BPDFamily.com

Very grateful to have found this place. I feel like I have failed my bpd brother after living together for 18 months but realizing it’s not healthy and we should live apart. I need help to understand how I’m not just yet another person who has rejected them and how hurt he must feel.

What happened that you felt you had to move out, and how does he have BPD?

My T told me today to "feel those feelings", acknowledge them, and then deal with them.  Good for you for seeing it wasn't healthy, and moving ahead to live apart. |iiii This shows strength, and wisdom.

Would it help to think of it as a paradigm shift, or a nudge of the compass? Instead of taking the responsibility, and blaming yourself and thinking "I rejected him" (presumably that is how he feels, and you are somewhat accepting his feelings as also being your own), is it possible to think instead that he can have his feelings, and you can have your own different feelings, and that is ok?

We all have normal ups and downs (and we know what that feels like), but imagine that BPD's experience those emotions X1000 (a bit of hyperbole), and they are not able to manage those intense feelings very well.  When it overwhelms them, they dump those toxic feelings on us in the form of abuse.  I have learned that we need to give them the opportunity to self-soothe.  This allows them opportunity for growth (and independence from us).  When we try to fix their feelings for them, well...it doesn't really help them or us, and it usually goes badly.  Maybe he just needs some reassurance that you still support him?  For example, are there other ways you can let him know that you haven't rejected him?  Go for a walk, or meet for a coffee and talk about mutual interests, or do something fun together that you both like?  Would he go for that, or is he in retaliation mode, and ghosting you?