BPDFamily.com

I am a mom with it 22-year-old daughter who has Bpd. She fairly recently broke her femur while in a borderline episode. It has made her taking care of herself even more challenging than normal.  I live out of the United States much of the time, but met my daughter back in Los Angeles a couple days ago to help take care of her. Almost immediately she started her verbal attacks and abuse towards me, and has already left our home base to stay with my mom, who is  in her 80s now and can’t grasp that my daughter has Bpd. She is a big enabler of my daughter, especially financially. My daughter can’t cope with me walking away when she is being verbally abusive, with the understanding that I will come back but am just taking a breather. She sees this as complete neglect and abandonment, and an unwillingness on my part to hear what she has to say. But what she’s saying are verbal attacks and accusations that she repeats over and over to me, and I established when we first arrived back home together (and she had started to attack me) that we should each speak nicely to one other, and if one of us doesn’t the other can walk away to take a breather. She claims this is my rule only, and she doesn’t want to be part of it because it’s me just being unwilling to hear all I have done to her throughout her life, that me walking away is neglect as she is in a panic attack that I as a mother should stay by her side for, and That I am unwilling to listen to her. I see her panic attacks as adult tantrums at this point that she likes to refer to as panic attacks as a manipulation to keep me by her side as I’m establishing a boundary. I know this is her Bpd talking, and I am being advised that I am doing the right thing, but internally I am suffering so much. I am very scared for her, for what will be in general for us, and for me as well. I feel like I’m being swallowed up by her Bpd. If I’m not at her beckon call she’s so full of rage towards me. I’m told over and over that I’m the worst mother ever, yet I’ve s as Leah’s been a very dedicated, supportive and loving mom (too much if anything.) Now at this chapter in my life,  I’m a writer and close to the end of what for me is a very important project. . I’m afraid of being derailed because of both an inability to focus on my own life due to her demands, and also my own pain over seeing her suffer, which makes it very difficult for me to be creative. I’m in need of hearing from others who’ve been through this as I don’t have much support myself (I do have a wonderful therapist whose ex-husband has Bpd, so she’s well-versed.) I look forward to other people’s sage advise. Thank you in advance for any help or kind words that come my way.

Sounds like your mother is the real issue here. She's supporting and enabling your daughter's bad behaviour. You've got to solve that problem, or your daughter will continue triangulating.

Meanwhile, it seems like you are getting nothing out of this but pain. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother and then you need to walk away from your daughter, however painful that may be. She's an adult now, and there's very little you can do for her if she herself doesn't want to change (and is 100% ready to do the heavy lifting).

You've got to take care of yourself.

Completely agree. Not that there won't be other problems if gramma gets on board but it is enabling.

I would just like to caution to Bisou that your daughter is ACTUALLY experiencing panic, even if it's nonsensical to us. But you can and should establish boundaries, and stick to them

It sounds like you are setting good boundaries with walking away when she's being verbally abusive. Boundaries are tough for people with BPD, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't set them or maintain them.  That's how you are going to have any peace in your life.  When you set boundaries, it's common for them to become angry and resentful. That's okay.

Mine is angry with me and her dad right now and is at her mom's house and has been there for a few months.  She won't talk to me or her dad because she "just can't" with us. We set some boundaries with how we will be treated and that she isn't helpless.  Now she's raging against her mom and siblings and making their lives difficult. They've had to call the police on her a couple of times. I'm not trying to hijack your thread.  I'm telling you this because setting boundaries around inappropriate/abusive behavior is necessary, even if it means that they move out. She is panicking and suffering but it doesn't help anyone to allow her to be abusive to the people around her. It will only escalate if you allow it to go on.

Hear, hear

I feel your pain. I'm working on some writing projects and starting my career in Permaculture, but my daughter constantly derails me. I'm always worried about her, terrified about her future, wondering where I failed her as a child. At this point, she has moved out, and is living and working as a wwoofer at an animal sanctuary. This is the best place for her, with therapy animals, though the way she got there was by telling the police that we were abusing her medically by not taking her to the ER for a broken foot (she walked two miles on it, it was barely even bruised), and she told the police she wanted to go into foster care. She's 17 and has her GED. My reward for standing by her for the last three or four years, for getting her every possible therapy etc, is a stomach (and small intestine) full of ulcers. I have noticed that since she moved out, I've been able to go for a day or two without my ulcer meds, even drinking some coffee and wine.
All this to say, I wish you the best, and I hope you can soon focus more. I think setting boundaries with BPD people is very hard (what to do when they trample your boundaries? What recourse do we have?). I applaud you for setting your boundaries, and I hope time heals some wounds, and you can get your work done. Wish me luck with the same!

Hi Bisou,
Maybe I missed something, but did you say she moved out and is currently with your Mom (her grandmother)?

Let her go.  Focus on your book.

Take care of you.  You obviously need a break.
 :hug:
b

I agree with Beatrix. If she can stay with your mom take the opportunity to focus on yourself in some way.

We are really cornered by our BPD adult children. We want so much to help them heal, to help them out of the suffering that they endure. But we are the focus of their distress and anger and we are unable to help them.

I take any opportunity to embrace the space in my life when BPD dd is not in the house. When she comes back - I take up my guard again!

As others have noted, is it very important to hold firm boundaries with people with BPD. You are absolutely right to not allow her to be verbally abusive towards you. I also want to reassure you that as hard as it is to experience, it is fairly common for people with BPD to rage at a boundary - of course they are not going to like it and try to play mental gymnastics with you to try and convince you to change it. Expecting this and seeing it as part of the disorder helped me to stay strong with boundaries. I would focus on yourself and if possible, get a therapist who specializes in BPD or at least DBT therapy to help you navigate the relationship with your daughter.