BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone. I was once an active member on these boards. Then I closed my account when I went NC with my uBPD mom. We were NC for five years. I thought it was for good. But a couple years ago, she found my FB account, and made a reappearance. This was her opening line: "I know you want nothing to do with me because you never returned my calls last year, but I just want you to know that I love you more than words can explain. Mom."

I took the bait. I thought I could handle it this time. And I have done fairly well over the last couple of years. But now I've been thrown a curveball. We recently spent a few hours together over the course of a couple of days. During that time, I mentioned that I am not fond of my given name. My father picked it. It wasn't a big deal. Just a comment said in passing.

Well...now she's sent a message that made me uneasy enough to come back to the forums for your educated opinion. Her comments until now have been manageable. But this one really shocked me. The thing is, I'm wondering if it's just me being too sensitive (which probably tells me that I've gone too far down the BPD rabbit hole with her...).

If anyone has time to take a look, and give an opinion, I'd appreciate it. Here is her message with names changed for privacy. "Krystal" is my middle name. The one she chose for me. "Barbara" is the name my father chose. I have highlighted the part that made me the most uneasy. 

"I woke up to visit the loo, and was thinking about our recent two days of fun, and I had the thought that you should go by the name Krystal. You would make a perfect Krystal! It’s a beautiful name...and I’m not just saying that because I chose it for you :)...but it fits your personality so much better than Barbara. It’s a feminine bubbly name. To me, it conveys the energy, grace, and uniqueness that you live your life with. I think Krystal fits you like a glove! If you decide to go by Krystal, I will start calling you by that name immediately. You’d have to transition to using it permanently piece by piece. You’d have to be consistent and insist on your name being Krystal. Maybe have it legally changed. That way everyone, especially you, will see it as your real name and never even mention Barbara again. Barbara will be non existent for all intents and purposes. Barbara would be dead. Start referring to yourself as Krystal and see if you like it. Let me know what you decide. You’d have to show the legal papers, and then they’d change your name at your bank, phone company, work, etc...A fresh start: sounds great, doesn’t it?"

This feels very BPD witch to me. It definitely took me by surprise. I can't imagine telling my daughter that she would be "never mentioned again" "non-existent" or "dead" and sounding happy about it...?

Am I being too sensitive? Thank you for your advice!

No, you are not being too sensitive.  That message is a fire engine red flag.  A psychiatrist would probably have plenty to analyze there, but for me, it just gives me the creepy crawlies.  I  can’t imagine a healthy parent saying that to a child they love. 

It also seems very controlling, even though its veiled as giving you a choice.

I am so sorry you must deal with this.

i dont think youre being oversensitive in being put off by her message.

a very charitable read of it might suggest she ran with your suggestion and shes trying to be helpful and/or bond with you. if so, lets call her over enthusiastic. but thats being charitable.

the best way to respond to these sorts of things is not to give them too much weight or over respond. you mentioned it in passing, she ran with it and then some, and took it far further than you intended to. if you try to "set her straight", that will be taking the bait and you will have another fight on your hands.

if you treat it as something to gloss over, and change the subject artfully (hard; its more than 99% of her message, but we can help), its more than likely she will do the same and follow your lead.

what do you think?

I don't think you are overreacting, and most people would be concerned if their mother sent them a message like the one you have shared. Her message sounds controlling, and I fear her wanting you to no longer be Barbara if you decide to change your name to Krystal may represent for her annilating the past with her, including the period of time you were no contact. 

Yes, she took an idea and ran with it, way too far.

Thank you so much for the response! Your comment is validating. My mom’s message does seem controlling. And it gave me the creepy crawlies as well.

Oh my word. I never thought of that! I’ll bet that’s why she’s using such a strong word as “dead.” She probably wants to proverbially kill off the person that she feels abandoned her. And it’d be a double shot to “kill off” my father as well, since he gave me the name. Thanks for this insight! It helps me understand her much more.

Thank you very much for your response! I do think this could be part of it. I know my mom is lonely. She has driven away every friend and family member she has except for me. So maybe she’s trying to bond, and just can’t figure out how.

I think I will follow your advice and gloss over the subject. I may even give it a few days, and then message back with something completely different. Like maybe a joke or meme. Something light hearted. Sometimes that works, and sometimes that just makes her want to drive the point home harder because she feels ignored. It’s a 50/50 chance.

Is there another way you might suggest approaching this?

That’s her way! For sure!

Address it head on.  Simply respond and say "I've decided to keep my name, Barbara"  then go on to the next subject.

And, I agree with what everyone else has said here.  Not only controlling, but she's majorly gas lighting you.  Did you ask for her Specific Instruction on how to change your name?  Did anything you said warrant the level of weirdness she replied with?  There's nothing normal about her response so don't let her continue to gaslight you.  you are strong, you can do it

 :hug:

i think thats a great idea.

if she feels ignored, and pushes harder, pause, and maybe bring it back here. there may be more behind it.

Here is the thing, you will never know how she intended you to take this message. 

Therefore, knowing what you know about BPD..."glossing over" is the best way...give it no reaction...no ammo.

"Interesting idea Mom...I'll give it some thought and see if it's something I can say yes to."

then..

"Did you notice the moon last night?  I don't think I've ever seen it so big.."

And just move on

she returns and presses harder about names.

"I'm not ready to say yes to this idea..."

move on

She keeps pressing

"Goodness Mom, look at the time...I've got to go put some dinner on for tonight.  Bye.."

click

Best,

FF

note:  Personally I'd give her benefit of the doubt.  It's a very controlling message, I doubt it's malicious.

I may be really obtuse here, but the fact that she spent so much time talking about all the wonderful traits she sees in you and how she thinks they are better expressed by your middle name, it seems like maybe the negative stuff about Barbara being dead, gone might...I say might .. have been her just going overboard and detracting from what she was really trying to say.  Which is that you have these wonderful qualities. 

I say that because I have had the experience of trying to say something really positive and having had the unfortunate way I phrased one sentence among many be misinterpreted and causing the rupturing of an important relationship. 

But I'm also very new to understanding BPD, so maybe that is a total red flag that I'm just not sophisticated enough to see, and you all see it because you have more experience. 

Personally, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, write it off as her not being perfect at communication, and focus on the positive.