BPDFamily.com

Hello everybody,

Not long ago I was discarded by a friend (but then carefully hovered afterwards). Before going into real contact again, I really want to have a talk about what happened, but as she’s got a lot on her head nowadays, I want to give her space to contact me when she’s ready.

That conversation has not taken place yet, but as she’s experiencing a great grief nowadays, we got into (a deep) conversation about it anyway. In real life and afterwards via texts.

One moment during conversation she asked how I was doing. I answered that I’m kind of ok (I didn’t write openly about the reason that I’m not that ok, id est: still feeling hurt by the loss I experienced during the discard and the distance between us since that moment). Whereupon she suggested I could text about what bothered me if I wanted to. I initiated my text with that I care about her, since we’re friends and that’s she’s important to me. I wrote that I like talking to her and that I don’t want to suggest a distance between us by not really opening up. I continued with that I always want to listen to her and that I, for my part, want to tell things about myself, showing vulnerability, but that I’m suffering fear of abandonment and that I’m afraid of losing connection (again).

Now I’m getting silent treatment again. Did I do something wrong? How could she have interpreted my message?

if you love someone with bpd, there are things to know, there are "dos" and "do nots".

people with bpd are, in general, very needy people. they struggle with communicating their needs, they often choose less than constructive ways of doing so, and they often resent themselves for having those needs, as well as their loved ones for failing to meet them.

its kind of hard to have needs in a relationship with someone with bpd. there is simply too much going on. there is a compromised ability to set aside that emotional space for your needs.

if you think about it, weve all been there. lets say you just had a loved one die, and you have a close friend who really needs emotional support over something. more than likely, you would be compromised in your ability to give it to them. i have a very close friend. when we were younger, he was the most insensitive person ive ever met. hed always say the wrong, most insensitive thing. id make the mistake of trying to confide in him, and then id get resentful when hed all around be bad at it or say something that hurt me. the fact is, it just wasnt in him. we all have our limitations. if i had a close friend who begged me to tell them a funny joke in order to make them feel better, i dont know with certainty that id be able to give them a funny joke.

my friend, as he got older, actually became quite skilled at being someone to confide in. maybe your loved one will too. but generally speaking, you may be pushing for more than she can offer. i know my ex really did not like to revisit our fights, especially the hurtful things she said. she wanted to move on.

theres a reasonable balance to be found, mind you. im not saying you cant or shouldnt ever voice your hurts. im not saying you shouldnt ask from a friend what you hope for in a friend. i am saying you should understand your friends limitations, and when it comes to bpd, a great limitation tends to be mending the hurt they have caused you.

You very likely didn't do anything wrong.  They tend to do to us the behaviors that they find very harmful to them, and frequently ask us not to do to them.  Not much ability to look at how they impact others.  With respect to their being available to you as a friend, and sometimes being able to put aside their inner distractions and pay attention to you and listen, it may happen some of the time.  Just will be unpredictable.