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When the cycle includes raging to the point of breaking stuff and threats of violence.  Pattern is : things somewhat are stable - something happens to trigger him and he can’t let it go. He becomes Obsessive over his opinion.  Then this grows to physical violence either to himself- our house - our stuff . A normal cycle includes  threats to me with hurtful vulgar dialog.  This followed by sadness, regret and self loathing   Suicidal thoughts.  Then a period of calmer waters begins .  While the cycle isn’t as frequent and he’s in a iop which is helping.  It’s still very alarming and terrible way to live.  I feel less and less empathetic.  I’m learning to set boundaries.  He’s honored a few but in a rage all bets are off.  At 24 and 8 years invested to try to seek help for him and now with aging parents who need help for physical health issues too - I’m wearing out.  I’ll set up a run away trip if finances allow. I’m Having a bad night.  Just venting

Your story sounds familiar. Setting boundaries will be helpful in the long run, but the beginning can be really tough.  The loved one with BPD will often react strongly to boundaries, often escalating the inappropriate behavior.  Eventually if you stick to your boundaries, there's a good chance things will improve, at least some what.  At least that was our experience.

It's hard not to take the rages personally.  They probably really aren't about you even though they are aimed at you. In co-dependency programs, they use the phrase, "I didn't cause it. I can't cure it.  I can't control it." In the heat of the meltdowns, I silently repeat this to myself and breathe deeply. I'm still struggling with not taking things personally and not being able to fix this for my stepdaughter.

I'm glad that you are finding ways to take care of yourself.  A run away trip sounds like a good idea.  If you can't afford a trip, do you have a friend that you can spend the weekend with at her house? Distance can really help sometimes.  Ours is currently really angry with us for setting boundaries. She moved out of our house and in with her mom, which is a relief for now. Of course, they are now battling so eventually she will be back with us. I love her and I know that she's suffering, but sometimes I need a break. It's okay to need a break.

Thanks for the post. I am going through the same thing with my adult son & am very frustrated with the manipulation and outbursts.

This what you need to internalize. The rages are not about you, they are not a reflection on you. You can not stop them. Let their rage wash over you like water from a ducks feather. Essentially, gray rock the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) our of them. When they're done, collect yourself and decide on a course of action. Don't make deciusions or pronouncements in the heat of the moment- it never works.

Hi Lostrust. you can see by the responses that your experience is well known to people who come to this site. I have lots of doors with holes in them.

I used to try to 'tidy up' after damage. I hated seeing holes in the walls, doors etc. Then I tried another approach when I realised this was going to go on for a long, long time.

I packed all the things that I care about away.  All damage is left there. My plan is to eventually fix up - plaster, paint etc when the time is right. It is often said that the intensity of BPD diminishes in the fourth decade ie from 30 years on. I do know a couple of BPD people for which this is the case - they still have issues but not the violence etc.

I hope you can get away - on a regular basis would be good. I try to stay  out of the house as much as I can (my car is my place of peace).

My extra $ I am putting away for the 'fixup'. In the meantime, the consequences of the outburst are a constant reminder to my BPD dd.

Glad you are here!

He spun out of control while on a virtual call with therapists. They reported him to local police and have now discharged him as said he needs a more intense treatment beyond a iop.  So police got called by therapists after verbal assault and threats were made.  Followed by Verbal insults to family and friends his attempt of triangulation with 84!year old grandparents.  I had him leave our home for our safety and sanity and he’s been hotel living since.  His friends no longer open doors to him.  No couch surfing offer.  The hotel is not a long term solution but gave me room to breath.  So now what ?  I can’t live with him it’s entirely too toxic and getting more physical,  and i can’t afford hotels much longer.  He won’t go to residential mainly because his refusal to give up his cell phone (investments and his ego attached) and he thinks he’s clever to hide his continued marijuana usage but not so much to which I’m sure he also doesn’t want to give up.  He gets money from his crypto investing but not enough to survive. 100.00 a week max and I pay all his bills. Give him gift cards for food and gas.  And pay cell and hotel. I’m pushing for residential. He needs to learn control of anger and someone other then me to question his non logical thinking.  Hotel end date is at month end. I gave him a deadline to find alternative housing a room sublease   Do I let him sleep in his car. Or cut off his cell? No doubt this will trigger more drama to include police.  I doubt he simply agrees for residential. I fear he’ll land in hospitalization by challenging police. He’s hurting the  health of his grandparents by involving them in his rants and cycles.  Ideas? Suggestions?

losttrust, so much to consider here. I'm just popping by to help you brainstorm since his hotel stay is almost up.

Would it help to separate the different pieces and prioritize into categories, considering things that fall into categories of health and safety (his and your family's) vs 'he'll get upset?' Perhaps you could list things you can control, and things you can't? You might also consider your goals, even setting a timeline to achieve them, or deadlines for him. "I'll pay your phone bill through the end of May, at which time it will be canceled."

