BPDFamily.com

Hello!

I have to say I am very happy to have found this space. A bit about my self, and then to the main reason for posting. If I understand the shorthand correctly my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) and I have been together for about 10 years and have two kids together, one about 2yo and the other 6 yo.

We met whilst both living abroad in Dublin and quickly made the decsion after 6 months to move in together, but also change country to Germany, I am British/American and she is German, in order for her to study. The first year was tough for me, as I didn't speak German and struggled to find work in my field. Sort of bounced around and sank a bit into depression. So at first I took the random outbursts/insults/threats to leave as just a natural reaction to me being "useless". So I tried my best, I learnt how to clean the flat to her standards, become more motivated to look for work and learn German. In an odd way I found her critisms as a positive, if admitidly positives delivered with a stick. I grew, but somehow we kept having the same fights. I started reading self help books, trying to get to the bottom of why I was always so distracted, disorganised, useless, felt like with every iteration of the "big fight", the one that always came at the end of a month or two of on off bickering, where she would threaten to leave if I didn't stop being so dumb, useles, being a burden etc., I would grow, become more of what she wanted/needed.

Eventually about a year ago, after the birth of our second child, I sought out a therapist, again at her insistance, and basically asked the therapist "What is so wrong with me, why I am such a screw up". To which she answered basically that I am not. It took a friend saying that he was also diagnosed with BPD, before I even knew what that was. The more I read into it, the more soo much stuff in our relationship just clicked into place. Through therapy, I was actually diagnosed with an anxeity disorder that I clearly had long before meeting her, and reading it became clear to me. Yes I do make mistakes, some small and some not so small, but the reaction from my partner was a million times over blown.

I've had things thrown at me, been called a retard, the dumbest person in the world, or of only pretending to be dumb so she wouldn't leave me through fear of the safety of our kids, been threatened with getting punched once or twice, she'll leave me and take sole custody of the kids etc. Over the smallest of stuff, for example I left a coffee mug (not hot) within reaching distance of our toddler, who then tipped it staining the wall, and that was basically worth an all day off and on screaming fit.

Just the constant, at times almost hourly, put downs/accusations. Small stuff like, "God you stink", "you look like a bum", "that took a while", "I suppose it's my fault for expecting better" or just a patronising smirk if I drop something or trip.  When she's having an episode, I don't even really get a hello before the complaining starts. I call them "I am the cause for cancer" moods. Where absoultely everything that is wrong in the house is my fault, all logically thought out, but clearly the decsion was made that I was at fault, and then she figured out the how after.

Sorry that was way longer than I wanted, but it felt good to type. My question/purpose for posting today is however, I have a therapist, however my kids do not. Almost all of the above happens right in front of my kids, I notice that my 6yo talks to me sometimes like she does, plus the level of anger that she openly displays in front of them can not be good for their development. I hear stuff like set boundries, which I do, but I worry that the fallout is so big that it will further hurt the kids. At the same time however, what kind of example am I being to them, by letting her walk all over me? Due, but only in part, to her constant need for me to be there for her, it has been a challange to find friends here, so I am very isolated and often immensly lonely, especially during one of her episodes. What I would really appreciate is other people's stories with having kids with someone with BPD, how likely that they develop it? What worked, what didn't work?

Thanks for your time!

*welcome*

It's good that you found us.  You are asking some big and important questions.

You will find success and help on this site if you come back regularly to post and discuss things you are learning.

Your children are so lucky to have you looking out for them.   |iiii |iiii


 Article about what it takes to be in relationship (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship)

It's wonderful...absolutely wonderful that you have a therapist to guide you.  I would encourage you to read the above article and give us some feedback about what information is completely new to you and what you have discussed with your therapist or others.

Your feedback will help us guide you.

What does your therapist advise about therapy for the kids?

Best,

FF

Maybe one of the best books on the subject: "Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent" by Margalis Fjelstad and Jean McBride