BPDFamily.com

Married lesbian with two children, aged 20 months and 3 weeks (my BPD wife is the birth mother but we are both legal parents).
We have bigger issues surrounding my wife not wanting to see my family, and not liking me even sharing photos with them.. but this is a very specific situation I would like advice on.
So my mum sent a little dress for the toddler as an Easter present. It is a jumper dress for cooler weather and size 18-24 months. Surprisingly my wife actually said that she liked the dress and immediately texted my mum to thank her.
Over the next few weeks I gently suggested a couple of times that child wear dress. “Yes she will, not today..” I am aware that the child is going to grow out of it before she is two, and that in the next few weeks the weather in England may become too warm to wear it (not too likely but it is my wife’s judgement that counts around here).
Today my wife is in hospital with our other baby who hasn’t been well. I made the stupid decision to put the child in the dress and texted my wife a picture straight away. Bad move! She texted back a crying face: “I don’t get to be there for her new outfit!” I immediately said sorry and I would take it off her and I got her changed.
I have only recently started standing up for myself a little bit after seven years in this relationship. It’s such a hard decision whether to stand up for myself (and my mother’s rights to have her gift used, and my daughter’s rights to wear a gift from Granny - she’s not old enough to understand). It’s easier to just try and keep my wife happy but I feel like I’m letting my mum down. She used to ask whether the child had worn gifts but now as she hardly gets any photos, she doesn’t bother. Even I have clothes my mum has bought me which my wife has told me not to wear.
How can I get my daughter in the dress with the least upset to my BPD wife? (And send mum a pic) I’m so sad that I have to face this situation and feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Broken Person,

I think if you take a wide perspective, you will see this is about control, and not the dress. Not "allowing" you to wear something your mother sent you is control, not the outfit.

My BPD mom gets upset at me for the smallest thing. If I take the trash out, she'll tell me I put it 3 inches to the wrong place on the curb. As if the trash collector even cares. It's not about the trash bin, it's control.

How can you get the dress on your child without your wife getting upset? How can you wear something your mom sent you without your wife getting upset? You probably can't, but if you continue to walk on eggshells and not do things you know are OK to do because you fear her getting upset, - well you have just handed over total control to her.

Boundaries are something to consider. You can choose what you wish to wear. It's your child too and you can put a dress on her if you wish. But you can't control your wife's feelings. Sometimes though, when we stop giving in, they have to learn that their being upset doesn't give them control.

Not Wendy,
Thank you so much. I know that you are right, and I am determined to find more strength to stand up for myself and especially my children. Our older little girl has lived her whole life attached to my wife, sleeping in the bed with her while I’m in spare room with the dog. She puts her to sleep in the cot too day time because she breastfeeds her. This has always been her excuse why I can’t hold her long because it has a detrimental effect on her milk supply. And god forbid the poor child ever fell asleep on me so couldn’t be breasted to sleep. We have challenges ahead with the new baby, who was in hospital for two weeks. The older child now comes to me for stories because my wife can’t read stories while breastfeeding. She is extremely jealous of our child’s love for me. I need to be the stable, strong parent because it is upsetting for our little girl when I’m told to ignore her. But I just try to do the right thing because I don’t like my wife shouting in front of the children.