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I received out of the blue contact and I am consumed with false hope. She said, "Now I am your enemy. I spoke with your attorney and he suggested we meet in a public place to sort this out." She asks to do this before spending thousands on an attorney.  She asked for me to search my heart and say a prayer. She wanted to feel loved and like she matters. It kills me because I do love her. I am co-dependent and it would be the same vicious cycle. She said life happened and bitterness and resentment took root.

I don't know if she means she wants to get back together or not. I am nervous about meeting her since we have been NC.

Please give me some advice.

Rex

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349011.0

Hey Rex31807;

My radar has, sadly, been pretty sensitized over the years to PD communication.

This stuck out to me:


 red-flag red-flag red-flag

Did she say this to you in person? Over text? Email? Phone?

Remember...

People can say anything they want... and can say that other people said stuff... but the fact that someone is telling you what another person said... doesn't make it true.

We are primed to believe what people tell us. That's how we make it in life. If we always assumed that we had to check if statements were true or false, that'd slow things down. So, we have innate wiring for "true unless definitely not".

We are in for trouble when we apply that to pwPD's.

take a minute... slow down... and ponder whether maybe, maybe, she is saying that she talked with your attorney... but didn't... and is making stuff up.

...

The fact that she is saying that someone told her that you and she should meet in public...

don't assume that's true and that now you have to meet up.

Not to discount your advice, kells76, but I think it's somewhat missing the mark. Rex seems to be in a slightly different dilemma, if I'm reading things right -- the inner struggle of whether or not to entertain the hope of a renewed flame. How it came about seems to be secondary.


From what you've written in previous post, you seem to be a veteran by now. Do you still have diaries or notebooks from the last times you broke up and get back together? What did she say back then? Did she, by any chance, use similar words or make similar promises? Did it really get better when you did get back together?

Whether you want to entertain notions of reconciliation is entirely up to you, and I wouldn't judge you either way. It's a difficult decision. But referring to things you yourself have written in the past might facilitate forming an educated opinion.

Hey Rex, It's unethical for your attorney to speak with your W, so I doubt this happened.  More likely, she is trying to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt).  If you don't cave in to her demands, she will likely up the ante in an effort to twist your arm.  My advice: don't fall for it.  Instead, hold your ground.

LuckyJim

The attorney said she called and got the letter. That is all. He said she did not comment on whether she accepted the terms. He did say to me one time that maybe we should meet in a public place to come to an agreement.

I don't know what to believe. I want this over and it's a roller coaster of emotion.

I still wear my wedding ring because in my heart I will always feel love for her but I can't live with her because I could end up in jail or worse.

Rex

Why do I have fear, obligation and guilt? I literally think I am feeling all 3 right this minute.


Rex

Hey Rex, I think it's healthy for you to acknowledge these feelings.  The issue is whether you need to act on them?  I would submit that, in most cases, the answer is No.  Rather than react, I suggest you pause and formulate a considered response, if a response is called for.  Sometimes the best action is non-action with a person w/BPD.  If you sense someone is twisting your arm, then you are probably being manipulated and may want to take a step back.  Often it's just BPD drama.

LuckyJim

Now I feel like I am seeing through the FOG. She reached out in a panic. It's an Emergency but she won't tell me what the emergency is and what is going on. I have to work late out of town so I requested that we talk on the phone after 8 or meet tomorrow and I have not heard another word.

I feel like this is manipulation.

Rex, if youre trying to improve your situation/get back together, id encourage you to post on the Bettering board and give some background on what led to the split, where things are now, and where/how you want them to go.

its just that folks here are committed to a breakup, and/or are deep in the stages of grief. two different places, two different kinds of support.

No. I know I can't go back. It's just hard. That's all. When you love someone and you know the relationship could ruin your health and life it is hard. Letting go isn't so easy.  I thought that's what this board was for.