BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I was in a relationship for about six month, on and off with 40 something BPD girlfriend. I'm in my 50's. It was truly a confusing ordeal and I found out about her BPD post breakup from one of her friends. The issues started a couple months in when my mom's health was spiraling and then worsened immediately after her passing. There were good times, but other times when the smallest triggers would send her into emotional dysregulation and always projecting on to me. She would literally deny saying the strangest things, making me feel like she was gaslighting. One example was on an evening when my mom's doctor told my family she had a week to live. My girlfriend knew this, but became angry with me that I didn't text her as normal that night and next morning. She accused me of cheating or trying to leave her. It didn't matter what I told her about the sadness I was feeling about my mom's condition - she wouldn't let up. I was in disbelief. Things got worse when I'd attempt to practice healthy boundaries. She's also ADHD and taking Adderall, and heavy drinking would often send her into "rages" or "rants". We didn't live together and several times I'd wake up to "vomit session" texts where she was upset with me for something. I treated her really well like I try to treat everyone, so I was beyond confused by her behavior. Again, there were times when she showed me a beautiful heart. I walked away from the relationship twice only to return in a couple weeks after she would show back up in the best behavior. Things would break down again shortly after. I take responsibility that I just didn't know how to respond to things that felt irrational or projected. The last time we got back together, I was resolute in trying to stay calm and not react to her emotional sessions and projections on to me. Things escalated one evening at my house, triggered by a dish scrubber in my kitchen sink. She was angry and lashing out at me - more in my face than previously. I asked her to leave and she refused, getting more physical. I then called the police to escort her out. I was fearful of what could happen and my gut told me to end things once and for all. I thought and hoped I'd never hear from her again. Within a week, she is texting me again saying she loves me and wants to get together to talk. And, then a couple days ago I ran into her friend who commented that it must have been difficult for me to deal with her BPD. Wow! Ok, now I get it. At this point, I'm not going to respond to any of her texts and have no intention to rekindle the relationship. She lives about 5 minutes from me and I'm concerned she'll show up here again. I'm moving 45 minutes away in about a month and just want to get as far away as possible as quickly as possible.

Ok, so do you have any recommendations for how I should handle any unwanted contact from her in the future? I want to be kind and also keep my guard up. Thanks!

loving someone with bpd is hard, in the best of circumstances.

your lack of attention is perceived as a threat. that may vary, from person to person, but youre talking about a person who will struggle to cope, and generally speaking, lean more toward less healthy coping mechanisms, like say, lashing out at you.

how to respond, or not, really depends on the context of your relationship. in some cases ignoring engagement can cause a person to up the ante. in some cases, its not much more than you or i would react (if at all) upon being ignored. generally speaking, if you are committed to the breakup and want to respond, be boring. dont offer up a target to engage; that applies if you happen to run into her. dont be passive aggressive, just dont give her anything of interest to chase.

how are you holding up?

Thanks for your response, Once Removed! Great points about how to potentially respond if contact from her continues.

You know, I'm doing ok and at the same time feeling a bit sad that the relationship didn't work out. I had high hopes and at the same time began seeing some traits from my ex gf that didn't feel healthy. I wish she would have been open to see her words/actions/beliefs were unhealthy, but that didn't appear to be the case. I'm a recovering people pleaser and I'm continuing to work hard to be focused on my health and wellbeing first. In this relationship, I started to let that slip to try to appease or neutralize the emotional dysregulations of my ex gf. I was also responsible for all parts of the relationship - there was zero balance. In a very short period of time (6 months on and off), I found myself participating in the dysfunctional cycle of coping skills of this person. It made me feel drained and confused, but for some reason I stayed in it for a period of time and didn't trust my gut as much as I would have liked. There was an "energy" around the chaos and the physical part of the relationship that seemed almost like a drug. It's not my first rodeo with somewhat "chaos addicted" partners, although I don't know if any of them were BPD (two were ADHD). I'm taking a step back to understand the "why" of all of this and trying to cut myself a break. "It is what it is".

I am so sorry that you went through all that. My heart goes out to you. I have a tendency to pick verbally abusive men. I have wondered why I keep choosing this kind of person. I was told that, we don’t pick them, they pick us. They look for the kind, loving, empathetic people, because we tend to be so forgiving. After spending enough time with a BP person, you eventually get so messed up in the head, you don’t know if you are coming or going. I too, struggle with being codependent, which makes us a good target.

I was in a really good place when I met my ex and turned into someone I didn’t  recognize. That other person is slowly coming back.

You have no responsibility for what happened to you! I’m glad you have a good therapist. Please be kind to yourself!

You have a lot of support here.

B53