BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone...

Ughhh I cannot believe this is happening again. I don’t know what else to do besides write it all here but I’m really upset.

Everything was perfectly fine this morning. We were excited to see each other and hang out. He picked me up and then we got into a little fight but I thought it was resolved quickly.

He just got madder and madder. Barely spoke a word as we were driving around, then just dropped me off an hour later.

I texted him to say that he could call me when he was done with the attitude and thanks for the ride around town. Maybe it wasn’t the nicest but still not the worst thing ever.

Anyway. He sent me back a paragraph saying that he was done trying. He was a “PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) boyfriend” and a “PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) father” and that he failed at everything he tried, and so he was done trying. He said he was tired of defending himself against me over and over and that he was done with me. He ended it with “thanks for everything but please PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) off”. It’s so hurtful it’s almost comical.

I’m not even sure how to feel. I don’t think it’s hit me yet. How can everything be completely fine 2 hours before and suddenly it’s over (again) and he hates me and doesn’t want to even speak to me again. It’s maddeningly frustrating.

What can I do in this situation? I don’t think I’m handling it well but am trying not to totally freak out. I sent him a few messages but now I’m terrified i won’t hear back. I know he probably just needs to eat something and calm down but I really hate this. Any advice is appreciated.

Hi love,

First of all try to just relax.
There's an old saying:  "you can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sail."

We cannot control their behavior. It sounds like you've been here before.

That is, after all, one of the classic BPD behaviors:  I love you/I hate you. Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. The back and forth is exhausting and the anxiety and panic the "breakups" produce is awful.

I totally understand. Been on that treadmill for 25 years.

Once they calm back down, you get that dopamine burst of "honeymoon" and "it's all okay," it was just an argument and we're "back to normal."

However, that is unlikely to last. It's awful, it's sad, and it's a very hard pill to swallow. But, it is a cycle.

You need to try to remember that you are yourself. You are an individual. It is so easy to get sucked into "my life depends on his well-being/happiness/acceptance/calmness/etc." that you completely forget that you were gifted with your OWN life as a human being and have incredible value! You have your own feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. that should be nurtured and supported.

Try some self-love, self-acceptance, self-work, and do things FOR YOU that make you feel good. You will never be able to control him. You'll just be constantly doing "preemptive planning" and/or "damage control". Is that healthy or nourishing for YOUR life?

Do you have a therapist? I'd highly recommend you find one that you can talk to, share your feelings with and get the validation you need that YOU ARE AWESOME! They can teach you coping strategies, how to support your own needs, and work through the awful anxiety and stress of the cycles of BPD relationships.

I wish you well, love!

Keep posting and reading here, too. It helps a lot!   :hug: