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So I finally walked away from my bdp ex month ago, it got to the point that I was so isolated and struggling to cope that I tried to take my own life over the Christmas holidays. I had never felt so emotionally drained or alone.

Since then my bdp ex had turned up at my house, many of times and told me everything I wanted to hear that he would be starting therapy and he knows how much I care and the issues he had faced all his life. I told him I loved him but he needed to get better for us to work. Valentine’s Day came and he started accusing me of lots of things and hallucinations he said he had minimal sleep in 3 days so I called his family for help, who all blocked me, I then called a for a welfare check on to receive more abuse of his ex gf (mother of his child) and him.

I just couldn’t cope, the police got involved and told us not to contact in which we didn’t for a week, after that he kept apologising and again saying everything I wanted to hear. I felt like we were just going round in circles so I bit the biller and spoke to him and completely opened up and told him exactly how I felt that I loved him and wanted to work on it through therapy. (Something he previously said he wanted to do with me)

Then from that moment everything again became my fault. I was the one with BPD  and I’m the toxic one and so on and so on.

He has since said he wants nothing to do with me and that he doesn’t care if I died and since not heard from him. (It’s only been 3 days).

Now we know they’re ill, but can he really mean that. It’s just completely floored me and drained me once again.

I’m so sorry you found yourself in such a desperate situation over the holidays.  :hug: :hug:

You’ve given your heart to a very emotionally difficult person. People with BPD are usually very reluctant to enter into therapy, which is unfortunate because without it, they will repeat these behavioral cycles over and over.

Which leads me to ask if you’re doing therapy. It can be so utterly devastating to experience some of the behaviors you’re familiar with. Even mental health professionals who have BPD clients, will frequently schedule therapy appointments for themselves to decompress afterwards. I strongly suggest that however your relationship evolves, that you find a good therapist to work with you.

I have, I feel like this is why I’m so frustrated at myself for years previously I have been to therapy and I thought I was in a good place, then book I clearly became so co dependent on this.”behaviour.

I have fully accepted that my ex never actually cared about me all he cared about was what I could do for him. He said he could never fully be himself around me and that’s exactly because he’s not a nice person. He would always “respect” the enablers more and the people that did nothing for him, and i can see this so clearly now. I just want to forget this nightmare and to forgive me self for believe he was the person he said he wanted to be and not who he is. I’ve literally hated myself and allowed him to effect me in such way; and I’m embarrassed and trying so hard to forgive myself for this.

He is going to therapy, so he says, however he’s said his therapist has said I’m toxic I’m BPD and that I’m a bad person. All I know what I therapist wouldn’t say. In to which I said you have physically abused me twice so if this was the case, along with you reading through my therapy diaries from years ago, and phone and emails then you are lying to her and you won’t get better.

Honestly, I’m just so angry at myself and I want it all to just go away. Sorry for the rant, I’m clearly not ok

The first step is to forgive yourself. You got involved with someone who showed you his ideal side, which turned out to have little overlap with how he behaved day to day.

We here understand and have been through similar situations.  :hug: :hug:

I stayed with a guy who hit me, had multiple affairs, spent money so flagrantly that I wondered how we’d pay for utilities and food, and abused drugs. I realized after a while that I never really loved him, but I was so invested in the relationship that I thought I could someday get him to return to the idealized self that he presented when we first got together.

Nope. Didn’t happen. I had to break free and learn to love myself.

Cat is right. You have to forgive yourself. You can start with the assurance that no one can possibly be as bad as a BPD partner accuses them of being. A sad thing is that we are sensitized somehow to the agony of our partner. It is because deep down they are so certain that they are unforgivably evil, that they must project this evil onto you. And so, you suffer.

Your s/o will of course tell you that his therapist believes it's all your fault. Who is the therapist getting their information from?

Take it One Day At A Time, and get some help.

