was still ruminating about the relationship, even though I was in a new one with a great person, it became clear that the ruminations, although about my ex on the surface, were not really about her at all, but more about what I really wanted for my life, etc.

All in all, that really helped me be realistic about my relationship and keep moving forward.

Hang in there.

Rev

Hey Ragdoll,

Very similar thoughts to ones I have had.

In addition to your Mum's advice, here's something else to consider:

Do you want to re-enter an already damaged relationship with someone who you know you cannot trust JUST BECAUSE you are fearful you'll not find another connection like the one you had? That sounds like settling, also.

This is currently one of my favourite threads, because I'm in the situation you were in half a year ago -- hoping for my ex to "see the light", apologise, come back and (hopefully) live up to all the promises he made.


That kind of support sounds like a dream come true. You don't seem to be convinced however (and your mum is right with her advice) -- is there something wrong about him?


My ex told me in the very beginning that he had wasted most of his adolescence alone, until he falsely diagnosed himself with early-onset Parkinson's disease. That kind of hypochondria was a huge turn-off even with rose-tinted glasses on. Seems to be a common thing though.

And same story as yours, he left his ex for me, only to keep in touch with her for the entirety of our relationship, of which she spent half living under the same roof as him... she still had her things at his place after eight months and is still driving with his mother's car on a daily basis to this day.

I'm almost one-hundred percent certain they're in touch now. He cried to me about her and he's likely to cry to her about me.

Triangulation is real. It's a horrible situation to be in.


Future faking is such a low manipulation tactic. I fell for it, too. When he broke up with me the first time and came back after two weeks (because none of his former female friends wanted anything to do with him, no less), he promised me the world and more, just like the beginning. Within a month and a half he had broken every single promise he had made, blaming it on me (!) -- saying that I couldn't reasonably have expected him to follow through.


Yes, constantly. I have a long list of situations and things he said which hurt me, and yet I often find myself longing for his company. He sometimes was loving and the perfect partner -- but only very sporadically, and very rarely towards the end. The psychological impact of intermittent reinforcement is powerful.

Another lady in another thread shared the wisdom of her parents, which boiled down to "A healthy partner will do these things ALL of the time, not just some of the time". Difficult to remember, but important.


Same problem here, and going by my experience, the second attempt will likely be even worse, because a person with BPD generally doesn't have the skills/capabilities/responsibility to actually repair the damage they have done.

I can only speak for myself but our second attempt was almost completely hellish. Few highs, lots of the lowest lows. It got so bad that I struggled to function in everyday situations completely unrelated to him because I got so caught up in the toxic dynamic.


That's the spirit. Whatever you decide, I'm (and many others here are) rooting for you.  :hug:

Thanks for all the support guys!


This. All of this. I do think I've blocked a lot of the happiest memories of being with him, subconsciously as a mechanism to deal with the pain I think... But looking back, all of the 'good bits' or things that I loved about him were really just the top priority things I look and hope for in a relationship.

I guess you have your relationship checklist in a way. It's not a fully conscious thing, not really. But there's the "must haves", the "nice to haves" and the "cheeky bonuses".

You have an idea of a "perfect partner" and the BPD paints an extraordinary vision of this for you...

But, like you say, that probably speaks more about what I need rather than what he was/is.

And unfortunately high up on the 'must haves', possibly even #1, is trust and that has been completely broken...


This is also true. Thanks for adding this.


Yes the hypochondria has been present throughout the whole time I have known him. There is always some kind of serious condition he is dealing with. And often viewed as "him against the world", nobody could ever understand what he goes through etc. etc...

One thing that worried me when we met was his fairly fresh scars on his forearms. The way he showed me and how he spoke of them was almost with pride. Like, "look how bad I was, I even did all this to myself. So I was really bad and that's why I treated you like I did - aka I have an excuse. But now I'm better and not ashamed..." I mean, it's very brave to not be ashamed of self harm and to get through times like that. It's very courageous. But I couldn't help but feel it was just too much self-absorption. Like he showed them off to me because he knows it's brave...

The other thing which I notice time and time again now with how he speaks and acts, is that every single negative thing, his actions or harsh words, they were NOT HIM, they were his condition and he can't control it and didn't want to do it. But all the 'good bits' and affection and love and care, that was ALL HIM and not at all related to his condition.

Again, it's hard because it feels uncomfortable demonising someone because of a mental illness which we don't have ourselves and can never fully understand. But it's exactly this black and white thinking which he is using now to try and absolve all his wrongdoings and remove any responsibility etc. Also, not understanding that a lot of the affection is 'love-bombing' and a part of the BPD in itself...


Yes I guess I never really saw it like this, as a form of manipulation, but it absolutely is, isn't it...

OK, I think I know what I need to do, but it's not going to be easy.

I will let you know how it goes *fingers crossed*