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Hi everyone,

After a month of no contact, I received the following text from my uBPDex:

“Hey, ultimately I want to apologize to you. I could of been better to you in many aspects of what a true relationship should be. I’m thinking back at my thoughts when we were together and I was very unhealthy, but we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Learning from them is key. Knowing better and doing better. This world taught me a lot and I will teach what I learned. This is my last text to you. No need for you to text me back, its okay. Blessings to you and your family”

Not sure how to make sense of this! We had a horrible breakup in January and he even started a smear campaign against me that was full of degrading lies. We went no contact for 3 months after the breakup but then got in touch again in April to retrieve some of my things. Our last meeting was cordial and I even forgave him for all that he’s done. I do feel bad that he is suffering from this horrible mental illness. The last time I saw him I asked him if we could be friends but he said we cant. We said our final goodbyes and I never thought I would hear from him again. Now after 1 month of no contact, I now receive this text. I did respond back thanking him for the apology and encouraging him to seek therapy (he is untreated and was in denial that he has any mental illness). He never responded back after I sent that message..

I’m very surprised that he seems to have become more aware of his issues and is taking some accountability, though I still don’t believe he is fully aware yet.

Is it typical for exs with BPD to send texts like this? What is going through the mind of a BPD person when they send messages like this? Will I ever hear from him again even though he said this will be his final message to me?

it is not abnormal for any ex to send a message like this. people dont like to end on a bad note. sometimes they want to feel better about how things ended. sometimes, they dont want things to end. sometimes they want to feel better about themselves. sometimes they want the other person to feel better about them. it can happen for any variety of reasons.

it reads like a very general, sort of universal apology. you know him best, and would better be able to speak to anything that may or may not have been behind it beyond that.

do you want this to be his final message to you?

Hi Healing,

Like once said - no this is not uncommon.

The common term for this is "ho-v-ing" but you know - every situation is different. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up the the "bpd" jargon and lose sight of the more basic picture.  

Here it is - The relationship hit a bump - a break-up happened - that's a sign that something wasn't working - are both parties willing to pick up what it theirs?

Ultimately, when I got to this place in the first few weeks of my break-up I was able to navigate all of the back and forth and look and my needs and wants more objectively - as well as look at myself in the relationship. And from there, I made my decision.

So like Once said, what is it that you would want in your situation and where are your limits and boundaries in all of that?  Counselling could help you determine that. Also - in this field - there are alot of good self help tools there. The Gottman institute has stuff on line.

Good luck.

Rev