Thank you for being here,

I know and I’ve read up all on this, it still doesn’t make it easier, and your right he was like this long before me and will be after. I’m at the strange in my life where I want to settle down. He literally turned up at my house uninvited yesterday just to tell me he was worried about me and that I’m the ill one and he wants to get me sectioned. Obviously this made me extremely upset I was just like leave. Why even come here to pretend you care when you just want to make it worse. I wish I hadn’t of shown emotion but I’m just drained and couldn’t. I know full well I won’t be reaching out to him and it’s more than likely he won’t me now. So I can start to just move on.

Any tips? To not want to contact them?

Journaling helps. I ended up writing almost an entire novel’s lenght account about my relationship with my ex. Seeing it in written form makes it hard to deny, excuse, minimize, or otherwise rationalize that it really wasn’t that bad—yes it was!   :cursing:

I'd like to share this because I think I witnessed an identical occurrence with my uBPDw earlier this year.  Last year with all the goings on political and virus, she went off the deep end espousing her views on her social media account.  As a result, it appeared that almost all of her old friends blocked her.  Not because they had differing opinions of the goings-on in the world, but because she was being unkind to them in a passive-aggressive way.  It turned out that was the case and recently on her social media she was bantering with a new like-minded friend in a belittling and condescending way toward her old friends and she made the comment that maybe she should send it to all of them directly since everyone seems to have blocked her (that is one similarity in that they can't just have their views and leave well-enough alone).  One of these old friends happened to check in and saw what she said and gave her a giant spoonful of truth in that everyone did cut her off because of her blanket condemnation and ridicule for anyone that didn't agree with her and told her that her refusal to disagree with anyone civilly made her  impossible to deal with, so they all just moved on.  It was masterfully written.  I don't necessarily agree with any of these people politically myself, but they are all good, decent, civil people and they were being disrespected in a very passive-aggressive way.  I could debate any one of them on any issue and still walk away friends.

Here is the important part.  In all of that, the (former) friend stated that she thought my wife had been deceived... and noted the irony in that each thinks the other has been deceived.  Aside from that, the entire thing was for the purpose of calling her out, not for her beliefs, but her bad behavior.

As a result, because I guess this dressing-down was seen publicly, my wife went into damage control mode and started messaging anybody directly that she thought she could pull on to her side about how, "I feel so sorry for her, she is so deceived" when that wasn't even the point.  It just strikes me as very similar to what you experienced in that now, given your  ex's new accusation, you are the one with BPD that needs to be committed.  Don't take it personally.  It's probably not nearly as much an attack on you as it is a way for him to defend himself from a truth that is too hard for him to swallow.  These people can't see past their end of their own nose.  He's looking for any way to defend himself without giving any regard to the pain that he's causing you.

As far as tips for not wanting to contact him: It sounds to me like contact brings pain.  Remind yourself that contacting him is essentially like touching a hot stove whenever you are feeling of a mind to reach out and you will probably change direction pretty quick.  I hope I haven't overstepped or misapplied my assessment with any of the above.  Wishing you brighter days ahead!

Again,

Thank you so much for your help. It’s been 2 days now and honestly I don’t want to contact him. Funnily enough I he was beeping at me from his car in which I didn’t acknowledge then got bombarded with emails, again saying I looked better than the day before and clearly I’m not upset and I planned it all and I’m sick. His number is blocked and his emails now are. I didn’t respond and you’re absolutely right.

Hearing anything from him or engaging in any conversation only causes me pain. Why would I want to reach out to anyone who wants me to be miserable. He even said his therapist said he’s fine and I’m ill, all I know which isn’t true: I’ve had my own therapy long enough to deal with that. For the first time in 18 months, I kind of feel free. Today again he tried to call me off 2 different numbers, for what reason I don’t know or care.

Journalling used to help me but now I just find myself real eating myself and getting so angry at myself, I just want it all to be done with, to go away.

Isn’t it strange how we fall in love with a fantasy version of that person!

