BPDFamily.com

How do you handle travel with your partner with BPD?

Long story short, my BP wife had emotional dysregulation and refused to get in the car so we could go home after a day trip. I tried the usual things (SET, avoid JADE) and let her know I wanted to go home. I was close to my limit and was going to tell her that I'm going home now and she can either join me or call me later for a ride. Then she started opening up and we talked for 10 minutes then were on our way home. Sad that a fun day trip turned into this.

In the future, I'm thinking to give her the same options (join me, or call later for a ride). Maybe will record audio with my phone as self defense if legally questioned. I also plan to talk to her about this so she's prepared in the future but wanted to get any feedback you have. Thanks.

Hmm...well it's likely best that you control your travel...which you seem to have done.  If your pwBPD chooses to make other arrangements, maybe just believe them and move on.

It's unlikely that trying to get in front of BPD is going to work, I am concerned that this would be like waiving a red cape at a bull or drawing a line in the sand.

If in the future you do X..I will do Y.  Oh...you better bet a honked off pwBPD is gonna do X and then some.

Most likely better to look for common things, address underlying emotions.  What was the dysregulation about?

Best,

FF

what happened? what was the dysregulation about?

Thanks for the replies. We were hiking at a nature park for 30 minutes and I was starting to get tired, hungry and wanted to take a break. We talked the previous day that if that happened, she could keep hiking until she's tired (weight goal) and I'll wait for her in the car. We've done a similar pattern when shopping at the mall. She got angry and was surprised I mentioned the idea. She claims no memory of us talking about it the other day.

I offer to hike with her another 15 minutes and she passively accepts, now giving me the silent treatment. We hike another 15 minutes and end back at the car. I ask if she wants to keep hiking. She says it's none of my business. I say, ok, I'll wait in the car. I see her walking back to the trail. I set a 30 minute timer and will call her if she's not back at the car by then. Thankfully at exactly 30 minutes, she returns.

In the car, we talk a bit but she complains I don't understand or seem interested (I think I was). I say it's hot and I'd like to go back home where there's A/C and talk more about it -- I'm sensitive to heat rash, headache and it's been acting up lately. She says she doesn't want to go anywhere and wants to talk in the shade. She leaves the car and walks up the trail to a picnic bench.

At this point, I feel cornered and at my limit. (It reminds me of how she previously would turn the lights and TV on full volume at night in our bedroom if she wanted to keep talking even past midnight, 1am, or 2am when I said I needed to sleep -- not taking that anymore, will go to a hotel and be firm with my limits.) At this point, I decide to tell her that I'm going home now and she can either join me or call me later for a ride. I open the car door and notice the outside air is cooler than I expected. So I change my mind while walking to the bench to try talking 5-10 minutes and give her the 2 options if talking doesn't work out in a timely manner. Then she started opening up and we talked for 10 minutes then were on our way home. She said she considered not showing up to the car and not answering my phone calls. For that, I think I should consider recording audio of our conversation on my phone if legally questioned later. She's not officially diagnosed with BPD and is against outside help. We both have read several BPD books and articles and both agree she has it. She was the first to read about it and told me.

--

This experience makes me apprehensive to go with her by car anywhere. I'm afraid one of these times she'll stand behind the car if I give her the two options thereby preventing me from backing up and going home. Not sure how I'll handle that, call to suicide hotline? We walk every night and sometimes she goes to rage mode then. I'm more comfortable if it happens then because I know she can walk back home if it gets to my limit. Different story when we've driven somewhere by car, and there's no real public transit here. I will learn how to get an Uber/taxi in case it's needed in the future.

--

What do you mean, common things?

Perhaps I meant "common themes"?

Best,

FF

Ok, yes. I talked with her, and we both agree I should have been firm after hiking 30 minutes and told her to meet me in the car after another 30 minutes of her hiking solo. She says she wouldn't have liked it at the moment but it would have been better overall, that I was being an enabler for her behavior. We both agree I need to be like a strict parent with a 2-year-old (her) when she gets to that point. We don't have any children and probably won't.

I'll definitely keep up my self care routines and go on solo trips to enjoy travel without worrying about raging. Still will go on trips with her but take appropriate precautions and go to "strict parent" mode as needed.

Hmm..maybe on the 2 year old thing or perhaps a teen is better.


So the agreed on time to go arrives...you get in the car an she decides she is not going to go.  If after a couple reasonable requests for information to figure out if there is a legitimate thing going on/issue...if BPD rules the day, then trust them to deal with the consequences of their behavior.

You follow the agreed on plan and go home...throwing a fit and not getting in a vehicle result in a natural and logical "consequence"...you don't get to ride in the car.

Back to the "common themes" thing.

If there are several different arguments, but the all revolve around "you don't care" or "you don't love me" or  "you always leave me"...then you can see a theme develop and develop a strategy to validate the "feeling", yet also sprinkle in some "truthe"

SET comes to mind.

Best,

FF

I may be bumping this topic up, as it was called when I stopped posting in 2011 (2 yrs later than I remembered), but travel is one of the hardest things I do with dbpdh. I now look at it as an obstacle course and look for things to enjoy and even remember long after returning home. A secret I keep to myself. For me one time, the clear, night air on the desert as well as people who were nice to me during the trip. If h gets all huffy and stops talking to me aka heaven, I focus on the new surroundings.

My experience of 49 yrs is that problems along the way and back won’t be normal problems. One may see his or her spouse has suddenly disappeared from the boarding line for the plane, telling the gate agent that they’ve lettered their seating chart wrong and his seat should be lettered “c” and not “d.” I got nowhere trying to avoid this because nothing I said counted just like at home. It will happen, and since there can be an audience when traveling, plan on looking very patient. Pat yourself on the back.

Jabiru, I suppose it could be called lowering your expectations, but also find some enjoyment around you and consider that a successful trip.