BPDFamily.com

hi

This is my first post on here so apologies if its in the wrong place etc. i just need somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings.
these last few days have been awful with my BPD partner. We have have argued, physically fought, cried hysterically, went though every emotion imaginable and I am exhausted. I am mentally and physically drained.
Ive been called "a fat cunt" numerous times. hes told me he has only been with me to suit his needs and has never really wanted me. How he hates the thought of having sex with me and it disgusts him.  Ive got bruises all over my arms and stomach from being kicked and punched. Hes smashed my phone twice now and i have no way to contact anyone. He tells me that noone cares about me, my family dont care, my kids have given up on me. I feel so alone! I cant tell anyone about this.
Last night at his I tried to stand my boundaries and he didnt like it. so basically told me if i didnt give him what he wanted we were done. I went to leave quietly but he refused to let me use his phone to call a taxi. kept shouting go home etc but would not let me call a cab. I went on his computer to email family and he cut off his internet. He told me Id have to stay till morning but could sleep on sofa with no pillow or covers. all the time telling how much he just wanted me to leave.

its been horrible and im at a loss what to do.

Hello carlywhi. This is supposed to be a board for people who are trying to figure out how to stay in difficult relationships, but I have to tell you that from what you are saying it's clear that the wisest thing for you would be to get out before you are more seriously hurt. This man is systematically isolating you, cutting off your sources of help, and if he goes of the deep end you will be all alone.

People like this, when they are angry are certain everything is your fault. When they harm you it's because you drove them to it. The longer you stay with them, the more demoralized you get, and the harder it is for you to see things clearly. Nothing justifies physical abuse.

You are probably afraid to leave, afraid to be alone, and that's normal. But this sounds like a person who will resist any change. My main suggestion to you is to go to the "tools" section of this website and start reading what's posted there, and start reading the books listed. You need to strengthen yourself and these will help. You aren't alone. Others have struggled with these problems, and you can find help if you look for it.

We are all in a similar situation. The things your H says is exactly what I hear from my H too when his anger sets in. One thing I do to cope with it is just do as I am told, don't call anyone. Find inner peace within myself, don't talk , don't argue. Don't even bother to consider anything that he says. Because first of all what they say is not true, and secondly they say it because they have issues that they cannot handle. We don't need to feel depressed for their wrong doing. We need to be strong and brave. Be happy within us. Never show your weakness to anyone. Stay strong, find something to do that keeps you occupied and busy.

Hi Carlywhi,

I understand how alone you feel. Have you found a safe place to be now? Im hoping as you managed to get online that you have

hey

not quite sure what to write at this minute but wanted to thank you all for replying

Hi there and welcome to the boards!

Your situation sounds fraught for sure.  Are you safe now? 

We can help you with support tho sometimes a more local resource is good too so you can actually talk with someone either by phone or text.  Have you ever contacted a domestic violence center for help?  Is that something you think you would want to do?  It would not mean making a decision about anything at this point but rather to hook you into local resources and so you can find out what your options are.  I can help you find some and will send some possibilities for you via PM.   :hug:

I am going to link you to a site called MOSAIC (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172) that will ask a series of questions about your situation.  See if you want to answer the questions and if you do, you can report back to us with the result.  The score is simply an indicator of the amount of risk your situation holds for you.  See what you think.

Please keep us posted.  We have had many members in very similar situations and have helped them think things through.  The good news is you are in the right place for help. 

Harri

hi Harri

I am safe, I am also in the UK so the services you linked me to are not valid. I do appreciate you're concern and help massively. This is maybe the 3rd time he has been physically violent towards me, each time getting worse. I know i bring it on myself though. takes two to tango 

Good, I am glad you are presently safe.  :)

Do you have plans to see him again in the next day or two?  What usually happens when you guys breakup ... do you generally talk and get back together?  Is there ever any discussion of what happened? 

Can you tell us what you mean when you say "Last night at his I tried to stand my boundaries and he didnt like it."  Can you give us, as best you can, a he  said she said break down?

Hang in there with us.  I don't mean to bombard you with questions so please take your time.

im still at his. i know it sounds crazy but I live alone and have no family around me, they are all 600 miles away. i felt so drained and physically ill I didnt want to go home and be alone especially without a phone and any contact to the outside world.
He is in a totally different mood today, we haven't spoke about anything as I dare mention it. he is sat playing computer games while im on the PC. and yes this is the normal, it gets forgotton about, or while hes drunk or intoxicated it comes up and we both have deep meaningful conversations where he genuinely shows remorse.
Last night he asked to borrow money, which i really didnt want to do for his sake any mine. as i had said no, his plan didnt happen.

It sounds like you're starting to think on the right track here. Stay safe. The physical abuse is very concerning.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

The hierarchy of needs has "safety" down in the yellow zone. We need the red stuff like air, water, food... and then we need safety. After that, we can start thinking about BPD in the higher levels of the pyramid.

pwBPD use safety as a way to pull the rug out from under us and knock down our pyramid. It's very hard to focus on the upper level emotional stuff when we are trying to keep ourselves safe. We need that base of the pyramid. pwBPD threaten our safety because they intuitively know it's a way to quickly cause pain and confusion, and they want us to feel the same pain they are feeling (for whatever their reasons/causes are).

So focus on safety first, and the tools here can help you build the rest of your pyramid.

carlywhi

How are you today, still safe? Have you been to reach out to anyone in real life for support?

Turkish