Again thank you for your help, it means so much.

sometimes we prefer war to peace.

put another way, sometimes silence or loneliness is scary, and drama is preferable, no matter how draining it can be.

sometimes it can be a way of avoiding grieving.

it could be any of those things. my advice would be to accept that you want to contact him (or did, at least), step back, and observe those feelings.

Thankyou.

Just thought I’d give a quick update I’ve not tried to Initiate contact but have received messages saying that I have messed with his head and how could I do this to him, is he that much of a bad person that I want to destroy him.

Honestly I know there’s two sides to the story and then the truth but I am being completely honest here.

I don’t know how it can go from me telling him I didn’t want to not try with him. To me apparently being the ill one, for him then wanting nothing to do with me and for me to focus on me and get help, to then calling me a lier when he sees me out in my car to then me being blamed and accused of wanting to ruin his life!

Makes absolutely no sense!

Following on..: I am still receiving abusive emails threatening to get me sectioned and saying how horrible of a person I am and that I’m ill and bla bla. I have received 5 emails and 8 missed called over 5 days.

He still clearly convinced I’m the one who needs help.

Which yes I may do, only because I’ve been drained by him. Has anyone else experienced the same?

it may be easiest to think of this as one persons dysfunctional way of coping with a breakup.

think, if you will, of the person who gets out of a relationship, and posts all over facebook about their "toxic ex". blame is one way of coping with a breakup. its a way not at all uncommon to BPD, and can be more or less extreme when thats the case.

thats not to discourage any of us from exploring our relationships/a breakup with a balanced perspective, but it is to suggest that what youre experiencing now is, in general, less about you, and more about his way of coping.

how are you responding, if you are? how do you want to respond, or not?

one idea might be to route his emails to the trash, or to a particular folder. you could even get a trusted friend to read them, and only let you know if theres something in them that you really need to know.

They are going to my junk but as I know they’re there I still read them. I went three days without but then I was speaking witha friend and she told me to read them incase he needed help. In which I didn’t. He’s not sent one within 24 hours so hopefully I won’t now.

I haven’t responded at all. He’s also saying he’s spoken to a solicitor who has advised that the will be served, even though I haven’t contacted him. So I know this is a lie and if he was to have spoken to one they most definitely would be telling him not to keep contacting me. I don’t want to respond, why would I?

You still battle with the head confusion that you are to blame though don’t you. I just feel like in my heart I know the truth and that I’m really not to blame. Then because he keeps saying it to me and clearly convinced himself I question my reality. It’s so annoying.

What happens next?

is there a part of you that wants there to be something that happens next?

No! I just don’t want a smear campgain but I think I’m being naive if I think this in the last that I will hear from him!

Honestly it feels like he is giving you a gift by staying away. I have tried to leave my BPD partner a dozen times. Every single time she calls texts and emails dozens and dozens of times. Saying things like we are too old to break up, have too much invested to break up, I don;'t have a right to break up with her. She knows I have a propensity to feel guilty, so she preys on that. Saying I owe her another chance. Gone are the days when she even tries to pretend to be nice to get me to stay. She completely and utterly dehumanizes me, and I go back because of my immature need to show her I am not a bad person.

Honestly, I wish when I said,"I don't want to see you anymore," she would say "Okay". I mean, breaking up is so darn hard. It is even harder when they won't let go. Your partner is actually giving you room to leave. That is a gift.

Hello Breakingpoint13

I'd suggest it isn't as simple as him being convinced that you are the one that needs help.    What he is doing isn't 'helping'.    It's off loading a toxic amount of guilt, shame and hurt by projecting it on you.   Projection is weird.   Essentially he  is taking all the things he thinks and fears about himself and making it all about you.   It's not honest.    Its not real.    Its not productive.     It's not self aware.    It's not reflective.

What he is displaying is an unhealthy amount of enmeshment.   Enmeshment happens to some extent in most long term relationship but in a relationship with a disordered person it reaches oppressive and damaging levels.