If you can, be the person that steers the ship through this chaos. When you make a choice, make it with a clear head and peace in your heart, then lend your confidence and stamina to the situation by sticking with it. I say this knowing that it breaks my heart every time and it's easier said than done.

How can we help?

Hi losttrust,
Phew.  Your post is titled "Raging" so, no surpise it has gotten a lot of clicks (the site is about Borderline Personality Disorder, afterall).

You have only a few responses though, and I sense you could use some advice.  Or maybe even just a little empathy for your situation.  Why did everyone click?  Because the most damaging thing a Borderline does is rage, and we are all the Least equipped to deal with this facet of the disease.

Besides PursingJoy's recommendations, what are your options here?

Have you looked at all possible scenarios and done the cost benefit anaylsis?  You are obviously getting something out of helping your son.  But, is he getting anything out of "helping" you.  I said that in quotes, because that's the way he sees this, you know?

He thinks he's doing you some favor (he's your kid afterall)

Here's the thing.  You are by and far the parent that did everything and anything they could think of of doing.

You're on a website sponsered by National organizations, that help with mental illness problems.

Yet, you feel helpless.

Hotel, cell phone, police?  This is out of your hands, you know?  Whatever happens, you didn't cause it.  The illness did.

gotta give this one over to God.  That's my advice.

b

Thank you much.  The hotel may have been more for me then him. Gave me time to breath and heel too.  His deadline has worked and  he is heading to a residential program that provides many levels of care. 

But I agree setting dates and goals, around phone and fiscal support would help both of us.  This I can do. This time has proven we do better separately.  And I agree, I feel I’ve done my best. It’s time to step away.

Appreciate your thoughts and ideas. 

Hi There,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.

I can only give advice based on my own experience with a BPD loved one. But my biggest insight is to establish some very firm boundaries with your son, for both of you. For instance, if you are providing for him financially, there needs to be an understanding that he is in treatment. If he refuses, hold the boundary and stop funding his choices, even if that means letting him hit rock bottom. You have a lot more agency than you may believe. I say this from having lived it too - protecting him from consequences seems to be keeping him unwell. I've learned the hard way that people with BPD need firm boundaries and keeping them too comfortable to avoid their rage only exacerbates the disorder. That being said, in calmer moments, it is important to try and validate their feelings (not behavior) and establish a connection when you can. I know, it's all so hard. Thinking of you and hoping things improve for you and your family.

son in residential treatment.  been 5 days and he's presenting to them fairly high functioning -this said he's living in a resort like setting  (others cooking, cleaning) He has people focused on him giving him- reassurance,  listening to him and he's getting the validation he seeks. This is a great positive step for him to learn skills and i'm proud of him for missing events with his friends and putting in the efforts in this residential program. Where the disconnect comes is he continues to contact me entirely too much behind the scenes with text and pictures, random thoughts and then future plans he's making in 30 days.  I've asked we talk at his convenience after 6pm.  which we have started and i have asked him to limit his text's shares; he averages 30 a day and i do not engage.  once in a while i'll send him a note to remind him to share later.  I've noticed he seems very happy for the most part and dialog share feels superior in mental health to others at facility. he is planning trips to see friends and dental appointments after the 30 days.   I very much doubt in 30 days he will be significantly prepared for life without some medical / therapeutic.  What i do know is i am being clear that he isn't welcome home and my continued fiscal help is tied to his continued mental health therapy now and in the future.  I view it like college course work continued ed.  He has only a year left on my insurances.  the program has steps levels of care and they can provide him a facility to live while attending a iop after this initial 30 day treatment. I was hopeful this would be his next step- but his one therapist seems to support his ideas of moving out of state without continued care which is confusing.  while, I agree he can move as a adult anywhere he wants i would hope they'd suggest some sort of life line for him as well or help set up a therapists where ever he does land. I am concerned they are supporting a non medical option, after only 5 days-         

I'm glad to hear residential treatment is going well, all things considered. And I hope you are getting a much-needed break yourself. I think it's good that you are only deciding which texts and calls to respond to, and definitely not all...my therapist often says that you have to teach someone with BPD how to be in a relationship with you, and often no response or silence says enough about behavior you'd like to extinguish.

One thing about the residential program - if you are paying for any of it, or your insurance is, I think you are well within reason to ask your son to sign a disclosure for you to check-in with his therapist for updates. BPD impacts the whole family as you know, and it could be helpful for you to know how things are going, so you can best support your son. As we also know, people with BPD have their version of events, so I would take everything your son says about the treatment and their recommendations with a grain of salt (i.e that the therapist supports him moving etc.) This would also be a good time for you to get the support you need - whether it's your own therapist, family or friends. Once he is out of residential treatment, there's a good chance you will need to hold strong boundaries as he will want to see if he can go back to the way things were (speaking from my own experience). If you hold the strong boundary, he has a better chance of moving forward and continuing to improve.

Wise council.  And yes. I already hear his version of his future which differs from our agreement. -I’m having to restate his reality frequently while giving him praise for efforts towards improved mental health and for his future too.  Day 7. I have a meeting with his therapist today and will get facts.