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I don't know who to talk to about my current frustration. I think people outside of the BPD community wouldn't really understand me.

I have been married for seven years. There have been ups and downs, some of them caused by me.

In the last few months my wife has been insistent that her cousin stay with us for the summer. We live in a small apartment and run into each other with just the two of us.

I did not feel comfortable with the idea from the start and expressed my concerns. Privacy, lack of space. More than anything I was bothered by my lack of consent. From the start this was just something that was happening and I was to move out of the way.

A few days ago we were having a fight about several things at once and I told her that she was a bully. It didn't come out the best way, mostly out of rage.

I told her that I never got a say just like having her cousin move in with us.

She became very upset with me about how angry I got and basically ignored what I was saying about being bullied.

The next day she told me that either her cousin was going to move in or that she was going to move out for the summer.  Again, I felt bullied. Unfortunately, I just caved.

The truth is it's not so much about her cousin (and dog) staying for the summer but it's more about not feeling valued in the relationship. I feel like I am dealing with a spoiled five year old who will destroy things if he doesn't get his way.

I did suggest that if this is the case that we should separate our finances. When her cousin comes there tends to be a black hole that sucks out our money (eating out, shopping). She also had a fit about this but I think that I ultimately won. If possible.

Is it a fair trade off?

Sorry, I just had to ramble and vent.

There’s nothing inherently fair when you have a BPD partner who is upset. They tend to feel like the victim, when often it is they who are victimizing others.

You must have strong boundaries in these relationships. I think separating finances is a good idea, knowing that her cousin will be adding to the expenses.

What I’d caution you about is not getting into these tit for tat types of arguments/arrangements. It will undermine your marriage in the long run.

That said, I don’t see anything wrong in letting her have the sole financial responsibility for her cousin, since it was a unilateral decision.