In my opinion - enmeshment becomes unhealthy when it reaches this stage of trying to demand the other change to correct, fix and meet the needs and expectations of the one making the demand.   let me see if I can say that better.    When requests for change move into demands and commands the relationship is unhealthy for everyone.

I would encourage you to not participate in unproductive circular conversations.    especially not ones with this level of covert threats.

I would encourage you to establish firm boundaries that protect you from ongoing dysfunction.    

What would a boundary around this look like to you?

'ducks

So he hasn’t sent me a bus I’ve emails in 2 days now. I care for him deeply but there’s only so many times he can tell me he doesn’t care about me before I believe it. It’s been confusing as the last time I saw him (I week ago when he turned up uninvited) it was because he was worried about me and wanted me to focus on me, to the next day calling me a lier because he had seen me out and I wasn’t crying.

I did at the time say to him I felt this was a reflection on how he was feeling but he’s completely convinced otherwise, and again even making up scenarios that haven’t happened in the way he’s saying.

I haven’t responded to any of the accusations and after him saying he was going to get me sectioned after not responding for 5 days, tbh I’m too afraid to even reach out, so I don’t feel like any boundaries need to be in place. It’s like I want him to care, I want him to be the person he is but I know he never will be, to scream at me and say I’m ill and then to do nothing but through abuse at me since and not even ask it I’m ok proves this does it not?

Or is this just the cycle he’ll do, then next minute he’ll care again? I’ve just been so confused about what is real and what isn’t.

I understand what you are saying Breakingpoint.


people with BPD have harmfully intense emotions that change very rapidly.   from what you describe he is rapidly cycling through some extreme highs and lows.


Yes.   for pwBPD feelings equal facts.    we use a phrase here.   'emotional dysregulation'.    maybe you have seen it or read about it.     people who dysregulate have a poor ability to manage emotional responses or to keep them within an acceptable range of typical emotional reactions.    he is dysregulated and attempting to process it using some maladaptive tools. until he returns to baseline (less dysregulated) it will be very difficult to have a conversation.


boundaries are wonderful things that protect us even when other people aren't involved.   Once Removed suggested a boundary - don't read messages from him.   that's a good boundary.   another boundary is limiting the amount of time you work to figure this out to an hour every day.    or something like that.  another good boundary would be balancing the amount of negativity with some good self care.    eating well, exercising.   boundaries around how much toxicity you absorb.



it's all very real.    it's also changing very quickly.    when mood swings are this volatile, the recommendation is to not add any more emotion into the mix.

what do you think?

 

It really means a lot your response. Thankyou.

I have been keeping myself busy, I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs so Im quite well equipped to not go off the rails as such when I’m hurting. He’s also told me he’s moved with someone else. (Which he has also previously said and then denied). So I feel like any time thinking about him is a waste, I don’t deserve this. You can’t though stop that what’s in the back of your mind. I just wish this was a situation my head and heart didn’t have to deal with. It’s such a confusing illness as you don’t know if you ever meant anything to them.

I know he genuinely can’t be happy right now, no matter what he portrays.

I’m actually quite struggling with this now, I wanted to reach out and defend myself from him last message (5days ago) and defend myself and say that what he was accusing me off. Being mentally ill, not caring, being fake and manipulating him wasn’t true.  But what even would I actually get from that. Will he know that’s not true? Do I just have to remind myself that this is his illness? Or is he well and it’s me? :s

I think this is the longest he’s gone without trying to through something at me. no contact. However I have noticed ive been unlocked for which why would you do that if you were threatening legal action on me for. Surely if you thought I was so bad you’d just keep me blocked?

these are very difficult relationships we find ourselves in.   there is a lot of hurt and pain.     it is totally normal to want to defend yourself when attacked.    we get used to the pattern of push I hate you go away - pull I love you come here.

let me ask you a question.   take a moment to draw a couple deep breaths and think about this.

if you reached out to him how would this time be different?   what are you going to do or say that would make this time different?

there are tools and skills in the LESSONS section here that make communicating potentially more productive.    the key to most of them is we have to be in a calm confident place ourselves.    able to maintain our composure and not be drawn into a circular argument.    are you at that place?

blocking, unblocking.   is this the way mature healthy individuals communicate?  we have a saying here.   for things to get better first they have to stop getting worse.      which means someone has to stop the cycle of conflict.    someone has to stop having the same argument over and over again.      can that be you?

what do you think?

