BPDFamily.com

So I started talking to my ex w/BPD...friendly conversation/just catching up.  They mentioned hanging out several times and the conversation was going well...talked every day/facetiming/calls etc. then out of the blue they just stopped responding.  It has been about a week now with no response.  Just wondering what triggers this?  If they are the ones that mention seeing each other why would they stop responding?  Also if the whole premise of BPD is fear of abandonment why does it seem like they are always the ones leaving?  Is this a defense mechanism? It doesn't make sense for someone to say they feel alone and then isolate themselves even further by not responding when people reach out.

How do I proceed?  Do I ask why the no contact/if I did something wrong?  Am I supposed to keep reaching out to show that I care or am I supposed to leave it alone?

Don’t expect things to be logical when dealing with a BPD loved one. In addition, intimacy triggers lots of BPD behavior and reactions. This seems nonsensical in that, as you mentioned, they fear abandonment, but getting too close to them is also a scary proposition.

You can gently reach out, but don’t place any demands or ask for explanations.

They ended up responding at 330 in the morning a week after the last response.

I'm trying to navigate into "rekindling" territory but not sure how to do so.  Should I take the late/lack of response as a hint that this is a bad idea?

By “bad idea” are you wondering if trying to rekindle the relationship is right for you?

These relationships are difficult and if you want a partner who is logical, reliable, easygoing, conflict-free, then perhaps you might think deeply about whether this one is suitable for you.

No bad idea meaning they aren't feeling the same based on the lack of response or really late replies... to me that shows uninterest.

I already know that this person is who I want to be with and I'm willing to put in the work to make this relationship work.  But I don't know if flat-out saying that to them is going to trigger something bc as you said getting too close is also scary lol.

it is the natural order of things after a breakup.

generally, both parties do not remain close; they get back to life outside of that old relationship. maybe theres a flash of that, but for the most part, its just nice words.

if you are trying to rekindle the relationship, its important to read this, read where the other person is, and not chase or overpursue. in general, the best card to play, when you can play it, is just to be the most attractive version of yourself. its hard to say what that means in this case specifically, wed need to know more about your relationship and the exchanges youve been having.

what was the last thing you said when you didnt hear from them, and when they got back to you, what did they say?

They texted that they "weren't okay".  I responded with what's going on and no response.  The next morning I asked are you ok (meaning physically cause obviously not so much mentally) no response.  Then I sent a tik tok video of their favorite animal that I thought they would like maybe like 4 days later.  That's what they ended up responding to about 2 days after (at 330 am).  We exchanged a text or two in a joking manner and I sent something relating to an inside joke we have and then no response again.  Its been about 2 or 3 days.  

I'm stuck between I want to keep reaching out so they know I care and I don't want to keep reaching out because it seems I am the only one interested in a conversation and I don't want to seem too pushy/chasing/over pursuing.

i think youve done a pretty good job of this. its a good rule of thumb not to follow up more than once to someone who isnt responding.

"im not okay" is a vague, but still pretty good explanation. there may be a lot going on with them. it may not be something they want to indulge, or they may not be in a place to indulge it.


its important to know that you are approaching this from a different place. for you (im generalizing here) its a prominent thing in your mind. each conversation, long or short, represents a certain significance to your ultimate goal (getting back together). they arent in the same place. for them, sporadic conversation is the natural order of things and doesnt carry the same weight. they arent going to be as preoccupied with the state of the relationship.

its not the worst place to be, necessarily. they did respond. there is warmth there.


the longer the dynamic remains the way it is, the more likely that is to be the case. more than likely, this person is okay with simply being on good terms. you want something different. you want more.

in order to achieve that, you most likely need to change your approach a bit.

it would help us help you do that if we knew more about the circumstances.

who broke up with whom? how recently? why/what happened?