BPDFamily.com

So, it feels like maybe I am going to be "Oh no, not this dude again", but had another rough morning, and I didn't JADE as well as I did the other day.

I am a school teacher, and today I am having my office colleagues over for an end of year pot luck (That's midwestern American for everyone bring a dish). It is happening at my house today because we are virtual and work from home Fridays. I live separately from my pwBPD. 

I know my pwBPD does better with prior warning about stuff, so I told her a month ago I was going to host the end of year office party for my colleagues, and it was just for co-workers, no spouses or anything are coming. Then when I firmed up the time and day I told her that I had set up the date and time for my lunch.

So, I had spent the last couple days at my partners house, but this morning we wake up and we get ready to go to the gym for our exercise. Had the usual "what are you doing today". So I tell her that after we go to the gym I have to go back to my house to get ready for the office lunch.

Well, she flipped out. Why wasn't she invited? I should have invited her. How come my kids get to be at the house? (It's my weekend with the kids, but the kids will be in the house while we eat.  They don;'t want to be around their teachers.)

I admit, I didn't do a good job with JADE. Still new to this. I mean, my logical brain says that my pwBPD goes out with her friends and it doesn't bother me that I am not invited. None of my colleagues partners are flipping out at them because they aren't invited. My kids aren't going to participate.

it just feels like I can't do anything for myself or anyone else if it doesn't include my partner or she flips out. I want her to have a full life with friends and colleagues and family and it doesn't have to include me. I don't feel left out if she has a girls weekend, or goes to an office happy hour w/o me.

What is it with BPD and this super heightened sense of being left out, even if they are included 99% of the time?

I read recently a description of BPD which helped me understand things a little bit better.  The premise was that you look at emotional state as a variable that ranges from 0-100.  A "normal" person will usually be floating around 0-30 depending on their stress level, how tired they are, etc.  But a "normal" persons baseline level will usually be from 0-30 and escalate under those stressors.  A BPD persons baseline level will usually start somewhere between 30-70 instead of 0-30 like most of us.  It sounds like your pwBPD is on the higher end of baseline emotionality, so it doesn't take much to send her into a highly emotional state.

When she goes out with her friends, you might be happy for some "you" time;  you might be happy for her;  you might be a little sad because you were looking forward to spending time with her.  However, since she lives her life with an extreme fear of abandonment, she will almost always lean towards the "sad" or "hurt" response.  Combine that with a very high state of emotionality and you will get an explosion.

While loving someone with BPD is so very frustrating and painful, I can't even imagine what it is like to have to live with it daily.  My heart breaks for both of you.

PwBPD do not have a stable sense of self.    That's a very complicated psychological term that I can't do real justice to  but most simply put,  out of sight out of mind is a real thing for them.

If they aren't right there in close proximity with you,  the overwhelming fear is that your love will disappear, you might cease to exist or they might cease to exist.   My experience was my partner was afraid that if I went to work I would die in a car accident on the way home.

Compare it in your mind with an infant that is left alone by its mother.    It's the same type of fear.

Rather than JADE you could redirect the conversation to when you get back together again after the party.

Yeah, it's like object permanence with a baby. Hide your hand behind your back and they think you lost your hand. It's discouraging because it makes you feel like all the effort your put forth is for nothing, because they aren't going to remember it the next time you dare to do something for yourself or someone else.

The re-direct is a good suggestion. Right now my pwBPD is in peak "get even" mode. Get even mode must be a BPD thing too because I can't wrap my mind around the energy it takes to even the score for all these perceived sleights.

Agreed. And then, when this happens to me, I start to feel crazy because I did work so hard to meet his needs and not go out on those specific occasions when he was feeling particularly distressed.

I just want to chime in that my husband with BPD also has a double standard about the "going out".  With me, if I go out, I'm abandoning the family. He, on the other hand, can go out whenever he wants.

I like the other person's suggestion of bringing it back to the time you will spend together afterwards.  Navigating our partners with BPD is a journey - we are never going to be perfect. Good job trying!