You’re right and I’ve tried that.

I just wanted to reach out and say I care and that he said wasn’t true, but then I looked at my last message to him, and that’s all it was, me telling him how much I care and how I’m not the devil and that I am there etc etc.

Then the last message I received was how much he hates me and how ill I am. I can’t understand at all why he would unblock me, but I just need to say strong and resist the urge to message. If this is an episode or not, why do I want to be with someone who’s openly saying they don’t want me.

I just need to man up!

BreakingPoint, when our partners say they don't love me, we know they that do and that they are speaking through pain. That makes it easy for us to message them. If your messages convey nothing but love and compassion, he will read those messages when he is not longer heightened and know how you feel. The blocking thing is tricky because we don't want to block them - they will believe we have abandoned them -  making it hard to ignore their messages and protect ourselves.

Give the relationship space and time.
 
He sounds like he has fallen down a deep hole. There is likely nothing you can say or do to pull him back up at this point, and you may have to wait in silence. In the past when my partner has behaved this way, I found that keeping away and not talking to him the only thing to work, however painful it is. He has to experience the consequences of his own behaviour.

Reading your words reminds me so much of my experiences with my partner. They are devastating and I cannot imagine it lasting for as long as you have endured. I truly hope that you are able to find peace and moments in your day to allow you kindness, compassion, and respite from the turmoil you are experiencing. I do hope that your partner can find the same as well, and the the relationship can flourish in the future.

Yes, absolutely. When my relationship went off the rails I became very depressed. I was standing on a bridge ready to jump off, but decided not to. I even wrote a note. This was all spurred on as a result of a week long fight that we had when she pushed me out of the way while I was trying to take care of our baby, when she previously asked me to.

I didn't say anything about it to her the day I was on the bridge, but when she picked a fight with me the next day, I made the mistake of showing her the note. I was trying to explain (don't JADE that ends badly) what our fighting was doing to me.

For the next five months she figuratively waved the note over my head. I put myself in therapy right after all of this with the goal of ending the fighting.

I'll skip ahead through five months of continued drama over the stupid note. By this point, I was completely fed up with hearing about the note. She was just not getting that the note was caused by our continued conflict. In our last fight while we were still cohabitating, she brought up the stupid note again. I made mistake of saying, "Not jumping off the bridge was the biggest mistake of my life." I was trying to leave, because that was the only way to end a fight with her. She wouldn't let me because she thought I was suicidal. Started wrestling with me, and eventually called 911. The police came, took me to the hospital in handcuffs. I spent the day in the hospital until my parents drove across the state to get me out.

The next day, I sent her a message to let her know I was O.K. It seemed like the considerate thing to do, at the time. For the next week she told me I was crazy, and she was filing for full custody because I was a risk to the baby.

She was the one who drove me crazy, through constant criticism, and guilt tripping. I didn't understand it at the time, but now I do. I've been analyzing our text exchanges with my therapist. He agrees she has BPD. It's nice to know I'm not completely at fault.

So, yes, absolutely this has happened to me. It's messed me my head up more than anyone will ever comprehend.

I’ve never told anyone this before, but when I was with my abusive BPD ex-husband, in the midst of a fight while we were driving on a winding road, I tried to open the truck door to jump out. He reached over and grabbed the door handle, preventing me from doing so.

Even if I had, I probably wouldn’t have injured myself much, as we were traveling at about 25 mph. But it was a wake up call to me, realizing that I began wondering about my own sanity.

These relationships can be extremely stressful, something that is important to keep in mind.

When we are immersed in craziness, it takes a lot of discipline to maintain our own sense of normalcy. That’s why it’s good to have friends and family and outside interests to keep us grounded.

Thank you so much for opening up to me. In such a bitter sweet way I’m just so relieved what I’ve gone through is something I haven’t experienced on my own.

The last couple of days I have been an emotional wreck. Still contemplating messaging him to reinstate the last message I sent saying how much I cared and that I’m not ill. Then again the words that he hates me and so on. Just why why, he’s not even reached out to apologise and it’s coming onto a week of him not contacting which is the longest He’s gone. With that being abuse or not.

I think I was worried of the smear campaign or anyone else believing his lies, yet why do I care, if he has told people I’m ill. Not a single person has reached out to me and asked if I’m ok. So why would I care.

I completely get what you mean by your ex using that one thing against you. He would constantly do it to me. He once read an old therapy diary I had from a narcissistic ex. I didn’t know even existed, and was from around 4 years ago and from then he constantly used that and blamed me for any failed relationship. I clearly have in resolved issues of codependency, and as for him claiming I have bpd absolutely not. I have so much empathy for him and literally made myself ill worrying for him. I also know at times I have acted out of anger but I understand now that is me mirroring the abuse he’s given me. It’s not who I am or what I stand for. He has even said that to me before. I just literally hit my breaking point and I just want to heal and not have to deal with any of these emotions any more.

Again thank you for sharing your experience with me. It helps more than you will ever know. I broke down today to friends who I said I felt like I couldn’t talk to because they didn’t understand what it’ was like to deal with a bpd or be on the receiving end of an abusive relationship. It’s so easy for them to say get over it, you can do better and you don’t deserve this.

Like we know! But there’s something we saw in them that we loved, and letting go of that is hurtful.

How long would your partner go without contacting you?

I’m sorry you also had to experience this.

Sorry I just realise half my reply has been put into your response...

I’ve messed up. I responded to his last message being really nice saying what he was accusing me of wasn’t true, that I know he’s. Hurting and I wish I could go back and take the pain away from his childhood. Which we have had many conversations about.

And I just got a reply saying how I was mad, I’m nothing to go with him. He’s fine not ill and he wants nothing to with my brainwashing.

He’s been diagnosed  with BPD so why now am I so hurt and feel like I am to blame? I know I’m not, just after two weeks of me not speaking to him. I really wasn’t expecting that response

You didn't mess up.    You are still learning about you. What drives your responses.   And how to cope with a difficult relationship.

What many of us have experienced is an almost overwhelming desire to contact.    Even when we know it may not be good for us.   Even when we know reasonable conversation may not be available to us.

For most of us the early stages of our relationship really boosted our self esteem.    We felt like the best people in the world.

And when the relationship changes and suddenly we are called the worst people in the world,  we feel that quite deeply too.

It's our own need to lift our self esteem that keeps us going back time after time.   Trying to recapture that feeling of being the best person in the world.

Right now he can't give that to you.    But you can give it to yourself.

Make any sense?

He’s actually left the country and said to go away because I was ruining his holiday. That’s the only message I have sent, and I won’t respond. I really did just think he would be experiencing and episode and my message would calm him. Clearly not. And the fact he’s on holiday enjoying himself whilst I’m here breaking my heart.

I guess I should just accept he’s not ill and just an arse, maybe then I can get over it.

I just wish I never messaged. I have to stop believing I am to blame for this and that I’m ill. He was arrested yes many times, took many drugs and had many failed and meaningless relationships before me. So why do I believe it’s me! I hate this.

I’m just so up and down sometimes I feel great then I just feel upset and hurt again.

I’m sorry for being so upset on here, I just can’t talk to certain people about it as they don’t understand being on the receiving end of a boderline. All I get is ignore him and move on and that I’m stupid for being upset.

It's natural and normal to be upset when a relationship ends.   

It's very understandable to struggle when a toxic relationship hits the rocks.  We have all been where you are.   

You are not to blame for his behavior.   He was doing this long before he met you.

Right now things feel pretty overwhelming.    Can you refresh my memory,  are you in therapy for your self?  To help you recover from this?

Yes I am, it’s just proving extremely costly at the moment as I live alone. I am looking into other ways around this. I also find it hard to speak to people who don’t understand BPD also.

I just hate the situation I’ve put myself in. I don’t want to be so hurt any more over someone who doesn’t care if I’m hurting. I thought he once cared, I know he now never did and that’s also what’s hard to accept.

I clearly have some codependency issues in which I am working on but I just wish I could be in that place now.

Thank you again for listening to me

This is a process.    It takes time.    There has been a good deal of trauma in what you have experienced.   

Progress isn't linear.   It is more a couple of steps forward and then a couple of steps back.

Be kind to your self today.    Make sure to take good care of you.

Is this normal for them? Does he genuinely believe this? Will he try and reach out again?

I wish I could answer your questions with 100% certainty.  But the honest truth is that,  while there's a great deal of common behavior amongst pwBPD, it's the unique experiences of their individual lives that create their behavior.

Yes.  People with BPD believe the emotions of the moment are absolutely accurate and will last forever.   Until the next emotional storm comes along and wipes this one away.

No one can predict when that will happen and that is why it's important to get yourself in the best and most stable state.

You are completely right.

All I’m doing at the moment is crying over someone that doesn’t care about me, or himself. To now be in denial after doing the last 6 months of therapy. If he can’t care about himself, he never will me!

I need to not check my junk emails ever again and hopefully I can stay strong and not let this consume me any more.

The heart wants what the heart wants.  :hug:

Unfortunately lots of times what the heart wants was an illusion. People with BPD are ever so good at mirroring us in the beginning and we believe we’ve found our soulmate.

But, as in all things, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you read these threads for several years, one of the recurring themes is new members asking how to get the honeymoon phase back.

It’s tragic for them to realize that it will likely never return.

Better to build upon the solid ground of reality than the shifting sands of fantasy.

If the person in your life has many good qualities, the relationship might be redeemable. If not, you’ll be in for much misery.

I need to accept that the relationship will never be what I thought it could please.

Please just answer me this. I’m not ill am I, even though I have paid for a psychological evaluation... I still feel like because he’s so convinced that I’m ill and he’s not thay I’ve got it wrong! 

BP13,
I understand you are badly hurt.   I understand you are seeking reassurances.    Still I think we both know that nothing I could possibly write here is going to help you feel better if you continue to be driven by what he says.

A couple of questions for you.

You are in therapy right?  Did your therapist ever tell you that you have a serious mental illness?

Do you have a history of high conflict chaotic relationships?

Have trouble holding a job or maintaining friendships?

Abuse drugs or alcohol?

I think the only question here is why you are so willing to believe him rather than the evidence of your own life.

When is the last time you spoke with your therapist?

I am yes and no, I’ve been told I’m just a victim of mental abuse.

Again no, this is the first one I have experienced to be like this.

No I have a close group of friends, who I look up to, and who motivate me to do better things.

I have never taken a drug in my life and I barely drink. I actually have touched alcohol since September in which was the last time we drank together. (For his birthday) and he went for me In front of his friends because I had spent too much time in the bathroom.  With the lock down I’ve not been in the right place to drink and not touched it since.

I’m noticing here, I am self aware, so why am I letting this effect me! I spoke to them two days ago.

I’m just so up and down with it and I think I just wasn’t expecting the response and blame I got today after two weeks of not reaching out to him.

I don't believe there is any such thing as being ~~just ~~ the victim of mental abuse.

You have been abused.     You haven't recovered from that yet.    And then you received more abuse.   Granted you put yourself in the position for more abuse by hoping that a person you care about would speak nicely to you.

It's the equivalent of breaking your leg 6 months ago and then trying to run a marathon today.

To me it looks like you aren't giving yourself enough time to heal before you try speaking with him again.

I shouldn’t be speaking with him again. It’s obvious he doesn’t care. I know he was like this even before me, now I have been the fuel to his fire. Previously when I’ve asked his family for help with his episodes (one in which he nearly od’d on sleeping tablets when he had his son) due to insomnia, his parents have blocked me. His child’s mother from my experience is most definitely a narcissist and his parents never want to acknowledge the problems.

You’re right I really do need to heal. I thought I was a whole person, clearly I’m not.

Good Lord. I made my first post a little while ago without reading this.

I am comforted to know I"m not the only one dealing with an out of control spouse, but I'm deeply saddened we're all going through it.

I'm in my 50s and it's the second marriage for both of us. His kids are grown and I don't have any. Splitting up would be very easy for us, an uncontested divorce is pretty easy to get in the state we live in.

What I feel from reading your stories is that we have to set boundaries and look out for ourselves, because they just cannot.

I’m so sorry your going through this

I decided last night that he has had too much of my happiness and illness or not, no one deserves this. I’ve become a shell of myself and this is not who I am.

They’re not fully happy people and don’t have the ability to be, where as we do. I did everything I can to help that boy and the ones who have cared to know both sides of the story know this. A lot that he’s said had been lies but why am I beating myself up for this. I didn’t tell them... it was him. It’s not a life I want. I don’t know about you, but I want children, whether that’s my own or fostering and I cdd as. See in his child major problems W
That will occur later on in life. The thing is it’s not just him, it’s who he is and everyone around him. I’m assuming he’s given up on therapy now because there’s “nothing wrong with him and I’m the ill one” so why after  6 months would it change?

Have you experienced the same kind of blame and guilt?

After my first night of drinking in 9 months I got a little sad and sent a message that said. Just been to that wedding… such a shame…

Look at the response,

Like you ever invited me anywhere anyway you’d rather be sat draped on some black guy at your mates birthday than invite me out stop contacting me

It genuinely made me so sad that anyone could even type or use those words. Think I needed to see it to remind me though that he is literally in another world… it’s clear he’s clearly looking to project anything onto me and to find an argument in anything. I wish I didn’t have so much empathy for him though, because all I want to do is say I hope you can get better.

I also unblocked him so that his number and profile picture was no where in my phone, as I could see him uploading a profile pic of him and someone else shortly. I know he won’t contact me but I feel better for knowing it’s not there for me to look at. I’m also feeling a huge amount of guilt at the minute, is this normal?

This is my suggestion BreakingPoint.

When someone tells you to stop contacting them,  Stop.

Take him at his word.  Believe that right now contact is not a good idea.

Every time you contact him you injure your self again.

No I will, I have only contacted twice. We forget the three weeks of constant messages I had off him when I didn’t respond once.

I think I struggle accepting just how awful he is

I know full well I shouldn’t be doing it and kick myself every time!

Does no one else seem to struggle?

Every one struggles.   That's why we have a whole website dedicated to this.  :)

the board you are posting on is for people staying in the relationship or recovering a broken relationship.   You would get a different type of support on the detaching board.

Apologies I thought I was going through recovery?

I shall look at the other one.

No apologies needed.    You can post wherever you like.

I mention it so you can identify what is the best fit for you.

On the top of each board is a message titled "who should post on this board "   its pined there so it never moves.    It is meant to help you get the most out of your time here.

i think what i was asking is: is there a point at which youd rather have some level of contact, even if its negative, because its better than the alternative?

i wouldnt want to push you in either direction...either letting go, or trying to reconcile the relationship. personally, im not sure where i would have belonged when i arrived here, i was all over the place. the most important thing, ultimately, was for me to work to get centered, and then i could better understand my path, and work from there, even as i struggled. no part of it was easy.

i think members are trying to help you to do that. because whether your heart wants out of the relationship, or wants it back, this approach is not an ideal strategy for either path. thats not a judgment; i dont think anyone ever approaches it perfectly, if there is such a thing, and least of all me. but most of all, we want to help you find your footing, because things get easier when that happens.